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Relationships

How much effort should I make for my two DS to see their grandparents?

15 replies

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 22/09/2014 23:17

DH has always had a strained relationship with his Dad, who is a very controlling person. His mother enables this and they don't really take any interest in us as people. They just say they come to see the grandchildren.

Last time they visited, they were quite rude to DH and weren't interested in spending any time with us (DH and me). They did take the children out for the day and they had a good time.

The second night they stayed they urged us to go out and we said we would pop round to a neighbour's bbq. One DS was at a sleepover and they left the other DS on his own while they watched the world cup. DS (5) didn't want to watch it but didn't want to be left on his own so we took him with us, not meaning to be long. However, quite a few friends were there and we ended up staying until 10pm. Half of me felt we should go back earlier to keep them company, but the other half (which won) felt that they didn't want to see us anyway and they had chosen to watch the world cup over DS, so what was the point in returning early. (Reading that, I sound quite petulant, but I felt pretty petulant to be honest)

When we got back, MIL was chirpy but FIL immediately left the room without speaking to us. They left the next morning before we got up. I have sent several emails and pictures of the boys (our usual way of communicating unless I ring them, as they won't call us as we don't have a landline) but no reply until it was my birthday. They sent a card with a note saying they were disappointed the boys hadn't visited over the summer and would they want to visit over half term.

The boys don't want to go as they find it boring. They don't do anything special, just go to the supermarket and visit the cemetery. I feel I should encourage them to go to keep up the relationship but am now questioning why I am the only person doing anything to maintain it? DH isn't bothered. I am considering driving up and staying at my SIL so the boys stay just one night then I can drive back the next day (2.5hrs each way). I know the inlaws probably won't be happy with that, the boys won't be happy and I don't particularly want to travel.

So..... how much effort should I make? Am I being selfish or should I be the big person?

OP posts:
ShouldISellTheHouse · 23/09/2014 01:01

Do you work? Do you have time to take them? Are the boys benefitting in any way from the relationship?
To be honest it sounds one sided- I reached the stage with my family once I had a ft job and 2 dcs where I had to prioritise me occasionally over people's expectations that I would do all the running.

Travelledtheworld · 23/09/2014 06:30

Can you suggest somewhere the In laws could take the boys where they can all have fun together ? Zoo ? Playground ? Crazy golf ?

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 23/09/2014 09:18

Thank you for your replies.

I do work for the family business so can be flexible. I do feel I should make the effort as they are getting old and don't want to travel, but it seems sometimes they see them so they can say they have seen them, if that makes sense? Not that they actually value the time with them.

I would love it if they took them somewhere! That costs money though. They have enough and go on several cruises a year but do love a bargain. They wouldn't dream of spending money to take the boys anywhere. So it's just shopping, town on a bus, lots of graves! At 9 and nearly 6 that isn't really working any more. So I thought I could take the boys out to blow off steam and they could just stay overnight at the inlaws to spend some time with them, then leave late the next day. I wouldn't mind doing this if it was appreciated. But I have a feeling it will be all passive aggressive sad faces and FIL will hate not being in control.

Perhaps I need to find my lady balls and just do this though! Thank you for responding. It does help just writing it down. I want to do the right thing but not be taken for a mug.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2014 09:45

"I feel I should encourage them to go to keep up the relationship but am now questioning why I am the only person doing anything to maintain it?"

Indeed.

You seem really nice and have likely come from a family where controlling behaviours like his father has are totally unknown. You also likely had decent role models as grandparents and naturally want that for your children as well. You're going to have to fully accept though that this is not going to happen with your own children and their grandchildren; they just want to use your children as accessories and to show their photos off to any passing acquaintances. As you have already all too clearly seen, not all families are nice and not all grandparents are kind and loving. A lot of people get caught up in such a trap, you're not the only one at all.

In DH's parents you have a controller (controlling behaviour is in itself abusive behaviour) and an all too willing enabler to back him up; this whole dynamic of theirs is something I would not want to expose the children to anyway. If both of you find them too difficult/toxic/unreasonable/difficult to deal with its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless children as well. These people simply do not make for being good grandparent role models. I would NEVER ever leave them alone with their grandparents either!!!.

Why are you doing this at all when you have clear evidence that your H's parents are the ways they are?. If they cannot behave decently to you they should not see any of you frankly. Would you tolerate this from a friend, no well family are no different.

I would also cut right back on sending them any photos, they are clearly not interested.

You need to look at your own self here and reasons why you have wanted to continue what is basically a one way relationship. Societal convention and them getting older are simply not good enough reasons for wanting to maintain this at all and I am sure your H wonders why you at all bother with them. Your children find them unsurprisingly not all that interesting to visit particularly if they only go to the supermarket or cemetery.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2014 09:47

Your ILs also sound very mean as well which is not an attractive trait in people generally speaking.

You do not mention your own parents; I was wondering what sort of role models they are.

Castlemilk · 23/09/2014 09:49

Leaving the room without speaking to you?

Passive aggressive sad faces and a rude display of control from FIL?

No, I would do not a damn thing to maintain this relationship, given that it's clearly not benefiting your children anyway.

I don't let myself be treated badly, ESPECIALLY not by family who should presumably be coming from a place of love and support... and I don't let my children see that that is an ok form of relationship, either.

And when they comment, you simply reply:

'No, to be honest PIL I don't really intend to prioritise bringing the boys to see you, not after the last visit, as I'm beginning to think it's becoming more negative than positive for them. On your last visit, you were rude to DH and made it clear that you weren't really interested in spending time with us. That's not a message I want the boys to see. I could however work around that - but you also made it clear that while you wanted to see the boys, it had to be on YOUR terms. So you didn't want to spend time with DS2 because the world cup was on, but you also didn't want him going anywhere else, and so we had FIL sulking and snubbing us as you left, presumably because what should have happened is that DS2 was left, bored, on his own so that you could get to say that he was with you.

They're older now and they need more and different input. They don't get anything out of visiting cemeteries and the supermarket and it's only a matter of time before THEY are saying they don't want to visit. Now I would be very happy to put the effort in to help you still have them visit and make it fun for them - I know it can be exhausting. But there's no way I'll be doing that for someone who then thinks it's acceptable to act rudely towards us.'

AMumInScotland · 23/09/2014 09:51

"Last time they visited, they were quite rude to DH and weren't interested in spending any time with us"

Why would you run around after people who don't think you and their son are worth being decent to? What example are you giving to your children of family behaviour if you accept this kind of thing? At 9 and 6 they can see very clearly what their grandparents are like, and the difference between what they say about wanting to spend time with them and what they actually do.

Time to back off and stop trying to turn this relationship into what you think it ought to be and accept what it is - which is frankly one-sided and pretty crap!

Meerka · 23/09/2014 12:09

what muminscotland says.

If they can't be on good terms with their own son and be friendly and polite, then why on earth should they have access to their son's children? this is pretty shoddy behaviour, to be rude to their son.

On top of that, the children are bored and don't want to see them and these well-off people can't be bothered to do even cheap things that they might enjoy. Pretty shoddy again.

Agreed with everyone else, time to back off and wait until they are prepared to genuinely make a real effort. Passive aggressive sadfaces can be met by directness "The children are bored and need more to do" and also by saying very directly "you're not pleasant towards your own son, we wonder why you are interested in your grandchilden. We'd like civility towards the family as a whole please".

Very unenglish thing to do, I know!

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 23/09/2014 15:19

Wow, there's a lot to think about here. Thank you to all of you who replied. I suppose I feel guilty if I don't try hard enough to make it work.

DH can easily disengage but its taken him years to learn this.

My own mother was very like FIL and I was much better standing up to her. I have stood up to FIL in thd past and challenged him to which he doesnt respond. Think this is why they don't want to spend time with us.

I find it harder to deal with sulks and being ignored. Actually that is a revelation. My own mother ignored me for days at a time when I had upset her. Think I am trying to resolve this situation as that was the most hurtful way she treated me.

Thank you ladies! Why am I running around trying to sort this out to please some nasty old man? Will now stop. X

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/09/2014 15:26

I'd really take the lead from your DH and from the children.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 23/09/2014 15:29

I've been reading through your posts again and it has really struck a chord how we shouldn't have to put up with people, well one particular person, who doesn't respect us. In our own home!

And how they used to make DH feel. Although it appears I am feeling it now on his behalf!

OP posts:
MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 23/09/2014 15:32

Yes, that's it in a nutshell Lweji. They're his parents after all! I need to step back.

OP posts:
Travelledtheworld · 23/09/2014 15:38

I have dealt with two sets of elderly grandparents and you have to realise they come from a different time and place. Old people can sometimes be very selfish, or at least self centred. They may have other things worrying them which would be trivial to you, but to them are a huge issue.

They may not understand the concept of having fun with your kids and may not be sure what to do.

My own parents did not see my children very often. We lived a long way away. When we moved again, closer to my parents, they were too old and decrepit to have fun with the children. Now they are both dead and I regret the fact they are no longer around. My son has been researching his family history and he has no one to ask questions about life before 1930. He never knew the once kind and fun people that my parents were. He only remembers them as grumpy and somewhat eccentric old people.

I just suggest you compromise a bit.take the kids for for the occasional visit. Suggest some ( low cost) things they can do together. Prepare your kids in advance and don't overstay your welcome.

It's your decision. Good luck.

HansieLove · 23/09/2014 15:42

I think they need to be told. I like Castle's letter. Point out to them their rudeness to you and their son, which is not an acceptable way to behave. I'd also let them know that supermarkets and cemeteries is just a very sad way to spend time with the boys.

They have been acting awful, and yet they stay in your house and eat your food, and they can't even act civilly. Nuts to that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2014 15:47

It takes both sides to make a relationship work and his parents are basically their way or no way. You do not have to run around chasing your tail by trying and failing to appease your FIL; it is NOT your fault he is the way he is (and its also not your fault that your own mother is of a similar nature, I was not totally surprised to read that of her either).

I would agree that you need to take a complete step back from the ILs and stop feeling guilty to boot (hard to achieve I grant you but that needs to be done). Guilt is a useless emotion, you think his parents feel at all guilty - not a chance!. His parents are also mean which is an unattractive trait in its own right. Giving in or trying to appease such people only further rewards their bad behaviour.

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