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Relationships

I found his POF profile - I think.

103 replies

bofski14 · 23/09/2014 00:51

Been with my partner for two years, mortgage and 10 month old daughter together. Everything going swimmingly. Until I decide to snoop. Backstory is, my father cheated in my mum after 28 years of marriage and it blind sided all of us. I never want to go through that shock again so I occasionally check internet history etc. I never see his phone. It's always locked but he said its because the boys in work go through each other's phones and tease about what they find.

I very occasionally look through the newest members in my area on POF to see if he's on there. He used to use the site quite a lot before we met, so just to check he's still not using it I search his username now and again.

So one day I spot a new profile, no photo but the username is half the company he works for and half his surname so I clicked it. All the stats are him to a T. It says that he's just looking to chat and make friends but has his relationship status as single. I confronted him saying I think he had a profile and he went through he roof, refused to show me his phone and said that obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left. He drove off in a temper despite me and the baby in the street crying and calling him to come back. He convinced me I was wrong and he was offended so I apologised, calmed the situation and we left it at that. I was confused and thought maybe it was just a coincidence.

He is working away at the moment so I checked the profile and it was still active. I made a fake profile contacted him and the style of writing and the spelling was him, I'm sure. He said he didn't know why he was on there and he was leaving the site. Sure enough the profile is now deleted, but not before I noticed that the location was edited to the town he's working in now.

I feel like a paranoid nutter. But It's all too much of a coincidence isn't it?

OP posts:
BOFster · 23/09/2014 01:00

Yes, it sounds dodgy.

ilovelamp82 · 23/09/2014 01:23

Yes. I'm sorry.

CakeUpWall · 23/09/2014 01:28

Could he have suspected that it was you? It's a bit too much of a coincidence that he decided he needed to leave the site at that particular moment. Hmm

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/09/2014 02:01

His response (OTT) also makes him look very guilty

Only1scoop · 23/09/2014 02:07

Yes sounds like it is him especially given his ott reaction. His behaviour with his phone sounds childish the 'mates' thing etc.

He needs to grow up

Only1scoop · 23/09/2014 02:08

He may have smelt a rat with your email.

Vivacia · 23/09/2014 05:45

obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left.

I think he's right.

Pantone363 · 23/09/2014 06:02

It's him.

something2say · 23/09/2014 06:50

It sounds like it's him to me as well. But it may not be the end of the world. Two years is a short time to have a mortgage and a baby. I'd find that too much too soon. Perhaps he is feeling this way and wondered whether the grass is greener? I'd say that would be normal. The fact that he registered etc is not good, but the fact that he signed off is better. Maybe a conversation is needed about how he feels about things? Also an eye kept on yourself, your money, your friends, your own life etc in case he decides it's all too much and leaves.

bofski14 · 23/09/2014 07:19

It's all just so strange. He isn't distant at all. He's constantly texting and calling me telling me he loves me and he loves our perfect life. He's coming home this weekend and we're going on a mini break. I was really looking forward to it but now I'm indifferent. Thanks for your help ladies. I know now I'm not going mad.

OP posts:
TongueBiter · 23/09/2014 07:30

Read the end of your third paragraph in your OP.

Didn't you think he was over reacting?! Why would you pander to his tantrum by crying after him in the street, begging him to come back? Why let him 'convince' you when deep down you knew what was going on? He's played you like a good 'un. Now he knows you're onto him and has upped his behaviour to being a model partner so you can't complain .... Bring anything up and he will throw it in your face.

BoldFossil · 23/09/2014 07:34

he knew it was you!

just split up fgs. don't turn yourself inside out analysing all of this. He was on a dating site, and even if he wasn't he shouted at you and drove off leaving you crying.

BoldFossil · 23/09/2014 07:35

I agree with tonguebiter, you let him 'convince' you that it wasn't him!? You should have contacted him first I guess.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/09/2014 07:51

The profile is obviously him. He's fishing around to see what else is out there. Either that or he's as shallow as a puddle and needs female attention to validate his ego. Either way this is a deal breaker - I hope?
Men who react with nuclear level anger to suggestion of infidelity are often employing distraction techniques. Think about it - if your loving partner, who you loved, out of the blue asked you to explain something dodgy on your phone, would you react with fury or concern that they had thought something so upsetting? Would you refuse to hand over your phone or would you calmly explain whatever it was they had misunderstood?
The nuclear reaction does a nice job of turning the blame round to the accuser and deflecting attention away from the actual matter at hand.

kaykayblue · 23/09/2014 08:10

Anyone who overreacts THIS much, has CLEARLY got something to hide.

He sounds like a lunatic to be honest, and I'm quite surprised that you were bought in by his tantrum!

I mean let's face it, what he has essentially said is:

Either you trust me, BLINDLY, without ever seeking reassurances from me or ever questioning my fidelity (regardless of any evidence to the contrary) - OR THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.


If that's his idea of "trust" then it's very one sided. Frankly you should be packing his bags.

PS, I call major bullshit on his phone logic. Unless, of course, your husband and his colleagues are 14. Is it a personal or work blackberry? I used to have one for work, and setting up an insanely complicated password (and not disclosing it) was part of our contract to keep work info safe.

Frankly if your husband uses his blackberry for work, then I would divorce him purely on the grounds of sheer stupidity of not being able to come up with a better excuse.

Castlemilk · 23/09/2014 10:35

You're not going mad, but you will do if you carry on with him.

It's him. Dump. Now.

Really.

Quitelikely · 23/09/2014 12:22

Oh dear. Sorry I think this relationship is doomed. You ran after him? What on earth for. He is trying to cheat on you. Only a matter of time. No wonder he is being super nice! He's bricking it.

Darling my heart goes out to you. Good luck with it all.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2014 13:44

Think about what YOUR reaction would have been if the tables had been turned.
A normal, innocent, loving partner would just hand over the phone. Explain everything and put your mind at rest.

His reaction is ALL you need to know!

bobbywash · 23/09/2014 14:12

You should leave, you clearly never trusted hims to desend to snooping as you accept youve done this regularly.

I would question whether you should enter into another relationship until you sort out your trust issues.

As far as your concerned it's irrelevant whether it's him or not, you snooped you found something he denied, you didn't believe him, continued to snoop (whilst maintaing your own profile so you can snoop) and have convinced yourself it is him

Whilst it may well be him, you do have serious issues with trust you need to sort out.

CarryOnDancing · 23/09/2014 14:28

What is the point in snooping if you aren't going to do anything when you find him up to no good?

Of course it's him-the user name, the location change, removing the profile when he knows you suspect. Coincidences happen but not three of them all tied together.

I'm so sorry this has happened but it's time to acknowledge it now. And act.

The unknown is never as bad as you fear.

Jan45 · 23/09/2014 14:35

Your partner has a profile on POF and you think you're paranoid - seriously get real, he is looking elsewhere for whatever kicks and who knows how far he will go, the fact he is on there is bad enough, tell him to gtf, surely you know you can do better than this, 2 years is a drop in the ocean, find a guy who you don't have to check up on or try to trap, don't lower yourself.

kaykayblue · 23/09/2014 14:35

Bobbywash - The thing is, describing someone as having "trust issues" means that they are distrustful of their partner even when there is no evidence whatsoever to justify feeling that way.

In these sorts of scenarios, it's much less "trust issues" than it is "not burying her head in the sand".

The way you describe "trust issues", a woman could say "well I thought something was going on, so I pretended to go on holiday and then came home as a surprise and found my husband in bed with another woman" and you would be all "WOW THERE LADY YOU MUST HAVE SERIOUS TRUST ISSUES TO TRY AND TRICK YOUR HUSBAND LIKE THAT".

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startinoveronmyway · 23/09/2014 14:41

I'm sorry you are going through this as it clearly was your worst nightmare. Sad

If you don't leave him, he will leave you, I'm afraid. He was just waiting for the next one before dumping you. One day they are madly in love with you, the next day you get the whole 'I don't love you anymore' script. It does happen that fast.

So sorry, but save yourself from the anguish of 'hoping'. I'm afraid he falls squarely into the 'twat' category of men.

Oh, and none of this is your fault! Don't believe it when he comes at you with the 'if only you.... and why can't you....etc' He will try to make it your issue that he can't seem to keep his penis in his pants. Hmm

WannaBe · 23/09/2014 14:58

Of course there are trust issues.

The op didn't go snooping because her dp was behaving suspiciously, she went snooping because her parents split up and she felt she had a right to.

There is no proof that this man on pof is actually her dp, it could be, it might not be, but he's not wrong when he said that she doesn't trust him - if the op hadn't found anything how far is it acceptable to go?

Anyone who thinks that when being accused of something you haven't done you would just hand over your phone etc to prove your innocence is naïve. Why should the dp hand over his phone? Especially when the op had been snooping previously and had made all manner of accusations against him. people aren't guilty until they can prove their innocence -- if there is no trust in a relationship then there is no relationship.

if this man is on pof then of course he is being a shit. But if the op dumps him she will most likely go on to snoop on her next partner, and the next one, and the one after that... Just because you find something doesn't make it ok.

Jan45 · 23/09/2014 15:28

There is no proof that this man on pof is actually her dp, it could be, it might not be, but he's not wrong when he said that she doesn't trust him - if the op hadn't found anything how far is it acceptable to go

oh come on of course it's him, it's actually laughable.

I agree tho that getting angry and defensive isn't a sign of guilt but I'd believe it was him for sure, there's too much evidence.

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