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Relationships

I just don't know what to do.

78 replies

Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 20:35

I've been with my P for a few months now, it's been very relaxed and easy from the start- very few disagreements and we're both rather good at knowing when the other needs a little space. We had some holiday left over and thought we both deserved a break, so booked a gorgeous apartment in a sleepy little Spanish village. His idea, then I did all the planning.

We flew in yesterday, landing about 9pm, and I could see he was tired and on edge, so did my best to make sure the trip to the apartment ran smoothly (despite a delayed flight and missing taxi driver!)

Once we got to the village, the couple we'd rented the apartment off had booked us in at a lovely little restaurant, very laid back and quiet. However from the minute we got into the taxi at the airport he made it very clear he didn't want to go for dinner, so I suggested we go back to the apartment, he could relax there while I went for dinner alone. He continued making a huge issue of how tired he was, despite me repeatedly saying I was more than happy to go alone, and that I didn't want him coming if he didn't feel up to it.

But, for reasons unknown, he came along anyway and proceeded to make the entire meal utterly unbearable- again, telling me how tired, sick, stressed he was- and the only way I could deal with it was to continue being civil to him, reassuring him it was just a couple of tapas' then we could go.

He then started berating me for the amount I drink, saying that that was the reason he was so stressed and "couldn't I see how I was damaging my health". Just to clarify, I had a small glass of white wine and a large bottle of water, I've had no previous substance or alcohol problems and this was the first drink I'd had since Tuesday. When I refused to get into an argument with him he got worse, then stormed out of the restaurant in front of the rest of the customers and left me with the bill.

Since then, he's spent the entire time in the spare bedroom, tried to bait me into another argument about my "alcohol intake" and only spoken to me when he wanted me to get him cigarettes from the shop.

I can't stress enough how out of character this is for him, or at least I didn't know he had this side of him, I just don't know how to react. I'm perfectly happy leaving him to his own devices and enjoying the time I have here alone, but it's difficult when I don't actually know what's wrong. As it stands, I'm going to continue doing all the things I'd planned to, visit all the places I want to, and yes if I want a glass of damn wine I'm going to bloody have one.

I'd prefer for us just to forget about it and enjoy the time we have here, but I'm at a bit of a loss, I was so so excited for this trip. I've seen the good advice you lot dole out, so please- give me some perspective.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/09/2014 20:38

Few months? This isn't a partner, it's a boyfriend and it's not working out.

I wonder why he's trying to pick a fight with you. I wonder why he's trying to find a fault with you. I wonder what his motive might possibly be for this strange out-of-character turn.

Shakey1500 · 21/09/2014 20:43

That's bizzare behaviour, clearly goading and totally unreasonable.

You've been more than accommodating. How long are you there for?

I'd be tempted to just take myself off and make it clear he's only to contact you to offer a grovelling apology and an explanation for his behaviour (if there is one that's acceptable)

GlowWithLight · 21/09/2014 20:46

You've only been together for a few months, so I'm afraid my love that this is certainly just a side to him you haven't seen yet, rather than some kind of aberration.

Somethings you said in your post caught my eye:

"His idea, then I did all the planning."

"I could see he was tired and on edge, so did my best to make sure the trip to the apartment ran smoothly."

"from the minute we got into the taxi at the airport he made it very clear he didn't want to go for dinner, so I suggested we go back to the apartment, he could relax there while I went for dinner alone."

"the only way I could deal with it was to continue being civil to him, reassuring him it was just a couple of tapas' then we could go."

Just, please... read your post as though someone else had written it, a complete stranger. Can you see what is happning here? You are allowing yourself to be walked all over, even volunteering for it, you have slotted into a role where you smoothe things over, tiptoe round him, pander to him, try desperately to change or lift his mood. He has probably picked you because of this. I'm so sorry, but the red flags are many and he is behaving very unpleasantly. You have done nothing wrong (you must be able to see that? I so hope you can) and his behaviour is abusive. You are 2 months in. You should be rolling around shagging on the bed and giggling deliriously, covering each others faces with kisses and mooching around hand in hand with massive grins. Not this!

I wouldn't stay, I would go home early. Staying is condoning his treatment of you, which is UTTERLY unacceptable treatment. Please don't stick around for more of this. You are worth so much more!

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 20:48

So, you had a holiday together and he couldn't keep up the Nice Guy act

That's good, because now you can dump him with no questions asked

Next !

FolkGirl · 21/09/2014 20:52

Yup, he's not a partner, he's a boyfriend. He's turning out to not be who or what you thought, after all.

Dump him.

You're allowed to do that, you know Wink

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him. You can't.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 21/09/2014 20:55

Phone a taxi to take him to the airport right now, and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 20:55

"You should be rolling around shagging on the bed and giggling deliriously, covering each others faces with kisses and mooching around hand in hand with massive grins. Not this!"

See this is how it's always been! We've known each other a few years before we started seeing each other and I've never seen him be less than considerate.

You're all right, I know you are, I just want to get through this week and to relax, whether he's involved or not. What do I say to him to make this clear without it turning into a huge argument?

Contrary to my post, I'm very much the kind of person who NEVER allows this kind of behaviour. I think that today it's different because I'm away from home and that this was a treat to myself so I don't want it ruined. I just don't want to be walking around with this weight in my chest. If this is how the rest of the week is going to be then once we're both back I'm going to make it very clear to him that there's no future with us.

I feel like I've made a huge mistake but I can't see how I could have expected behaviour like this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 20:57

No, you couldn't have expected it but this is what you have been presented with

Tailor your actions accordingly

Vivacia · 21/09/2014 20:58

I'm very much the kind of person who NEVER allows this kind of behaviour.

No, but it kind of takes you by surprise doesn't it?

Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 20:58

AnyFucker- You've summed it up in one, as always!

CleanLines- As bloody appealing as that is there's no way he'd go for it, and I'm trying not to get drawn into his hysterics.

I'm starting to think the only way to enjoy this week is to pretend I'm holidaying alone Wine

OP posts:
Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 20:59

I'm not in the wrong here am I?

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 21/09/2014 21:03

No. You're not in the wrong.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 21:03

Why would you be in the wrong ? Confused

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/09/2014 21:04

There is a bit of irony in you fetching cigarettes for him, yet you receive health warnings over one glass of wine from him. Do as I say, not as I do dynamic (double standard).

Being tired is not an excuse to be vile. He is choosing to treat you that way. The distraction of holiday/great location may make him believe you will tolerate this emotional abuse. I agree with Shakey, Glow, and AF.

Maybe he wants to break up with you, but wants you to be the bad guy, so he is provoking you to break up with him?

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 21:04

Would you treat somebody like this ?

kickassangel · 21/09/2014 21:05

You're seeing this now a you're away from home without your support network an he wants to see how much shit he can get away with.

Why not give him a choose. He can stf up and let you enjoy the trip without him in or he can fottfsofatfosm. Or get in that taxi you order for him.

Vivacia · 21/09/2014 21:06

In the morning I would give him a wry smile and say, "This is awkward isn't it? Realising that the relationship is over right at the start of a holiday(!) I understand if you want to go home early. I'm planning to go out for the morning, if you're still here would you like to meet up for dinner?".

GlowWithLight · 21/09/2014 21:06

You totally are NOT in the wrong so please don't think that. However, the fact you are questioning yourself is sad.
Do consider going home early. If he's revealed himself to be a real twunt - and it seems that he has - then you won't have the happy peaceful week you hoped for with him around. I know it is disappointing but you can't force it to be a happy time away if he is going to be like this. Do you really want to spend a week with that weight in your chest?

IndiaKnightGarden · 21/09/2014 21:08

You absolutely have to call him on this. You can't pretend he's not being a twat just to keep the peace for the duration.

I like Vivacia's idea.

I bet if you said something like that to him, he'd be completely bewildered.

Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 21:08

I would NEVER treat anyone like this. I take a lot of care in being considerate of others feelings, without becoming a doormat.

Once someone treats me badly, or is rude to me, then my feelings just switch straight off. I've been told I have high standards but I think basic manners and a little consideration for others is something you should expect from others.

I just want a fucking break! I've decided that tomorrow I'll take myself off into the village, I'll let him know but make it clear he shouldn't bother coming until he gets his act together. If he stays at home, no skin off my nose.

OP posts:
Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 21:09

I also like Vivacia's idea!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/09/2014 21:10

he'd be completely bewildered

Agreed, he'll be expecting you to continue with the second-guessing and appeasing.

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Anniemannie · 21/09/2014 21:11

Right, going for that. If I went out without saying anything he'd just use it against me so I am 100% going with that Viv.

Will keep you all posted!

OP posts:
IndiaKnightGarden · 21/09/2014 21:11

in fact, do you even still want to be with him now that he's shown his true colours?

And these are his true colours.

He's not a great guy pretending to be a controlling, moody knob.

He's a controlling, moody knob who can't keep up the pretence of being a great guy.

Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 21:12

Being tired is an excuse for not being the life and soul of the party or for bowing out of a meal with apologies in favour of an early night. It is not an excuse for being antagonistic and unpleasant and verbally laying into your girlfriend.

I have to wonder whether he's suddenly turned on you because he knows you're stuck with him for the duration of the holiday. I wouldn't mind betting he turns back into Mr Nice as you arrive home.

Do what you need to in order to get something good out of this holiday then dump him swiftly when you get home.

Thank goodness he's only saved it until you're on holiday rather than after a wedding.

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