Please help me get some perspective on this. In laws and DH. Long

[tiredandconfused1]

Hi. I read a lot here but don't post. I really need some advice here I am just so upset and confused at the moment. I don't know if I want to stay in my marriage or continue my relationship with my MIL.

It may seem silly to some but I am actually so upset over this. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws. DH and I haven't been getting on that great at all recently. We have small kids. Anyway DH has hardly spoken to me the last two weeks. He denies this. Very off hand with me, dirty looks, one word answers and no attempts at making conversation. If I ask him what's wrong I get "nothing wrong" in a snappy tone.

It all came to a head on Sunday and we had a row. In laws were around and he spoke to MIL in private. He was quite upset/angry and wouldn't tell me what he said just that he was upset, talked to MIL and that she was now upset and very angry with me. He refused point blank to tell me what he said.

Last night I managed to get out of him that he told her I couldn't cope with the kids. This is not true. I have been stressed the last while over money, DH refusing to learn to drive so that we can move to a more affordable area before kids start school, and DH's overall immaturity and lack of concern for finances or the future. Feel like I am responsible for everything and have no one to share my worries with. I could write another thread on this.

Needless to say I was upset that he said that. I have no problem coping with the kids, it's tough sometimes as they are still small but I'm managing fine.

So today my mother informs me that MIL rang her Sunday night. Went on a big rant about me. Has diagnosed me with PND. Told her several other things. Then told DH and my mother not to tell me about phone call or that they had been sharing/discussing my "issues".

So between my mother and DH I have managed to painstakingly extracted some details of the conversation between DH and MIL on Sunday.

I'll just say that he has painted me in a very bad light. He said a lot of things that make me look bad but conveniently left out important details so that I seem a lot worse and he is the innocent party. Some of the things he said are just not true.

MIL has the biggest mouth in the world and has already repeated everything to the rest of the ILs, to my mother, and probably everyone else she has encountered since Sunday. I am pissed off with her over the phone call, trying to get DH and my DM to keep it all from me, and I am so upset with DH. Because of the things he said and also because he point blank refused to tell me what he said to MIL, which she is now broadcasting to half the town. He didn't tell me until he had to (I already knew a few bits from my DM and bluffed). He is still guarding his phone which makes me think there is more he hasn't told me about. I feel sick wondering what else he has said about me.

We talked and agreed that if he has told me everything we will try and get passed it. But now that I realise he is probably hiding more I don't know if I can. I feel so betrayed.

I don't know what to do or how to make this better. Any advice welcome.

Sorry its so long.

Thanks for reading.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

The phone thing makes me think he is setting you up to get dumped so he comes out of this smelling like a rose. You need more evidence and as he seems to totally underestimate you, you should be able to get it easy enough.

[DreamingDiva34]

I don't think it seems silly. You and your husband haven't been getting on too well recently, when you've tried to engage to find the issue and sort it he has refused to discuss it like an adult. He then took his mother aside and slagged you off behind your back and isn't even man enough to tell you what he said or what the issue is?

I'm sorry but if it was my partner I wouldn't be agreeing to try and get passed anything until not only had I had a full and genuine apology plus assurence that he wouldn't behave like this again;
but we would be having a full and frank discussion of the issues as adults including his unreasonable behaviour. I would expect a full and genuine apology for his acting like a child by refuse to discuss with me the allegdge issues as well as lying about me and slagging me off, he would be visiting his mother with me present to admit to his lies as well as tell her the truth about his actions and he would be making a full apology to my mum for involving her in his petty childishness via his mother.....and only then would I even contemplate trying to work on anything.

There will be other people better at giving advice than me in the morning I'm sure but don't let him deflect what he has done onto you. Even if you have genuinely (in his eyes) done something wrong he should be discussing it with you like an adult not giving you the cold shoulder and then roping in his mum to bully you.

[seasavage]

Has he got some anxiety?
You say he's been withdrawn. How does he cope, with the DC, with work?
He should set this straight, he's obviously betrayed your trust but the MIL sheesh.
You have talked that is good, getting past this is going to take work from him.
Have you talked about why you felt the distance before all of this?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you should go on the offensive. How dare he go discussing private business, including your mental health, with Mommy Dearest? How insulting and patronising for her to go beetling off to your own mother behind your back. Rather than worrying about who said what, focus on the real problem. How can you hope to confide anything to your DH agian when he can't be trusted?

Go on the offensive.

[Finola1step]

Agree with Cog.

Also, this is going to sound v harsh, but is he hiding anything else? My suspicious mind is ringing alarm bells for you. Could he be setting up a situation where he paints you and thus the marriage in a terrible light so that he is able to leave relatively guilt free?

And that there is a new girlfriend who will then suddenly appear a few weeks later and all his side of the family will be so pleased for him because he's had such a terrible time and deserves a bit if happiness?

I know this sounds far fetched. But watch your back OP. His behaviour is very dodgy.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Btw.... I hope you set your DM straight about behaviour. You're currently being forced to defend yourself and it strikes me that, with all the women in the family sidetracked onto your alleged failings, no one's putting the spotlight on his. Financial irresponsibility, refusal to learn to drive.... don't be diverted. Keep his feet to the fire.

[Longtalljosie]

I think you need to go and see your MIL and tell her straight that you are coping fine with the children, thank you very much, and you don't know where this has come from. That DH has been very rude and withdrawn at home and now this. That you're baffled by his behaviour but you won't take the blame for it.

[Quitelikely]

I think you ought to look further afield than his mother. I smell a rat and I think he is trying to dirty your name so that if he leaves it looks like he was justified.

Any hint of him wanting to leave or anything suspicious going on at work? Or spending extra time on his phone?

[Quitelikely]

Btw I think I would be tempted to ring MiL and explain the facts

[Blueistheonlycolour]

If it were me, I'd be facing up to the my MIL and telling the interfering cow her exactly what was going on!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The MIL isn't the problem. The MIL is not going to take sides against her DS. Pointless to waste breath in that direction. The problem is the DH who is badmouthing the OP and spreading lies behind her back. He has selected someone with a track record of being a gossip knowing - I would assume - that word will get around more effectively than if he took out a full page ad in the local rag.

He's the problem. Bad attitude to money, work etc. Diversion tactics. Don't fall for it.

[tomatoplantproject]

I would feel hugely betrayed and also go on the offensive.

He must have known how she would react and broadcast the whole conversation - my mother quite regularly spills secrets (completely without malice) and I have learned that I can't trust her with anything until I'm ready for others to know. I wouldn't dream of discussing marital issues with her for fear of the even more damaging consequences.

[Lweji]

If he is that worried about you, he should have discussed it with you.
As should your MIL.

It sounds worryingly as he wants out and to paint you in a bad light before he does it.

I'd be tempted to get them all and your parents at home so that everything is discussed in the open.
Then tell him he's dumped (he sounds a right twat). And you might want to cherchez la femme at some point, but that is just a gut feeling.

[Idontseeanysontarans]

He sounds like my children - done something wrong so deflects onto others by focussing on their imagined wrong doings..
Do you have total access to finances? Check them out - has he put you in the financial toilet is what I would be looking for, he's definitely on the defensive about something.
I personally would go with Lweji's suggestion of getting it all out in the open in front of both sets of parents. There's nowhere to hide that way .

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

Whilst I agree that your main problem is your 'd'h I don't think your mil's behaviour should be swept under the carpet, she has behaved in an atrocious way and I wouldn't blame you it you cut ties with her- especially while your trying to resolve things (one way or the other) with your husband

Her actions are not those of someone concerned for your welfare or that of your dc and neither are your husbands. Of course she will take his side but that doesn't make it ok for her to stir things up, and the nerve of her ringing your mother like you are a naughty schoolchild!

Obviously the mil is less important than the betrayal of your husband but it is easier to deal with and when they have both behaved so badly you have every right to be furious at both of them

[Foolishlady]

I often think on this board they think the worst of everything, but I have to agree this screams of trying to paint you in a bad light to justify something he is up to. Not sure how you can find out what but be on your guard and in the meantime try and get him to talk ( in case I am wrong and he is just crap at discussing supposed grievances)

[Maalia]

I agree with other posters. He is setting you up to look like the bad guy when he eventually dumps you. Might be because he has a mistress or because he has financial issues.
Since he has involved MIL and your own mum, I would call for a family meeting and get everything out in the open. He might not agree, but you need to pull the carpet under his feet in order to reinstate your position in this drama. Just tell him that he should want to be there if he wants to have a voice in this debate. All parties must be present as they have all gotten involved somehow. Good luck OP: he is a shit and you need to protect yourself.

[ItsFunnierInEnochian]

He would find his bags packed and on the front garden if he was my husband, how bloody dare he?!

I'm outraged on your behalf.

[Castlemilk]

I'd be straight on the phone to MIL.

'MIL. Here are a few things you need to know. Firstly, I do not have PND. I am very happy with the children and we cope just fine. And it's a good thing that we do, because the only problem I have had with my life over the last couple of years is the lack of practical support from my husband in organising it. DH refuses to a. learn to drive so that we can move somewhere more affordable and b. take any responsibility for family finances and planning - that's right, in addition to managing the children perfectly well, I also actually manage all our finances because he REFUSES TO HELP. So those are what the problems actually are from my side. Now, I have a good idea of just how much DH has painted a bad picture of me to you recently, and because my mum is MY MUM and has some loyalty to me and my family's relationships, I know exactly what you told her too. So here is what you need to know, because you are being played like a violin here. DH has been treating me like shit for over a MONTH. I have asked him about it, I have no idea why. Then he speaks to you and stabs me in the back. It could be that he's so resentful at the issues I mentioned above that he just wants to try and get himself some sympathy, or it could be that there's actually something very fishy going on. Let's just say that if I discovered there was someone else on the scene, I would currently not be a bit surpised. It's very much as if he's trying to set the scene so I'm the bad guy before he walks out.

If that happens, let me tell you right now that you will have the shock of your life, because Miss PND Not Coping here will be the one a. managing the children, again, perfectly well, managing the split, and managing the finances, while Mr. Can't Be Arsed to Pull My Weight sails off into the sunset. So if I were you I would take great care to remember that if we split, most of our family that you love so dearly will stay right here with me, and it'll be me you'll probably end up talking to about seeing them and spending time with them, because you'll suddenly see just how much your dear son is actually involved with planning their lives and caring for them. So, you might do well to remember that old saying - two sides to every story.'

[vitabrits]

Please be on your guard in case he's making evil plans to leave and try and take the kids away from you. It's his making up stories about you not coping with the kids that worries me.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

There's a saying that a lie is half way around the world before the truth has got it's foot out of the door. You need to give the true story to MIL, your mother and any other relatives who have been spun this lie. Once you've corrected the lies you can take some time to think about what you want from this marriage or whether your husband's astonishing betrayal is the end of your marriage.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think you already something is very wrong here.
I also think you are intelligent and know what that problem is.
Gather some evidence.
Get your truth out there and do that fast.
Castlemilk has a great post there.
You could write it all down and give it to MIL and your DM.
In the meantime get some legal advice.
Get to CAB and see what you would be entitled to in benefits and maintenance.
You don't have to act on any of it now but knowledge is power.

[ImperialBlether]

Exactly what Castlemilk says, although I'd do it face-to-face.

[LineRunner]

The OW scenario is not so far fetched. This is pretty much what my ExH did to me. He even had my own mother believing his lies at one point.

Men like this leave the children behind, btw.

[tiredandconfused1]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Sorry if I am slow to get back. He has just gone to work. I did something sneaky and took his phone out of his bag before he left. Don't know what to do with it now.

I will be accused of drip feeding here but I should add that I am no angel. I can be moody, I do get stressed around kids bedtime sometimes. I am probably a bit bossy too but not as much as DH says. I tend to be quite careful with wording and tone when I ask him to do something to avoid a sulk. But I know sometimes I probably am a bit bossy when we are sorting kids etc.

He does help a lot with the kids in a practical way. He normally comes in around an hour before their bed time, has a shower, eats his dinner, and helps with baths etc. We both sit down at the same time every evening so he's very good like that.

I also don't think the conversation with MIL was planned or meant in a malicious way. They called at a really bad time, we were both upset and when he saw her it just came spilling out it seems. He says he is very sorry for saying anything to her which I believe. I don't think he was thinking straight at the time. What I am more concerned about is that he refused to tell me anything that was said. As it was coming out bit by bit I kept asking if there was more and he would say no. Then I find out more. I have explained to him that I need to know what was said as our extended families know each other well, it's a small town etc., but he still won't just man up and tell me. Everything I have found out (bar not coping with kids) has either come from my mother or I have had to guess.

So far it seems I am financially abusive, depressed, lazy, selfish, constantly moody.

I don't think there is a way back for my relationship with MIL. BIL is having a get together this weekend. Before I found out what was said DH said I would have to go or it would look bad for me. Now that I know what was said he thinks I should stay home and he should go with the kids. That myself and MIL should stay away from each other for a while. I don't know what to think about that, and his change of mind about me going.

As for talking to MIL, I know I need to but right now I am too upset. I would cry and probably get angry. She is also difficult to have a conversation with as she just talks like a maniac. She's worse when she is worked up, stressed and tends to blurt out inappropriate things so I don't know if I can handle that at the moment. If I cry and get mad they will take it as confirmation that I am indeed nuts.

She's ringing his phone now