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Making a good marriage out of an abusive one? Please say it is possible

9 replies

CloudLining · 22/09/2014 21:38

A friend has confided in me about her marriage. It came up because her husband is always off with his hobby at the weekend, leaving her and her DC (1yo). She has just returned to work and is desperate to spend time as a family.

While she was telling me about it she said she hated discussions with DH because 'she didn't want him to resent her' and she 'didn't want to make him feel guilty' as he has a temper and guilt can set it off. She said she thinks he needs anger management as DH shouts and throws stuff when he is angry. She told me it would be her fault if she provoked him and he did something or threw something with her DC in the room. She said her mum says never to push a discussion with a man too far as we are 'all animals' and something might happen that would then be her fault for pushing.

Obviously, I am concerned about her. Her confidence is very low and she said she gives as good as she gets but it is apparent that her DH scares her and she's avoiding conversation with him in case he blows. My DH and hers are close, I know her DH loves her. But I can also see he is a bully.

Does anyone have advice? I think he is controlling but I can't say that to her. She trusts me to want the best for their marriage not just for her and that's why she's confiding.

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magoria · 22/09/2014 21:41

The only way it is possible is if the abuser acknowledges that they are an abuser and wants to change.

Nothing she can do will change this and make it a good marriage.

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CloudLining · 22/09/2014 21:53

I don't think she thinks he's an abuser. He definitely wouldn't he's an abuser.

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CloudLining · 22/09/2014 21:54

-think-

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Random1999 · 22/09/2014 21:54

no one can change you, all they can do is HELP you change IF you want to change, if he doesnt see anything is wrong (neither does she by the sounds of it) i doubt it will get better.

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CloudLining · 22/09/2014 21:57

How should I handle the conversations with her? How do I play it?

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Twinklestein · 22/09/2014 23:31

Get her the Lundy Bancroft book ('Why Does He Do That').

Also tell her that her mother's advice is dire.

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ContactIssue · 22/09/2014 23:39

Second the Lundy Bancroft book. It is really insightful.

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trackrBird · 23/09/2014 01:15

Let your friend do the talking. At the moment she probably thinks her marriage is normal, and her H just needs help with his anger. She's mistaken :( ...

Just let her talk. Try not to criticise her H directly (difficult! ) - but start by steering her towards questioning the situation she's in rather than seeing it as normal/acceptable.

This site gives good advice on supporting a friend:

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320004&sectionTitle=How+can+I+help+a+friend%3F

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CloudLining · 23/09/2014 13:44

Thank you for replies - I really appreciate it.

Due to chaotic broadband I managed to post the thread twice - so to keep it to one thread I thought I'd just post here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2191595-Making-a-good-marriage-out-of-an-abusive-one-Please-say-it-is-possible?msgid=49678522#49678522