narc mother has the whole family under her control

[bungabungablunder]

My mother is a manipulative narc who was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me when younger. My father is an enabler and enforcer who fights her battles for her. None of this has ever been talked about or acknowledged by them. Their version of my childhood and my version are completely and utterly different. I have been limited contact with them now for over 5 years.

My Grandmother (Mother’s mother) another narc and matriarch of the family died suddenly a few years ago, leaving my Grandfather (a weak personality who never had opinions of his own) alone.

My mother completely took over my Grandfather’s life when her mother died, to the exclusion of her brother (her only other sibling.) She took control of his finances, moved him in with her, made decisions about his life and blocked her brother’s (my uncle’s) access to him. My Grandfather, having always been weak and dominated by women, did not put up a fight.

The death of his mother and the exclusion of him from his father’s life by my mother caused my uncle to have a nervous breakdown. He publicly blamed my Grandparents for his treatment as a child at the hands of his mother, and, when my mother wouldn’t testify for his experiences – turned on her too and accused her of colluding in the abuse.

My mother has successfully closed down all these accusations and triangulated all the relationships in the family. There is no communication which doesn’t go through her. If anyone dares to communicate in a way where she’s not involved, they get “punished” in the form of my father threatening them or my mother taking revenge.

Therefore the “story” within the family and with friends of the family is that she is an amazing woman who cares for her widowed father and my uncle is a lunatic who is making up lies.

My mother pretends that she and I have a great relationship, to keep up this pretense to the outside world – but she knows and I know that I cannot stand her and barely speak to her.

A few years ago, my uncle appealed to me and wrote me a long letter about the character of my mother. He described her well, in my opinion, and I didn’t disagree with his summary of her personality. The only catch was that he was looking for me to help him get access to his father, and to publicly condemn my mother in the way that she had done to him, and help him get access to their father’s will.

I sympathized and told him that I agreed with him about her character, but that I couldn’t do anything about the will, as I was limited contact with my mother and didn’t want to get involved at all.

My uncle proceeded to call my Grandfather and tell him that I agreed with him about my mother’s character therefore he wasn't the only one who felt this way, ie he had an ally and wasn’t a lunatic.

My Grandfather, fearful of my mother and the consequences of keeping the secret of having spoken to his son, reported this straight to my mother, who took huge revenge on me:

She called my abusive ex-partner (who I had reported for harassment) and disclosed to him my new address and details about my life, which he tried to use to harass me again.

The message from her basically was – 'you betray me, and I’ll betray you.'

She also got my father to physically threaten my uncle.

So we are back in a deadlock. Out of fear, my uncle won’t contact me and I won't contact him. My Grandfather is still fearful of her and does what she says (she has full control of his money now.)

Should I just have nothing to do with the whole lot of them? Should I have done something? What other options do I have?

[Asteria]

Bloody hell! I thought that my mother was a piece of work...

Sadly you will rarely, if ever, win against a narc. They slip and slide through a quagmire of lies and have absolutely no human empathy (my own mother and DH's ex wife are both prime examples). My gut instinct is for you to cut yourself loose from the emotional and physical ties, your mother will never change. There is sadly nothing that you can do to save the situation that your grandfather is now in - short of performing a rescue mission and taking him into hiding there is nothing that you can really do. Not without causing an almighty shit storm. He has allowed this to happen, albeit under duress, and sadly he is not your battle to fight. As for your uncle, you could possibly maintain a contact with him, however I would make it clear to him that your mother, father and probably grandfather shouldn't know of it. It may be an idea to persuade him that your grandfather's will is not worth the emotional damage it would cause by fighting your mother for it. In her mind she probably believes she has earned every penny and possession from your grandfather through the enormous imposition of caring for him (you can probably smell the burning martyr!).
It is incredibly sad but distance is your only survival tool available at the moment. I wish I had a magic formula but with narcs there simply isn't one. Your mother has thought nothing of putting you in harms way before and I doubt she would think twice about doing it again.
I hope that you manage to find a way through this.

[Aussiebean]

I agree. Cut all ties and get on with your life.

Although you could tell your uncle to wait, stop giving your mum ammunition, then contest the will when his dad dies. He really is in the anger stage and he won't move on until makes peace with the situation. Ie, he can't change it, yes it is unfair, but he needs to accept and let go.

Very hard, but necessary for his own peace of mind.

[something2say]

I think you might do well to stand up and say your piece and to hell with the lot of them. What they do with it is up to them, but don't stand silent. Be there for and with your uncle and maybe he can be there for you too. Don't collude in the lie, you'd be surprised at how quickly it will fall down.

[paddlenorapaddle]

Agree with something to say its amazing how people are just waiting for someone to say something

As for your mother the next time she puts your life in danger call the police you can't make it any worse

As for your uncle he should just go round to your mothers or call social services they may not find anything but it sends a very clear message

[paddlenorapaddle]

As for I say that a lot ...,, goes off to make tea mumbling

[Quitelikely]

If you wanted you could speak to the elder persons team at SS explain what is going on and advise they need to talk to your GF ALONE.

The alternative is to back well off personally I couldn't do that as I like to have my say on things and I would be challenging your mothers behaviour. She sounds vile. I hope someone takes her down a peg or two.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

She gets away with this behaviour because she manipulates people into buying into the lies. After what she did to you, putting your life in danger, I'd stop at nothing to bring her world crashing down, if only for the sake of your GF.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

She could be guilty of elder abuse and the only people who could really do anything about your GF's situation are the local authority's SS's safeguarding section. Although it's realistic to point out that they are very possibly overwhelmed, so may not have the resources to investigate this quickly.

As for your uncle, I would consider sending him a supporting message but make it clear that you will not get personally involved for obvious reasons.

Stay well clear and keep yourself out of the firing-line. Nothing good can come of getting involved in all this drama.

[Asteria]

I agree with SS for your grandfather. I'm sorry but I really don't think confrontation with your mother will do any favours to anyone, least of all you op

[bungabungablunder]

Thank you all for your great replies.

The SS option has crossed my mind a few times. Rather than "reasoning" with people in the family and trying to sort out things between us, I know that bringing in the authorities would be stopping the triangulation.

I have even read through some of the notes at Age Concern and seen there is a category called "narcissistic abuse" of an elderly person.

But like you say, how quickly they will act (after giving notice - therefore tipping her off that someone has been in contact with them) is anyone's guess and is based on where you live and how snowed under they are.

Plus it puts me in the firing line, which I hate - and the mere thought of it gives me lots of anxiety.

I know I should feel sorry for my uncle, and I do, but I am also very angry with him for going straight to my Grandpa and ostensibly using me as a pawn, or using my agreement with him as a pawn. I had merely said I didn't know what to do, but getting him access would be difficult for me. We could have at least had a conversation about how we were going to go forward, but he jumped the gun and used me - which makes me annoyed with him.

So she has successfully caused friction between my uncle and I too.

[Meerka]

Whatever else you need to stop telling your mother anything meaningful. talk about the weather, talk about the flowers, talk about anything but do not talk about anything that she can use as ammunition against you. (somehow Im sure you know this already).

I would also gently back away from contacting her often. Visit less (you're busy, the cat is ill, your children are needing ferrying around, anything). Pick up the phone half the time, not all of it.

I'm very sorry but it's almost certainly too late for your grandfather to free him. You'd literally have to throw her out physically and fight not only her but the rest of your family and possibly even your grandfather as well ... people who have lived as cowed victims for decades forget how to stand up for themselves, the stuffing has been knocked out of them, and they even go along with their oppressor because it's the only way they know how to make their live bearable. I'm sorry. Sometimes it's just too late.

It would be kind and maybe good for you too if you could keep a secret contact with your uncle .... if you can trust him to be discreet. You might not be able to. Him speaking to your grandfather was a big tactical error, though if he's only just coming out of the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt he may not have known the best strategic way of dealing with her. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself even if you know you're going to be defeated; he might have been in that place. But if you can trust him now, then it would maybe be a great comfort to him and to you to have contact. If you can't trust him - keep away.

[perfectstorm]

Your uncle wasn't concerned about you, here. Just himself. It doesn't sound like he's that concerned about his father either, just the will. He was an adult when you were a child and did not help you. You don't owe him anything.

Your mother enabled your abuser. Get shot of her. Some people are incredibly bad news and will always remain incredibly bad news. Why allow them to hurt and harm you, over and over again? Honestly, what do you gain from contact with her?

[MistressDeeCee]

Cut all ties. Move on, and make your life the best it can be for you. My Mother is a narcissist...she thinks nothing of turning her children against each other, then sitting back innocently watching the fallout. I can't fucking stand her and we no longer talk much. I am close to my brothers - one of them got the same treatment as me, the other is her shining star but even he can see what she is like. She spent years criticising me sneakily to my own children. My dad went off years ago due to her carping and manipulating. I do speak to her if I see her tho..but as long as she is away from me, we don't visit each other and barely see each other, then thats fine. I concentrate on my life, my children and OH, other family relationships that are good, and thats enough for me. I can't be bothered with the headache she causes and I don't feel a shred of guilt either.

[Adarajames]

I'd speak to the vulnerable adults people at SS as would want to check that your GF isn't bring hurt by your mother as she's certainly abiding him emotionally and financially. You wouldn't hand to have contact with your mother to do this

[Adarajames]

*Have to