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Relationships

Does anyone else have this happen with ALL their relationships?

46 replies

justiceofthePeas · 20/09/2014 23:48

And when I say ALL I do mean I really have had quite a few of them. Not all really short, one 10yr and one 7yr but mostly 3 or 4 months and the wheels come off.

Yet most people I know seem to have 1, 2 maybe 3 rs before they hit one that is pretty stable, works well for them and does not involve too much "putting up with" less than ideal behaviour.

I am not very high maintenance. Maybe that is the problem.

I meet people, various ways, if we get on, we go out. They usually start off keen but not too keen iyswim as that is unnerving. Then it all fizzles out or they start taking the piss and taking me for granted, breaking arrangements, not phoning etc. If they have a reason for it, e.g. work, family issue then I am pretty understanding although prefer if they let me know. But then they start doing it more often. Not texting me unless I text them etc.
And I am left with the choice of putting up or LTB.

First lt rs was lovely. Happy for years. Then it broke down due to circumstances including MH issues and just growing apart. I was devastated.
Many 4 month disappointments, then 1 lt EA rs.
another 4 month pisstaker disappointment after that.

Current rs I thought was going well. Pleasantly surprise. Been about 9 months. He has a lot on with family and work and so have been cutting him slack. We both have our own families. But lately he does not text me unless i text him..says he will call but does not. I don't want to keep texting or calling for fear of being clingy. Has cancelled our last two meet ups with little notice. Yesterday he said something had come up and he would call later but didn't. I assumed he fell asleep...but no text all day today...so unless he rip van fucking winkle...even if something major had happened in my life I would send a wee text saying something like sorry, stuff is going on. But nothing. I backed off today and waited for him to get in touch so I don't feel like a stalker. I feel like I don't matter at all and like an idiot.

Sent him text along lines of either something massive has happened or you CBA anymore. Either way it would be nice to know.

No reply. Not even a reply!Sad not long ago we used to talk for hours most nights.

In most of my rs sex has not been an issue. I like sex. In this one it was great.

I am the common factor in all my many many failed rs. So it must be me. Sad Cannot really bear to tell friends/family it has happened again.Blush I must be doing something wrong. Is easy going and understanding with lots of sex the wrong approach?

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 20/09/2014 23:53

Sounds very familiar but I'd give the lad one a chance to respond.

Dirtybadger · 20/09/2014 23:59

I wouldn't bother with any chance to respond. "Treat people how you'd want to be treated" and all that.

No relationship success here so no advice other than I think it sounds like your judgment in ending things is good. No point wasting more time. How do you meet them? Any common denominators?

justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 00:05

I haven't given up on him yet but will take some convincing. Tbh I have no idea how he really feels about rs although what little he has said has been v positive.

Fair enough he may have been asleep (again) when I sent it. He works hard and sometimes falls asleep early. But he was not asleep all day. Maybe I am a soppy cow but I tend to think of him at least at some point during the day and if I had said I would call but had e.g. fallen asleep (last night) i text to would say so.

I am torn between trying to be cool gf and thinking I should make a stand. My EA rs taught me there is nothing to be gained by speaking your mind as you get called for being 'needy' or 'crazy' or pathetic. So i haven't said much up till now.

On top I have recently been dealing with some stuff that I was in denial about from previous abuse so not in best place although have been putting on brave face. Could do without this.

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 00:08

I am generally positive, class half full, give ppl benefit of the doubt person.
It depresses me to think that maybe I need to be more suspicious, less trusting and harder work, grudging with sex etc. to not keep ending up like this.

Met last 3 OLD but before that, clubbing, through friends and/or work. Same story.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 21/09/2014 00:08

I would be annoyed too. I think 9 months is a long time, long enough to have the decency to let you know how he feels. Sad

justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 00:16

If this goes tits up I am pretty much ready to throw in the towel unless I can find a FWB. Had enough.

Phone just rang. At this hour, thought it might be him but no, wrong number.

He just did not seem like the type for silent dumping. Especially after this time.

Then again, if something major has happened I will feel like a prick but if something major happened with me I would tell him

OP posts:
SweetErmengarde · 21/09/2014 06:31

If it were me, OP, I would assume he had met someone else and/or was too cowardly to say he wanted out so was attempting the "slow fade".

But then I am a cynic and inclined to think the worst, particularly in relationships.

After a text like the one you sent him, ia man who was invested in the relationship would be falling over himself to reassure you. He has shown that he is either too lazy or scared to tell you what isreally going on with him, so I would be putting him and his "ishoos" firmly behind me.

saltnpepa · 21/09/2014 06:46

Are you saying this also happens in your friendships?

Locd35 · 21/09/2014 07:03

Hi OP,

I've had similar. Always been the cool understanding girl who let lots slide and sometimes too available - dropping everything when a guy wanted to see me, regardless of plans I had for myself . I remember one ex telling me that he felt like he could walk all over me if he wanted to. I remember being really offended at the time but years later I see where he was coming from.

Lots of men are strange. I think many think that if you don't have boundaries in place for them and you let lots slide, you're somehow not worth investing in.

I don't think sex itself is the issue. Maybe you're perceived as a bit too laid back?

I agree with a PP that you should just let this one go. Perhaps in future you can be clear about your boundaries and make sure you address them if crossed.

Frogisatwat · 21/09/2014 07:14

You are not a priority for him. There was a really good article in the daily mail (no apology. I love the paper and am not afraid to say so) this Thursday about men being cowards when it comes to dumping.
If he rang today and asked to see you would you jump to it? You sound a bit of a pushover with no firm boundaries.
I am not trying to be mean, I am exactly the same and am trying to work on it.

bonzo77 · 21/09/2014 07:20

Let him go. I've been in the same position. You have to disengage from the games. Be clear what you want, don't second guess him if he's not being clear about what he wants. After splitting with my ex in started OD. Met a lot of twats. Things only started looking up when I met someone who was genuinely as into me as I was him. And the way we both showed that was by just acting on our feelings. I did the unimaginable: when I wanted to see him I just called him. No texting which I think is open to far too much interpretation. And when he couldn't see me or answer the phone, he let me know ASAP.

You deserve better. You will probably find better. But you need to expect better, walk away from this and other dicks who play games and won't communicate. Nothing wrong with a FWB, or even more than one if you need a back up! I had one when I met DH. I actually hung on to him for a while after I met DH. And our arrangement was open enough that we would have both returned to it if DH hadn't worked out.

Locd35 · 21/09/2014 07:21
Dirtybadger · 21/09/2014 07:24

Hhmm. What the EA should have taught you is that you should speak your mind. You might as well, because dicks will call you needy or crazy regardless of whether that is anywhere near the truth. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you did something to earn those labels. They would have round a way to put them on you. You weren't being crazy or needy. You were being "normal"!
It sounds like you're still affected by the abusive relationship- making adjustments in your current one(s) in an attempt to people please/not rock the boat. You need to sort this out and get comfortable being yourself (and asserting yourself, definitely) in a relationship before embarking on the next one.

And, once again, dump this guy (if he responds, that is). If he's been off for a little while then even a decent excuse for now (I fell asleep is not included- but maybe "I was hit by a car and have been unconscious") doesn't explain his recent behaviour.

If you cancelled twice, then promised to call and didn't, but liked this guy, what would you be doing? He should be doing a variation of that. I suspect he's not. Personally I would be bending over backwards to ensure I'd communicated it wasn't anything they'd done/what the problems had been/that I was still very much interested. And I think that's what most busy people whose lives had genuinely got in the way, would do.

FrontForward · 21/09/2014 07:36

Locd35 those links are good.
OP I'd drop this guy because he is not putting you first. I'd drop him right now, no dithering, excusing....ta da dropped.

If it turns out he has a great excuse you can pick him up again. Meanwhile he's not occupying your head and you can get on with life

Don't be put off but do be quicker to drop

startinoveronmyway · 21/09/2014 07:42

From your post you sound very apologetic about your needs in the relationship? Example, you'd text or call but don't want to be seen as a stalker and you cut them lots of slack for not giving you what you need, very understanding if they can't give you time coz of their issues, etc....

You have every right to say, think and feel and demand what you'd like in a relationship. No compromises to how the relationship as a whole makes you feel.

I agree about setting clear boundaries on what you want/need and no compromising on them; you deserve to have a lovely relationship with someone who treats you well and cherishes you!

Maybe address your self-esteem? Parental issues can make a horrible mess of future adult relationships, as I am finding out for myself. Sad

BravePotato · 21/09/2014 07:51

Disclaimer: I don't really know anything.

But I am very proud and would never text someone asking to get in touch with me if I felt he might simply not be interested to hear from me.

Even in long term relationships I would not act "needy", and if he made no contact I'd go off and do something nice with friends. If in doubt, play it cool.

It sounds to me like you try (too hard?) to please and be as you think they want a woman to be (easygoing, lots of sex, no demands) when deep down you are not 100% like that?

Are you being true to yourself?

BravePotato · 21/09/2014 07:53

Duh, I read EA to be Emotional Affair..

Sickoffrozen · 21/09/2014 07:57

I think there are loads of men nowadays who treat relationships like cars. As soon as the excitement wears off, they trade you in for a new model. It's very easily done now with OD. A lad at work shocked me this week. He had been married for 10 years and has just split up (due to his affair) since then he has spent all his time on Tinder. He is now seeing three women, none of whom know about the others and is talking to many more. He is extremely good looking though so will always attract attention from girls. Unfortunately for every bloke looking for a serious long term relationship, there are many that are just looking for regular sex and as soon as that slows down and their partner starts making plans for the future, they fade away and are back online within days.

I think deep down, while OD gives women the same opportunities to do this, the vast majority of women still want to settle down with someone and live happily ever after! I think we are conditioned into this from a very early age.

I don't envy anyone who has to date nowadays. I had a spell of doing this for a couple of years and it was very hard work!

justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 09:22

Damn it lost a long reply.

The not wanting to be needy thing yes i know I need to work on that. and clearly I had/have boundary issues or I would not have ended up in an abusive rs but I have been working on it.
read this really good article www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/09/men-really-need-to-stop-calling-women-crazy/

Tbh I am like that in all spheres of life.

salt friendships. No. Same group of mostly male friends for the last 20 years. They are solid they never treat me nor their rs like that.

frozen but this one totally did not come across like that. If anything he was very clear that he really does do rs whereas I am perfectly capable of doing fwb if that is the way things are framed from the off.

We never had any problems talking. Until now. Generally I don't have to bring anything that might have been an issue up, he will realise it himself and say. So this has totally blind sided me. Tbh if this one turns out to be a liar/inconsiderate prick/player, I give up.
i clearly cannot tell wrong uns from right or else the percentage of twats is so high it isn't worth the risk of wading through the dross. This makes me so down as I generally go on the assumption that men are people just like us, that the majority of people are good etc. I don't want to have to operate on the assumption that the majority of men are rubbish and I need to pretend to be someone I am not in order to find an rs.

Think that was what I was trying to formulate in my OP, that I seem to be endlessly kissing frogs. And I get that if it doesn't work you should move on and not put up. But as I have no way of telling which ones are unsuitable from the off (and in my case they all are) that leaves me with a very large number of failed rs to my name and constantly having only one choice put up or walk. whereas most of my female friends don't seem to have to do this. They don't have strings of past rs. They seem to hit lucky more than not. How are they managing to weed out the frogs without kissing them and/or why do the good men that they choose/who choose them avoid me? Or are they somehow managing to get men, who if in an rs with me would treat me badly, to treat them better?

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 09:31

On current situation part of me just wants to call him and say wtf?!? Part of me wants to leave it and hope he will come back with a really good reason and bend over backwards and the remainder just wants to hide under the duvet and cry for fear of the answer I would get. (Part 3 is winning)

Thing is I suspect he does have some pretty good reason e.g. pet death, family crisis, illness to deal with. There has been a lot going on. But that still does not explain no communication at all. Unless his jaw is wired, his fingers broken and his phone lost. But otoh if something has happened I don't want to steam in there shouting the odds about my needs and making a bad day even worse iyswim.

But not knowing is doing my head in.

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 09:34

And I totally fear being passive aggressive. Everything I have thought of to say seems totally P A.

OP posts:
saltnpepa · 21/09/2014 09:55

What is your relationship like with your father? Are you repeating unresolved stuff from childhood?

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MajesticWhine · 21/09/2014 09:58

Don't contact him. You've already contacted him and he has demonstrated his lack of interest by not even texting a reply.
Do you know much about attachment styles and how they impact on adult relationships? There is lots of stuff out there to read about this, but this article is a starting point. It might make sense why this pattern keeps repeating. It sounds like possibly you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style and you are repeatedly attracted to partners with an avoidant style. People get stuck like this because it repeats a childhood pattern and the chosen partner fits the model and confirms our beliefs about relationships.

NickiFury · 21/09/2014 10:03

I would phone him and have it out with him. You have rights and needs within this relationship and should request for them to be met. If you don't it's not about playing it cool, it's about letting yourself be ignored and that will suit him just fine, not to have the awkward conversation. Call him on it.

justiceofthePeas · 21/09/2014 10:15

Relationship with my dad was 1970s style strict but good and these days is excellent.

Tbh one of my worries now is my mum finding out and saying 'told you so' or 'what, again?' Or words to that effect.

Thing is they never start off avoidant.
They start off the way most rs do I presume. Keen but not suffocating.

this one had said on a few occasions in the past few months, since his own life got more complicated, that he felt like he was neglecting me a bit and he was sorry. I did not disagree that he was neglecting me a bit but said that I could see he had a lot on and was literally exhausted a lot of the time but as long as i knew if he had more time he would have spent some of it with me if he could. There was one other day, when he was v sick he did not get in touch and I basically said it had upset me a bit and in future just send a text saying "I am sick". I gave him an out saying if his life was complicated enough I did not want to make it worse but he made all the right noises.

If he had said, look justice, I really do have too much on for this rs to work just now then I could maybe have seen that coming but to just go silent seems so out of character. One thing he never struck me as was a coward.Sad

And a lot of the previous 4 monthers I finished with them because it just became clear it would not work...but they still count in the litany of failed rs.

Part of me thinks I will never find the cause of this without a post mortem and that the least I am owed is some kind of explanation even if it is just a pathetic excuse.

OP posts:
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