How would you feel if someone didn't really "understand" the whole thing about your toxic parents?

[rainbowchair]

Talking with someone who knows I have had counselling and no longer have contact with my toxic parents. (I wrote recently about my mum blaming my genes for the "way I am" i.e. not putting up with her crap anymore). My mum was always very passive aggressive whereas my dad was very aggressive, a bully, always shouting and screaming etc. He once through my mum to the ground and she said afterwards she thought he was going to kill her.

Anyway, this person I was chatting to started going on about how counselling causes more problems then it solves, makes people see trauma where there wasn't any and is generally really bad. He said that people go to counselling end up not speaking to their parents anymore because they "didn't buy them that piece of cheese they wanted when they were 5". He said to me that I had gone NC with my parents only after counselling. He has previously said that he thinks I should just let bygones be bygones and ring my parents up and bury the hatchet.

I took quite a lot of offence to this and took it all very personally. He started to backtrack saying this was his view of counselling generally because he has lots of friends who have been fucked up by it. I'm thinking I don't really want this person as my friend anymore as I feel like they don't get it, or me, and like they don't respect my decision. My parents have gaslighted me my whole life and I don't like the feeling of someone not believing me etc.

I suppose this is a bit of an AIBU. I was interested to see other people's take on this.

[quirkycutekitch]

He's an arse - he will loose many friends!

[Hatespiders]

What a dismissive and chilly viewpoint he has! He's way out of date too, because counselling and therapy are well-known to be very effective (if not essential) in helping people such as you (and myself) to heal and process past abuse. I wouldn't want a 'friend' like this. His views are ignorant and uninformed. I'm sure your past abuse didn't just involve 'not being bought a piece of cheese'. It's actually very dangerous to dismiss and belittle the experiences of abused people. Just recently we've all seen the consequences of that on the News. Get rid of him pronto is my advice.

[ihatethecold]

Dreadful friend.
I would be tempted to go NC with him.

[madamemuddle]

If you chose to have counselling and not speak to your Mum that is your choice.

Good friends support and don't judge. Doesn't sound like he is one, does it?

I do understand though because I am in the process of dealing with some 'friends' of my own.

[Ticklemonster897]

It sounds to me like your friend is lacking in empathy for people generally and can't see beyond his own averagely normal childhood, resulting in a very narrow mind.

Thinking about things in a wider context. Is he empathic when people are ill? Or depressed? Or made redundant? Or face the death of a relative? Because if he's not empathic generally he may just be stunted emotionally in someway.

[4boysxhappy]

Afraid in a way he is right because therapy is not always that helpful and counsellng is not always done by the right person. Luck of the draw weather yours works for you.

I only have email contact with my mother (one every a month or less some times) and a lot of people find this horrid. However they would have to walk in my shoes and have my past to understand why.

Never expect people to understand you but be pleased if they do. Brush off the comments as only people that don't have lovely parents will understand.

In a way I would be happy for a friend not to get it because it means they come from a nice family and I would never wish a mother like mine on anyone.

[Ticklemonster897]

Also he's seeing going NC as a negative outcome when in fact it's a positive outcome for you (and many others). It is best for people to things go with parents for their own sanity and both going NC and burying the hatchet are both good options often. Obviously though the more abusive the family history, the harder it is to bury the hatchet.

Secondly he obviously has no idea of what it's like to have bullies as parents. It's ok for him to tell you to bury the hatchet

[InTheNorth123]

He sounds delightful. What did you say back to him? My (fairly limited) understanding of counselling is that it helps people to face up to what happened and provides them with the tools to 'cope' with it. So not 'seeing trauma where there is none' but realising the extent of that trauma and the damage it had on you. Kind of bringing things, that were already there, to the surface.

As somebody else said, I'd be tempted to cut him out as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

People like this man would never understand anyway and his own views of counselling are completely off the charts. I'd be wondering whether I would want this person as a friend any longer; infact I would not have him as a friend any more. He seems more like a frenemy than a friend.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why do you need approval to not be friends with this person?

[MrsWones]

Please ignore his comments about your situation and coundelling. He is entitled to his opinion, however I read your post about your parents and their treatment of you and I personally think you took the right path. It was a brave step to take.
He should learn not to judge until he has lived your experiences.
If your decisions are right for you then they are right.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

I've come across this too. These people lack not only empathy but imagination and are unable to comprehend that others' lived experience may not mirror their own. I would invest a whole lot less in this friendship and probably just let it slide. People that have imagination and empathy will be much better for you - focus on those friendships...

[Ticklemonster897]

Do concentrate on the people who are supportive and really care about you.

A friend can hold a different view point and still care deeply about a person but this mans different view point stems from a lack of empathy - which rings alarm bells!!

[ShadowsShadowsEverywhere]

Hah he sounds like my mother .... Who I am NC with . She believes counselling manipulates your mind and makes you dislike people that you lidl previously! Don't be friends with this person OP, he's a twat.

[EverythingCounts]

That's very dismissive on his part of a lot of people's pain and hurt. Is he generally a 'pull yourself together' type? I wonder if someone close to him has done something he didn't like (eg left a relationship, maybe with him) after counselling so it's convenient for him to see it this way.

If, IF, he is in all other ways a good friend, I would tell him your views are very different on this and you don't want to discuss it again. If he isn't actually that good a friend, or can't respect your own experience, then ditch.

[ShadowsShadowsEverywhere]

*liked previously.

[EverythingCounts]

I also wonder if he finds the whole NC thing incomprehensible (not necessarily for good reasons; maybe his parents demand a lot of attention) so again there has to be some evil outside force behind that. Very blinkered. We have had to go NC with FIL and I totally get it - there comes a point where it's just too damaging for you to go on any more.

[Meerka]

There are times when bad counselling can fuck things up specially with a poorly trained or frankly incompetent counsellor. I can see his point of view in some cases.

But it's helped far more people than it's hurt and is mostly a very postive tool for people to help themselves. It can be literally lifesaving in a few cases.

The people I've come across who don't like it tend to either be blissfully blind to anything other than their own circumstances. The other sort of people who don't like it are the ones whose girlfriend / boyfriend has left them after going into counselling becuase they've been unhappy in the relationship. Funny that.

Either way in your case, your parents sounded toxic and you were well justified. It was very insensitive of him. In your shoes I'd be feelign very judged over a matter that he knows nothign about and would be distancing myself too.

[AlleyCat11]

Lose the friend. He just doesn't understand. You don't have to experience something yourself in order to show empathy. I come from a loving family, but have a friend with toxic parents. The damage done to him was so awful, it's hard to believe when you have never been through it. But it happened. Your friend can't deny you that fact.

[Viviennemary]

There is simply no point in giving another thought to what this person has said. If the counselling has helped you that's enough. I agree with cutting contact at least for the time being. He isn't helpinging you in any way.

[something2say]

This is denial and minimisation. Some people don't understand and this one isn't even trying, I completely agree with your viewpoint.

I also think that counselling opens doors that have been closed, and out tumble skeletons, and then life changes because the skeletons are out there. Some people think that the upset is caused by the skeleton being out of the closet, where I believe that the skeleton itself is the issue, and it does need to be out there and seen and acted upon.

[startinoveronmyway]

Sorry to say, he is not your friend. I am also NC with my parents, for very good reasons. Cue lots of counselling for me to try to have 'normal interpersonal relationships'.

It's ok perhaps for him to not 'get' why counselling helps some people (esp if he's never gone himself), it quite another to be so judgmental to others for needing it.

Also, no one on this earth could ever understand the devastating effects of toxic parents on their children, unless they have experienced it themselves. It's absolutely awful and going NC is a big deal and not one we take lightly.

You shouldn't have to justify your decision to him; he should respect that even if he doesn't agree, much like anything else we might not like about how other people live their lives.

Distance yourself from him if you can. You don't need even more stress and judging in your life, you know what that feels like already.

[perfectstorm]

In fairness some counsellors are appalling and do encourage a victim outlook. But sadly an awful lot of people are deeply unpleasant and/or fucked up, and nobody sterilises them.

Often wonder if people with those views realise that Fred and Rosemary West didn't kill all their daughters, and if they think Elisabeth Fritzl should just let bygones be bygones? If not, then they need to accept that there's a spectrum in parenting and families, and if they are lucky enough to fall, through sheer fluke, at the positive end then they should appreciate that instead of judging those who don't, and assuming they have to be mistaken or lying about their lives.

There's another possibility, though. My own mother has found that often, the most judgemental people over her going NC with her (appallingly toxic) mother are those friends whose own parents are as bad. There's apparently an attitude that you just have to get on with it - translation, in her view: I had to and still do have to so why can't you?

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

[springydaffs]

Well, maybe this is your first experience of talking to someone who doesn't get it - which is the majority imo. The majority don't get it. And, really, that's a good thing, that most people know nothing about this type of horror.

Best to stick with sharing with those who do know what this is all about. He may, or may not, have been 'lacking in empathy; or he may have been crashing around in ignorance. You say he pulled back when you got upset - that's a good sign that he does in fact have empathy but is, essentially, talking out of his arse.

I'm not suggesting you necessarily carry on with this relationship - you be the judge of that - but I am saying to be wary of who you share with. It's precious stuff, keep it close.