Hurt by old friend again

[something2say]

Hiya, just need a hand hold and to talk a while...

Moved to where I live seven years ago. For about five was friends with a neighbour. She had an alcohol problem. We used to have good fun tho, round at my place singing songs and having parties. Not great looking back but there were also a lot of day to day get togethers. I liked having a close girlfriend. We had fun. We dressed up and cooked. We spent time with her children, I took them out once. It was so nice to have a neighbour to pop round to.

Trouble was mixed in tho. We are very different people. I barely drink for a start. I also work. But we had a bad background in common. I get people who are like that, because I was too.

However my neighbour would upset me at times. Banging on the door asking for favours all the time. When I got sick of doing them and said no, she would then reject me, then come back a few weeks later. I began to feel that she was not a good quality of friend. Several times we went round this pattern. It began to not be the same when we would make up. She would say horrible things to me to deliberately hurt me and I could never understand this. She said that she was spiteful at times.

The last end came when I got a boyfriend. I wanted to stay at extra night at his and asked her to feed my cat. She didn't get back to me. My lack of trust made me suspect she was deliberately not getting back to spoil my good time. My new boyfriend said, how come you have a friend that you don't trust? The friendship ended the and she write mean things about me in Facebook. I thought about my judgment because again, I don't do things like that. It's deliberately there to hurt someone, when you post on Facebook.

It's now been about two years. She made one attempts and I didn't want to re start it so sad no, but of course I wish her well etc. as time went on I realised I missed her. I missed the random nights we'd have dancing in my flat and talking, and looking at youtubes and catching up. We used to have fun and I miss having a close friend. She was my last one.

Anyway last week I got a random email saying she thought I'd like to know that she has kicked her demons. Had a spell in hospital due to drinking and has not drunk ever since. She said she wanted me to know because I was one of the few who believed she could and would do it one day, which I did. I was delighted to hear this news. We agreed to meet up, she asked if we could as she wanted to share the journey.

We arranged my Sunday, before my holiday and actually my birthday. And she didn't get back to me on the day!!! Nothing nothing nothing, so I wrote saying was she still thinking of coming, and she hasn't even read the face book message or made contact!!! I have been had again by this woman. I am so upset. People told me not to make the arrangement but I wanted to hear what had happened and also she was dear to me. I don't care whether other people get that, because she was an alcoholic. I know that she was good to me at times and I was good to her and we spent a lot of time together. Anyway I feel like such a fool and so hurt. What changed for her? Did she say, nah that was too easy, I don't want to go back there now she agreed to meet again so easily. My boyfriend says it is how alcoholics behave. But there must have been a thought process in there. Did she want to deliberately hurt me? What do people think? I guess also a part of me likes having friends who understand what a bad childhood is like. My other girlfriends don't understand how that can change ones whole perspective on life. I like having someone who understands. I am so hurt. I thought we would meet, chat and then go back our separate ways. Is this wrong of me do you think, selfish of me and hurtful towards her?

[minniemagoo]

I think you are assuming her standing you up is to do with you when it is much more likely to be to do with her demons. As an alcoholic it could be any number of reasons, she could have fallen off the wagon [likely if she hasn't even checked her fb], she could have decided seeing someone from her past would be too much to face right now.

[Annarose2014]

She's fallen right back off the wagon again, I'd say.

But I do think you're better off without, as she was getting to be pretty cruel to you. Alcoholics can get mean.

And whilst you may have liked having a friend who understood your past childhood, it seems that the two of you have dealt with it in vastly different ways. You have evolved far beyond youe childhood - you have a job, you don't drink much, and you have a relationship. She on the other hand is sadly not able to stop repeating very unhealthy behaviours.

I think that its natural to want to talk and even joke about a bad childhood. But I think it may be rather unhealthy to need a (rather damaged) friend who'll join in with that. Thats what counsellors are for, tbh. And I suspect that if you got a counsellor you could talk to freely, you may find you miss this person less.

[something2say]

Hiya, thanks for the replies. I'll think about the points you have both raised.

I don't understand addiction from an insiders point of view.

I do hope she hasn't fallen off tho. I doubt she has. I think it's more likely she doesn't want to go back.

I must also think about my judgment tho. You are right in saying that we dealt with it in different ways. But I still think fondly of her. We had fun and although she didn't turn out to be a good friend, I still had a good time when it was good, it's just that it was bad too.

I don't think I will open myself up to anything else with this friend though. She let me down all the time. I don't like feeling like this.

[sonjadog]

I also think she may have started drinking again or have some other issue related to her acoholism raise its head. I doubt it had anything to do with you really. But you don't have to put up with her behaviour and someone who treats you like she has done is not someone you need to have in your life. I'd give up on this friendship if I were you and move on.

[RelationsAkin]

I have a 'friend' like this - her issue is not alcohol, but she has been nasty and malicious for no reason in the past. I liked having a friend too, but this latest episode has made me realise she is not a friend, and even though her horribleness towards me has her difficult past at its heart, thats not my fault and I want nothing to do with her.

Our paths will no doubt cross at some stage, but I will just be civil towards and her and continue with my life which will never again involve her.

Its her, not you. You don't need this person in your life. Don't crave updates or explanations; she will bring you no joy.

[something2say]

I won't. Shame though isn't it. I expect I should have said no at the beginning. It has been two years, more than that actually. It was a bit out of the blue. It's just that I felt that getting sober was such a massive deal and she would probably like someone to talk to about it. Well that bit me in the arse didn't it! It's a lesson learned. I try not to judge people but maybe we have to.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. Thanks for the chat x feel better now x will chalk it up to experience and get back to normal.