Feeling insecure about relationship

[MissyHils42]

I need some advice (maybe a wake-up call) from Mumsnetters on this one. Sorry it's long and rambling. DP and I have been together for 5 years and lived together for the last three years, he's 47 and I'm 42 years old. I have five children (aged 8 -16 years) from a previous relationship and they split their time 50:50 between our house and their Dad's house. Communication between DP and I has always been a challenge, he hates talking about feelings and will bluntly either change the subject / leave the room or cut across and say "yeah, yeah I've got that" to shut me up if I talk about feelings or relationship issues. Despite this we share a number of interests and usually rub along companionably.
He has just started a PG university course this week approx 40 miles from our home and will be travelling into college 2 days per week to study. I am also studying for a degree by distance learning as I need to carry on earning to support my children financially. Studying for a Masters degree has been a long term ambition for DP and we agreed that I would work full time and he would work part time whilst studying to pay the household bills. He is very happy to be back at college and has talked lots about his new fellow students as well as adding quite a few to his FB account.
Today was my first day off work since he started college and he invited a couple of female students to our house for the day to chat about the course. For the whole day he has been really friendly and chatty with the two students (both in their twenties and single) - I may be a little jealous here, but after they left he became sullen. When I asked if he was ok, he was very irritable with me and said he missed being able to do "the whole student thing" and wished he was living closer to his college so he could join in the evening pub sessions.
I am feeling quite vulnerable just now as my employer is restructuring and there is a strong likelihood that I'll be redundant before Christmas. DP knows this but says he wants to get established at college before beginning part time work so he has the flexibility to go to college on more days if he needs to study more, as he feels that he can't study at home. This is not due to my children as they are only with us 2 evenings per week and every other weekend.
With my salary we do have enough money to pay the household bills but I feel quite miffed about the idea of propping up a student social life as well.
I don't want to pee on DPs bonfire as he has been unemployed for the past 15 months before starting college and had lots of anxiety and depression issues, because of this there have been many times when I've dealt with issues alone as he said he could not cope with discussing emotional things. So, regarding our relationship, I am quite insecure and worry that he'll want to be with someone more dynamic or with less personal commitments. At heart I'm also quite needy and want my partner to be there for me and to support me too.
Has anyone else had a partner return to college or have a major lifestyle shift like this, and should I tell him how I feel or leave things a while and see how it goes and pull myself together.

Apologies again for rambling, huge thank you for any advice or thoughts.

[Hassled]

No sensible advice, but it does all seem to be about what he wants and needs, and there's very little about him looking after your wants and needs. Of course you want your partner to support you - that's not an unreasonable expectation. It has to work both ways. And expecting your partner to speak civilly to you is pretty much the bare minimum of expectations. So don't be apologetic about how you're feeling.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not 'needy' to want a partner to be there and be supportive. A partnership is meant to be equal. You do the emotional support for him but it sounds very much like one-way traffic. A 47yo man expecting their girlfriend to support them financially while they hang out with 20-something students and fantasise about the fresher life sounds completely pathetic and also incredibly selfish. Anxiety and depression?.... Bone idle more like....

I would tell him to grow up, cheer up and start coughing up.....

[FelicityGubbins]

I think he needs a reality check on the fact that he is probably the same age as their dads, and that he will make a sad middle aged twat of himself trying to hang out as part of the crowd..

[LadyLuck10]

Op it's clear where this relationship is heading. He firstly refuses to even engage discussions a ok how you feel, he's now wanting to hang out with a younger crowd and probably resents you for him not being able to be 'free' to do so and to top it off he wants you to support his lifestyle.
In your opinion do you view this as a long term relationship continuing ?

[thisisnow]

My boss, early 50's, did a PhD not so long ago. Never went to any student functions or anything and his wife refused to go to his graduation! No sign of the student lifestyle from him

[Nothappening]

He's 47, not worked for 15 months (why on earth not?), now he has the luxury of studying but still doesn't want to work. Who does he think he is!

I take it you are providing for him and your five children. Is he contributing at all to the household and how is he funding his studies?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

When I asked if he was ok, he was very irritable with me and said he missed being able to do "the whole student thing" and wished he was living closer to his college so he could join in the evening pub sessions.

Diddums.

Perhaps he should fuck off out of your hair then.

I can't believe he already has some of the student girls around and mopes around the house after they go, has a go at you and you haven't kicked him out yet.

[AnyFucker]

Perhaps he should fuck off and doss in some scuzzy student digs with the nubile 20yo's ?

It's what he wants, so give it to him

[soonasthesunsets]

Has he turned into Kevin the teenager? You're not his mum, don't let him treat you like this!
DP knows this but says he wants to get established at college before beginning part time work so he has the flexibility to go to college on more days if he needs to study more, as he feels that he can't study at home.

So, he plans on "studying" at college because he can't study at home? He won't. He'll be meeting up with his new friends for a social.

Make it clear to him you're expecting him to get part time work. That is flexible enough for now.

[nc987654321]

Is he expecting to just walk in to a part time job? Why didn't he just walk into one in the last 15 months?

What is his relationship history like? Because I'm suspecting you have a cocklodger on your hands :(

[caramelwaffle]

Everyone has summed up this particular man quite neatly I feel.

Concentrate on what you, and yours need.

[nc987654321]

You can get out now, OP :) You're young, you're dynamic and clever, sounds like you have a great job and great relationship with your DC's father. You don't need this man. You've supported him while he wasn't bothered to get a job and you're going to be stuck supporting him while studies. You need a happy home and a clear head to deal with any employment issues and to use your support and energy on the DCs' job and college problems

[ImperialBlether]

Ahh the poor guy. You're all being horrible about him.

OP, why don't you say to him, "Look, why I don't give you a couple of hundred a week so that you can get somewhere to live in the week and you'll be able to study in peace. I'll just put it in the bank by direct debit. How's that?"

Then when he falls over himself to accept, just laugh and point and when you can speak again, tell him to fuck himself.

Every penny you spend on that waste of space is money you could have spent on your children, your children's time at university (if they want to go), their deposits for flats etc or on yourself.

[Dirtybadger]

He really does need a reality check as already mentioned. I'm early 20s and "too old" for the student lifestyle, really. My course is a mixture of young students and mature. To be honest none of the mature students (who I generally fit in with) do much social at all. I doubt he'd get invited. No offense to him...

Why is he doing a masters? If I were you I'd be concerned about being in a ltr with someone who appears to be making themselves unemployable. Having a masters but limited (recent) work experience will do no good.
Plus- who can't handle a p/t job and full time study? He could look for a Saturday somewhere, at least.

Sounds like he's just being lazy. I work 15 hours a week, study 25, volunteer 1-4 and do my hobbies (sports) 8+ hours a week. A few people on my course manage to hold down kids/spouses/family commitments, full time study and full time employment (granted they must be shattered). He can get a little fucking job!!

[ImperialBlether]

Don't forget, OP, that young women sometimes like the power they have over an older man (particularly one with his tongue hanging out.) It doesn't mean they'd touch him with a barge pole.

Now, does he make you happy?

[Joysmum]

I didn't do the social thing when I was a mature student. It was too much of a gulf that they were going out and getting pissed up and exploiting their first freedoms from moving out from their parents to the max. I was trying to balance a job, a home and a husband and had nothing in common with the pissed euthoria of the student union bar. The people I hung out with whilst in lectures or the library etc were those that weren't that type but obvious still younger than me in years but not so much in attitude.

[grumpasaur]

One of the guys who works for me (24) is currently doing his dissertation, works part time in one job and full time in another, and has a new baby. He would laugh your DP out of the room! Get rid!!

[Stripyhoglets]

He is taking advantage of you. Stop supporting him financially and tell him to get a part time job or get out, you are working to support your kids not allow him to hang around chit chatting with 20 year olds. Could he have done this if he wasn't living with you? Cocklodger territory here I'm afraid. I'm indignant on your behalf as you seem to be letting your insecurity take over and letting him take advantage.

[adorably2014]

I agree with all the above posts, especially Dirtybadger
I decided to respond as there's a guy on my course in his 40s who seems to have similar behaviour to your partner. He talks a lot, has tried to add some people in my tutor group to his Facebook ... I know that because I overhead two of the younger crowd ask each other whether they were going to accept his FB request. He looks a bit pathetic to be honest.
It would not cross my mind to invite a couple of fellow students to "chat about the course" for a whole day at the weekend... What on earth was he talking about? Wouldn't his time be better spent on doing coursework or looking for a job?
He sounds very self-indulgent. I hope you are not paying for his course fees.

[DrCarolineTodd]

"Get established" at college so he can study more? What does that even mean?!

[MissyHils42]

Thank you all for the comments and advice. Your comments have really helped to see that I'm being a total mug here and then feeling guilty that I'm letting him down. Great example of relationships to set for my kids - not.

He is carrying on as before and last night went to bed sulking last night when I said that my employment end date is about 4 weeks.
Think I probably am going to get out and start up alone. That's scary territory for me but feels like a better option than the passive aggressive behaviour and his ridiculous attitude.
Thanks again Mumsnetters. Xx