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Relationships

What is this situation, and how do i practically and emotionally get out of it? (long, possibly triggering)

572 replies

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:07

Sorry, this is extremely long and i'm so worried about posting. It has been therapeutic to put it down in words though, and thank you so much if you get to the end.

I am a very long time lurker and occasional poster but have NC for this post. There is so much to say.. I guess I will start with what happened this weekend just gone and fill in from there to give a more detailed picture of the situation I have found myself in. This has been going on, on and off, for four, nearly five years.

On Friday I went away with ‘him’, for 2 nights at a b&b to “spend some time together”. We’re not ‘together’ and haven’t been for years as it has been really on and off, he is nice for a bit then does something awful and I am hurt and back away then he swears he’s changed…god it’s such a cliché.

Anyway, we went for a pub meal, I had one glass of wine, we went back to the hotel and I changed into pyjamas and got into bed. I kissed him, said I had enjoyed spending time with him and that I was shattered, turned over and went to sleep, drowsy with it being late- when I am tired its almost like a physical shutdown, I just crash out and can be asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

I was aware of him sort of trying it on as I drifted off, and said no, leave me alone, he stopped and I was able to get to sleep. Woke up I don’t know how long afterwards with a sharp pain as he was pushing his penis into me. I exclaimed ow! , said stop!, and he muttered sorry, I put my hand over myself ( my vagina) and must have fallen back into sleep.

Woken again by him pulling my shorts down and trying to touch and push his fingers into my vagina and bum (I’m sorry for TMI but don’t know how else to explain it). I pushed his hands off and said stop it, but he kept going back, wouldn’t stop, I was so tired. I crawled out of bed onto the floor to get away from him and he was like, look, I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone, get back into bed. This happened once more and he got angry and said fine I’ll fucking sleep on the floor.

Around 4am I woke up and my bits were on fire, I had to get up and hold a cold wet towel on them in the bathroom. He moaned that I was waking him up (he was on the floor with spare blankets).

The next morning I was still sore and he was acting all nice as pie talking about what we were going to do that day. I was in the shower and sort of had a bit of a panic, as I was sexually abused and raped by older boys when I was 13 and as I got older and in my mind I was in the shower trying to soothe my sore bits and feeling about 13.
He was in the room between the bathroom and the door to get out and I felt a bit panicky.
No one knows this, but he knows something happened like that in my past. I told him I was having a bit of a panic and he was like “Why??”

I came out of the shower and told him I wasn’t happy about how he’d acted last night. I explained how sore I was. He said “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more do you want me to do?”. I said that he has said sorry so many times before that it has lost meaning for me. I am sick of him always thinking he can take what he wants from me. He went completely mental saying oh are you calling me a rapist then?? I said no, but it wasn’t exactly consent if I was asleep is it? He said “ that’s it, here we go I’m such a bastard” etc etc. I asked him to take me home and he got really angry and drove dangerously and aggressively.
I have been in this situation so many times I have lost count. It feels normal. Since then I’ve had the usual messages ranging from I’m sorry, I’ll change, to “we’re obviously sexually incompatible” and “you just can’t handle my desire”.

History part: (I will try and be as concise as possible, as I say this has been going on for years and a lot has happened)

*10 months after I broke up with DS(now 6)’ dad, I was asked out for a drink by ‘him’. Had known of him and met him a few times over previous 5 yrs as had mutual friends. Friends actively encouraged me to meet with him. Went out and looking back he tried it on first night we met but I rebuffed him as I just personally can’t do sexual things with people I don’t know and care for.

*We started dating and 4 months in at his Bday drinks he got really drunk and this girl he knows was all over him, touching his chest, he ignored me all night despite me trying to join conversation, I went out to beer garden for less than 15 mins while a friend smoked and he went mental and got angry cause I’d apparently “fucked off”. I thought I’d better take him home, we stopped for food and this girl popped up and they were literally touching each others faces for about 40 mins while I stood there with a cold pizza and only stopped when I got in a taxi to leave.
Next day all apologies and swore he’d not have contact with her – FF to him leaving his fb message open on my laptop where he was asking her when she was next free for a drink. Lied to my face, then sorry. (Sounds so teenage, no?)

*The whole time he has accused me of sleeping with my son’s dad because I put myself out to facilitate contact and promote his relationship with DS.

*Accuses me of sleeping with male friend I’ve known since I was 17.

*When I bumped into old housemate I haven’t seen for a decade he threw a tantrum cause I was ‘ignoring him and taking the piss’, was rude to said friend and stormed off. When we got home he ranted for FOUR HOURS about how I was taking the piss and I don’t care about him, when I asked him to stop shouting at me he screamed “ This isn’t shouting THIS IS FUUUUUCKING SHOUUUUUTINGGGGG!!!!” Poor kids next door. Then refused to let me leave his house or sleep in a different room to me and slept practically ‘guarding’ me all night on the floor next to the sofa I slept on cause I wouldn’t go to bed with him. Oh and he threw sofa cushions around with such force they snapped his solid wood blinds. Again next day he’s “sorry” and he’ll change.

*Threw strops about me wanting to go to college to get into uni and why won’t I move in and have kids with him. Accused me of sleeping with every male on said college course.

*When I actually got confidence from going to college and met new friends and broke up with him (very carefully) he waged a campaign against me with 100’s of abusive texts a day, emails, letters, and actually standing outside my window and looking into my basement flat where he saw a male friend I was actually telling how scared I was he would do something awful and going completely mental that I’d been “fucking”(ugh) this guy all along and I’m a lying bitch etc etc. I hadn’t, of course.

*Around this time he purposefully got in contact with a girl I had been very close friends with but she had dumped me with no explanation while my son (then 2) was seriously ill in hospital at xmas, and repeatedly slept with her then told me all about it. Why it had to be her I still don’t understand as it was heartbreaking. He told me how they sat there and said I didn’t deserve him.

*Every time I was so hurt I felt I couldn’t take any more and broke up with him, he was so relentless and alternately vicious and horrible about me or telling me what a princess I am, banging on my door, phonecalls etc I am ashamed to say it was just easier to see him.

*Over all these years I have done things like: Had sex with him to get him to stop hurting and pawing/poking/prodding at me. Cried as he had sex with me. Given him hand relief to get him to leave me alone.

*Since I have completed college at distinction, gained a place at an excellent uni and moved cities on my own with DS, he has said things like “I bet you tell everyone at Uni you’re a poor old single mum an no one loves you so that they feel sorry for you”. I’m alternately a bitch, a “fucking little pikey cunt”(?!) and a lovely woman, a princess.

I would like to point out that DS has actually only witnessed one incident where there was low level arguing out of the room and he then called me a bitch in front of him which was unacceptable. The rest has been messages, emails, phonecalls, and when DS has not been there. Everyone thinks he is a good looking charming man. The above are just a few examples of a lot of things that have happened.

Outwardly, I must seem capable, I am bringing up a son, I’m full time at uni on a professional course, I am getting good marks, excellent feedback on placement. Part of me is just indifferent about this whole thing, that I might as well accept I’ll never be free of him, the harassment, the declarations of love, I might as well just have his kids and do what he wants. Why do I go back? I just can’t answer that. Maybe part of me wants to be loved. I feel dismayed that this has taken five years of my life, but part of me feels I probably deserve it.

Reading this back I sound like a spineless victim and I’m ashamed at the reality of it. Please can you be honest with me about what this situation is, and how best, practically and emotionally, to get out of it? I am in another cycle of apologies and promises of change from him at the moment, he is not listening to what I am saying.

Thank you so much for reading.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/09/2014 14:15

This situation is a higy abusive relationship and he is an abuser and a rapist. You need to call women's aid for some specialist real life advice. Thanks

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/09/2014 14:15

highly

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:16

Shit, i'm panicking now.

OP posts:
elenasalvatore · 22/09/2014 14:21

Don't panic - you've been incredibly brave in capturing everything you have been through. He does not sound like a good person (understatement) and you sound like you have a lot going for you away from this relationship. Please please do whatever it takes to escape from him and rebuild your life away from his grip. Like pp says, there is a lot of support out there should you need it.

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:21

Thank you Ehric for the Flowers. He has never been physically violent, he shook me once like "whats wrong with you" after I sank to the floor sobbing after 3 hours of accusations about previously mentioned student guy. He said he was "trying to pick me up". I feel like a bit of a fraud ringing women's aid. I know its stupid.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/09/2014 14:21

He's not listening to what you're saying so just top bloody saying anything.

He's got form for pawing/poking/prodding at you and now he's raped you while you slept. Nice.

I dunno what to suggest other than getting really fucking angry with him while you go total and utter NO CONTACT.

Anything other than his complete absence from your life is going to continue the abuse from this horrible RAPIST fucking arsehole.

Yardley · 22/09/2014 14:22

This situation is abuse.What are you actually getting out of it thats good? You don't live with him, you've no children with him.You've no reason to see him every again.So please don't.
Then get yourself some counselling because I think you need to work through your unresolved issues and what has happened to you in the past...good luck op, but please please don't give this man any more of your time.

Yardley · 22/09/2014 14:22

no reason to see him ever again...

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:23

Thanks Elena. In terms of support i'm not really sure where to start, where to look.

OP posts:
cailindana · 22/09/2014 14:24

Jesus Christ.

What is it? Rape, intimidation, abuse, harassment, aggression. It's a living nightmare.

How can you stop it? Call the police, report him for rape and harassment, keep a log of all incidents of abuse and stalking. Do not respond to anything -act as if he doesn't exist. Move, if you can and make sure he doesn't know the address. Change your number, your email address and any means he has of contacting you.

He is a very dangerous man, and you need to make that clear to the police. Every single time you feel intimidated by him, call them. Every time. That's what they're there for.

You poor thing. I don't know how you've put up with such horror for so long, but now is the time for it to stop.

wideboy26 · 22/09/2014 14:26

How old is this imbecile? 14? He has serious issues.

cailindana · 22/09/2014 14:26

Support? Counselling? WTF?? The OP hasn't had a fight with a grumpy boyfriend, she's been repeatedly sexually assaulted and raped by a dangerous predator.

Support and counselling will be advisable when the situation is sorted. But for now your best option is the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 14:27

The 'situation' is an abusive relationship. Verbally, emotionally, sexually abusive and possibly more besides. The overarching feeling is one of 'control' and he's clearly playing on your insecurities, your history of assault, and need for affection as a way to achieve it. When that doesn't work and you dump him, he intimidates and coerces you into taking him back. More control.

The incident in the B&B was rape. Nobody 'deserves' to be raped or abused and I'm sorry that you're in such a terrible state that you think you have no option but to put up with this. I can't quite work out how long this has been going on but, rest assured, you don't have to tolerate it a second longer. DS may never have seen you being subjected to violence but he will see that you're unhappy and your spirit is being crushed.

You probably need help getting this man out of your life. Please get some RL support from friends and family by telling them exactly what's been going on. A charming, handsome abuser is still an abuser.

Also please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get some advice there as well. I think his behaviour is serious enough for police involvement

seasavage · 22/09/2014 14:28

You need to get well away. I'd say that he's manipulated your thinking a great deal and you're in denial about how bad it is.
Rape is violence. He has been violent. How would you advise another on MN if you read this?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/09/2014 14:28

Callindana's right: he is a very dangerous man.

The longer you don't end this once and for all the longer he has to totally undermine your sense of self-worth. And you are worth more than this. We all are.

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:29

I'm in tears, thank you all for replying. Honestly, thank you. I have felt trapped for so long, and feel responsible for it as I have always gone back, missed the times he has been lovely. But that's not the real him. He always has to ruin it and then pretend it's fine, i'm over-reacting, I "can't ever let anything go"...the same thing over and over and over again.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 14:32

If you feel responsible it's because he blames you. If you feel trapped it's because he tells you there's no alternative. If you 'can't ever let anything go' ... those are his words, not the reality.

Please get help breaking this cycle. Womens Aid, sadly, have heard a lot of cases just like yours. This man will only get worse and you don't have to be there when it happens.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 14:34

"Every time I was so hurt I felt I couldn’t take any more and broke up with him, he was so relentless and alternately vicious and horrible about me or telling me what a princess I am,....."

This is particularly chilling. Relentless, vicious, horrible men who swap to telling you that you're a princess are utterly bloody dangerous. When you dump him today, if he pulls this stuff again, contact the Police DV team on 101 and tell them that you are being subjected to harassment. Keep all communications and don't engage.

cailindana · 22/09/2014 14:34

Sweetheart, there is nothing at all wrong in trying to see the best in people. There is nothing wrong with wanting to trust people and believe that they have your best interests at heart.
At some point you have learned that your feelings don't matter, that others can dictate how you react to things and can decide for you how your life is going to be.

You matter. How you feel matters. You are very very important and you need to feel safe and happy. He has no right to treat you so horrendously. None of it is your fault, you have done nothing wrong.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/09/2014 14:34

Any ordinary person might be willing and able to let something go, but not emotional abuse and sexual assault.

He's shown you what the real him is a number of times but you might not have been paying close enough attention before. Please, PLEASE pay attention now.

notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:35

Cogito- sadly I don't have many RL friends and family ( I sound pathetic don't I!)
I'm NC with Mum and sister, they'd love it if I contacted them to tell them what my life has become under the surface.. proof of what a loser I really am, and always have been - to them.
My dad doesn't do emotions and I barely see him and his wife- they make it clear they have their own life. They already act like i'm a bit of a drag.
The last nice friend I made was a girl at college, but she ended up about 5 hrs away from where I am after we finished.

OP posts:
notsurehowigottothispoint · 22/09/2014 14:37

I'm sitting on the sofa looking at DS, he is so lovely, feel a bit sorry for him that I have got to this point.

OP posts:

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Aradia · 22/09/2014 14:38

I've said this before, and I'll say it again, he doesn't have to punch you in the face for it to be abuse. This man is seriously abusive. You poor thing. You really need to get out of this and get away from him soon as you can. Even after just reading the first bit of your message I was horrified, reading the rest I seriously think you need women's aid to help you and possibly even the police.
You've managed to get away from
him before and you can do it again but I think you need help to do so. Have you got any support around you family, friends? You have done nothing wrong but if you stay with him he will destroy you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 14:39

If you don't have RL support, even more reason to get agencies on your side, police involvement, support, counselling and other outside help. Being isolated makes you more vulnerable to this man and I expect he's fully aware of that.

PacificDogwood · 22/09/2014 14:40

Ah, notsure, just to add my voice to the others and to confirm to you what you have felt and partly already know: you are in a damaging, dangerous relationship with a damaging and dangerous mans Sad.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and the assault in your past.

Listen to what he is saying to you.
Listen to what he is NOT saying.
And pay great attention to how he is acting: how many times did you have to say to him to stop?! Angry
How many previous occasions have there been where being with him has left you feeling bad?

Don't give him another chance to abuse and hurt you - please don't.

Ring Woman's Aid. Today.
Cut contact with him.
If you felt up to it, inform the police - what he did that night is at the very least sexual assault and maybe rape.

ThanksCakeWine to you.

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