He's been having an affair

[mrsb369]

I'm hoping writing this will have a cathartic effect. I found out over the weekend my husband of 7 years ( together 15. 2 children.) has been having an affair.
So as not to drip feed i looked at his phone on Saturday as he had a text, we were expecting friends that evening and I thought it might be them. Instead I discovered a series of erotic texts from him to another woman. He works abroad and is only home at weekends, our sex life is not the best mainly due to low sex drive on my behalf.
I confronted him when he got back and he "confessed all". He said it was all my text, she was an ex colleague and he hadn't seen her for 2 years let alone slept with her.
As you can imagine I was rather shell shocked at this point, I asked him if this was the truth as if our marriage was to continue I had to trust him. I then used his phone to text her asking for her side of things.
The next day I asked him if she had replied and he answered no. Sure enough when I looked in his messages, there was nothing there. I agreed to try to work things out.
That evening he had taken the kids to karate and I looked again on his phone, still no message. However when I looked on call register it was showing an incoming text from her.
At this point my inner geek kicked in and I downloaded some text recovery programme on the laptop and retrieved her message. Which said they were soulmates and she loved him.
This blew my mind completely as it was against his version of events, so I dug a little deeper. I then discovered texts going back over a year detailing that he had met up with her on at least 2 occassionally when in her home country, and lots of texts where he said he loved her and wished he was with her!
Cue me going ballistic at him on his return and recieving another "confession", that yes he had slept with her, and it had been going on for over a year.
He said he doesn't love her, it started out of boredom and he regrets being with her and risking our family and marriage. He's text her to say he doesn't want to have contact again, blocked her number and Facebook. He's now gone back to work.
I feel so empty and alone. I don't want my marriage to be over or my family split apart, but I don't know if I can get past this.
Sorry this was such a long one, well done if you made it to the end!

[HumblePieMonster]

risking our family and marriage
Too late, mate. You didn't 'risk' it, you bombed it right out of the water.

Send him packing.

Of course you don't want your marriage to be over or your family split apart, but if you stay together you'll always be insecure, and he'll believe he can get away with anything and will carry on as before.

[HumblePieMonster]

for the empty and aloneness. post here a lot, you'll feel less alone.

[Mum4Fergus]

So sorry...you gave him a chance to come clean, he didn't and you found him out again. Why would you want to stay with him?

[YvyB]

What horrible news for you :( I'm so sorry.
I know it's a bit clinical, but you need to tell your gp and have an sti test. How dare he put your health at risk? Once you've done that, try to tell someone in real life so you have some support.
I think you should also get some legal advice - doesn't mean you have to do anything, but at least it will give you an idea of the likely situation financially should you decide to divorce him.
Don't feel under any pressure to do anything right now. You've had a shock and that's more than enough to deal with for now. Take care of yourself and give yourself lots of time to process this. Do get your health checked out though. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Tell him to get out of the house. You need time to think about what you want to do. He's already lied to you twice that you know of.
Judge him on what he does next.

[YoBitch]

You poor thing. What an
arse. I know he says he's blocked her but I don't know if I'd be able to believe/trust that especially with him working away every week. Have you
confused in anyone for some support?

[YoBitch]

confided. not confused

[kaykayblue]

I don't think it can work.

I'm sorry.

He has broken you trust THREE times.

1. Once when he started this affair
   
2. Once when he then lied about the details
   
3. Once when he deliberately deleted the text which came from her in order to continue to deceive you.
   
   I'm sorry love, but this isn't what people do when they are genuinely regretful. His bench mark for trust is "what is the minimum I can get away with, and how can I manipulate the situation to reflect what I say".
   
   How could you ever trust someone like that again?
   
   With him working abroad as well...I'm sorry, but I think you should be filing for divorce on infidelity grounds.

[Jan45]

Please tell him to go, for your self respect if nothing else - yes it will be hard but letting him stay and you both pretending all is ok is not the way to do it, he needs to go - he's a liar and a cheat, I don't see how you get past this, he can't be trusted, the relationship is broken beyond repair - maybe in the future you might work it out but not whilst you give him the green light to stay.

[Hatespiders]

I'm so sorry you're having to suffer this. If it's been going on for over a year (as he eventually confessed) then the marriage is over. He's cheated, lied and betrayed you repeatedly. And what's to stop him carrying on with this woman if he works away all week? You just can't ever trust him now and it's time to get some legal advice, support from friends and family and make the break. There's no other way out of this. I do hope you can find some strength (possibly from very natural anger) and do what you have to do.