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Relationships

How pissed off would you be with your mother over this?

68 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 22:57

I am trying to calm myself down but honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

My mum has been wanting to have 13yo dd to stay overnight for ages. Dd doesn't like my mum and hasn't been keen though I've been trying to persuade her. Had a wedding to go to this weekend so told dd she would have to go. Mum very happy to have her.

I had to go out shortly before mum could get there. So my mum arrives, comes in the house. Took one look at the front room and exploded about the mess. Dd tried to explain that we're having builders coming this week so I'm currently trying to cram all the contents of the downstairs of my house into one room.

According to dd mum wouldn't listen and raced round the house looking in rooms and ranting and swearing. Her main points to dd are;

That my dh is a "backside licker". Hmm

That the house is disgustingly dirty. (Its not dirty, its a tip atm due to impending builders".

That dd has a new computer in her bedroom. "You're going to turn into your mother" was the phrase mentioned. (Because I surf the web rather than watch TV she thinks I spend too much time on computers.....but its fine for her to spend 5 hours an evening staring at the TV).

That we're "dirty chavs". Okaaay.

That I'm so fat it must be painful for me to walk. I'm a size 16.

That I'm unhealthily fat and need a better diet. Lots of variations of insults concerning my size.

That my brother is so fat he's going to get diabetes.



Back story. My mum can occasionally be nice but doesn't seem to keep the pretence up for long before having some majorly toxic rant like this.

I'm fucking sick of it. She said similar about the house years ago when i was an inpatient in hospital and funnily enough hadnt hoovered, etc due to being in a hospital bed. She had a row with dh that time and threw herself out saying she was never coming back.

I didnt let her back in my house for over a year as she'd been so rude. A year later she's back at it.

Her house is a pristine show home. My standards aren't quite so high but I'd hoovered and cleaned the kitchen only that day. My house is not dirty but can sometimes be slightly cluttered. I'm talking a pile of toys in the front room, a pile of post on the worktop. Not house of hoarders type thing.

I'm tempted to email her telling her she isn't welcome here anymore.

OP posts:
catsofa · 22/09/2014 22:59

I really think you should. No wonder your DD doesn't like her. I would not even consider making her stay overnight with her, why do you feel you should?

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 22/09/2014 23:01

Yep, I'd email her and tell her never to come back.

And if she asks to have you're DD again I'd say No - she doesn't really like you.

Disclaimer - I'm a bitch.

Darkesteyes · 22/09/2014 23:02

Your mother is emotionally abusive OP.

And if they do implement new laws on emotional abuse these need to be applied to other family members as well as partners.


my DM is emotionally abusive too except when shes getting her own way. Yours sounds a fucking nightmare

VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 23:03

I felt guilty which is why I'd been trying to get dd to agree to go. Mum had been nice for a bit and I start thinking "poor lonely lady who wants to spend time with her only granddaughter".

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 22/09/2014 23:05

Why on earth would you want your dd to spend time with this woman against her will?

VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 23:06

Don't worry, I won't be making her again.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 23:07

Dd came home and actually asked me if it hurt when I walked. Mum had done such a good job of convincing her it must do. Sad

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 22/09/2014 23:07

Viva If someone had said about their partner that they had been "nice for a bit" ppl would say that it is part of the cycle of abuse.

It is no different when it is a relative As far as im concerned the same statement applies. It is part of the cycle of abuse.

SavoyCabbage · 22/09/2014 23:08

I would do what Goodboy says.

Darkesteyes · 22/09/2014 23:10

Do you really want your mum giving these messages of body shaming to your daughter. Because that is what she is doing.

She is using your DD to abuse you. I am absolutely DISGUSTED

VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 23:16

Funnily enough the last time she ranted about the house it was at dd. this was the time I was in hospital. Dh was on his way home.

Dd rang me in hospital as mum had upset her so much. I had to ring dh to tell him to get his foot down and get to dd. must have been at least 2 years ago as dd was at primary school.

Its like she wouldn't dare say it to me or dh but says it dd....maybe Hoping it gets back to us?

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 22/09/2014 23:28

She needs reminding it will probably be you choosing her nursing home. Angry

VivaLeBeaver · 22/09/2014 23:37

The way she's going I'll have nothing to do with nursing home choosing, nor will I be visiting her.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 22/09/2014 23:41

She is VERY abusive Viva. And she wonders why your DD cant stand her.

BaffledSomeMore · 23/09/2014 00:00

Jesus. My 71 yr old mum would roll up her sleeves and ask if she could do anything. And tell me how tidy it is considering!

That's because she's not a horror.

Your mum sounds madder than my FIL who is quite expert at destroying self esteem.

FestiveFox · 23/09/2014 00:01

Viva I'm sorry sheddone this to you

But please please keep.your dd away from.her

FolkGirl · 23/09/2014 03:49

Why on earth did you agree yo leave your dd alone with this woman?!

My mother was EA. like many women in abusive relationships, I didn't get out until she began to be a real risk to my children.

Your dd doesn't want to see her. I think you need to listen.

Oh and my mother will now be choosing her own old people's home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2014 06:26

Sod feeling guilty Viva re your mother. You think she feels at all guilty at the ways she has treated you and by turn your DD now - not a chance. Emotionally abusive people like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

If you find her too difficult to deal with its the same deal for your child.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are no different.
It is not your fault your mother is the way she is; her birth family did that lot of damage to her. You need to go no contact with such a person.

differentnameforthis · 23/09/2014 06:31

This is what my mother would be like if I let her into my life. Except the stuff about siblings, they are fucking perfect if you ask my mother. I stopped talking long before I had kids, because she is 100% toxic.

Dd doesn't like my mum and hasn't been keen I think you need to listen to your daughter, she seems a good judge of character.

I'm tempted to email her telling her she isn't welcome here anymore. What's stopping you? If this was a friend, would you still be on talking terms?

differentnameforthis · 23/09/2014 06:32

"poor lonely lady who wants to spend time with her only granddaughter"

Think about WHY she is lonely...

differentnameforthis · 23/09/2014 06:34

Its like she wouldn't dare say it to me or dh but says it dd....maybe Hoping it gets back to us? you are used to it, and would probably "hit" back, this way, she gets her message to you without being on the recovering end of your wrath.

Pick on a defenceless child..nice.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/09/2014 06:34

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to stop contact with her. Have really had enough. Will tell my brother what's going on as well.

OP posts:

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HumblePieMonster · 23/09/2014 07:30

Don't make your daughter stay with her!

You're quite right to cut contact. She's abominably rude. She's so bad I think she probably can't help it but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

diddl · 23/09/2014 07:37

What a horror!

And your poor daughter that you were trying to persuade her!

Why were her feelings worth less than what your mum wanted?

I think that I'd just stop contact tbh & not bother with an email.

jonicomelately · 23/09/2014 07:45

Have you told your mother how your dd feels and how unacceptable her behaviour is? Personally I would have a massive heart to heart with her and give her the chance to change her behaviour before Cuttin her out of your life.

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