Brother steals money from us and I don't know what to do any more.

[anxious87]

Have name changed for this.

My younger brother is 23 and autistic. He lives with my parents, who care for him full time. He does not work due to his autism as he has extreme behaviour episodes and anxiety. However, he is quite clever underneath this and knows right from wrong and can be very manipulative at times.

Over the past few years, he has developed an obsession with technology and video games. On 4 separate occasions, he has either hacked into mine/my parents' Amazon account to order hundreds of pounds worth of games/consoles. When the passwords were changed, he then set up his own Amazon account and stole my father's debit card details to order more.

My DM has explained away all of these and has even let him keep most of the things he has ordered through stealing our money. She doesn't see him as responsible for anything because of his special needs but I see it as stealing and I know he understands that. I understand autism and the traits associated with it but I don't think it's an excuse. He is with-it enough to get what he wants, to steal bank details and order things, and he knows enough to hide it. He knows he's done wrong but he lacks the empathy to stop doing it.

Today my father logged on to his email to find an email from a seller asking for our full address so he can 'post the laptop.' Logged on to amazon using the log in details in the email to find my brother has signed up for yet another amazon account and has given my dad's email address and paypal details. It has caused a lot of upset for him and he is trying to cancel this order. My DM is insistent that nobody should say anything to my brother because he will get aggressive and violent if he thinks he's been found out.

I am furious about this. Despite his autism, he knows this is unacceptable and I am sick of him stealing from people who have worked hard to support him and don't have a lot anyway. It's getting to the point where my parents are having to lock away their cards and money in case he steals from them. I hate how it's brushed under the carpet all the time and DM will literally blame everyone but him. For example, she's now saying its my dad's fault for leaving his email account logged in! I want her to give him a shock - call the police or something - so that he will never do it again because there is never a consequence so he just carries on.

I don't know what to do. I just feel so upset that my own brother is stealing from my family and nobody will do anything about it.

[PedantMarina]

So sorry to hear about this, but agree: special needs does not equate opting out of social norms (at very least, legality). Your DM is wrong. Your DB needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Don't know what else to say. Hopefully there will be better minds along soon.

[perfectstorm]

I honestly do sympathise. My own brother is on the spectrum and so is my son. But the problem is the autistic spectrum encompasses a huge range, and while my son would never grow up to do this (because I am a hardarse and insist on manners, kindness and morals, and he is fundamentally a really lovely kid who is extremely gentle and kind) my brother as an adolescent did because nobody could cope with him and sometimes it was easier for them to let stuff slide than to insist he cut it out. It's to his massive credit that he turned it all around himself in his 20s, with some proper help (he wasn't diagnosed until later in life).

If your brother has PDA, for example, then in all honesty your mother may well be genuinely scared of him, and it may genuinely be that he can't control himself despite his intelligence. If he's got high functioning autistic spectrum disorder, on the other hand, he may just be a spoilt little shit who was never taught how to regulate himself. But on the other hand, IT sounds like his special interest, so it's an obsession to the point of addiction. And at this stage what you have is a violent adult who cannot emotionally self-regulate, so you need to accept your parents' problem there.

I'd just accept that either he really does have that spiky a profile (as in, he's intelligent in some ways but utterly disabled in others and cannot control himself) or he's just that spoilt, because in neither case can you alter anything. You're his sibling and your mother is not about to alter course. Your best bet is probably to talk to your dad and ask about what the formal diagnosis says, and also to post on Special Needs here to ask mothers with kids on the spectrum what their views are. It may be that calling the police, with your father's support, would shock him out of this (and your mother also needs to realise that she won't be around forever, and other people will not be as forgiving in future and he may well end up in jail) or it may be that he would be as violent as your mother predicts because his autism won't allow him to understand cause and effect properly.

It is really hard. Please don't think I don't get it. My brother was perfectly capable of being a decent person and not a manipulative fucktard, because he is now a decent person and not a manipulative fucktard. But he needed a lot of help to achieve that, and my parents both pretended for a long time that he wasn't as bad as he was and that he wasn't their responsibility, in terms of actually standing up to him. But that's my brother, and I saw that and was able to apply the lessons to my (very similar, unsuprisingly due to genetics) son. Your brother may be very different in how his autism presents. He may genuinely be unable to behave better.

Has your mother ever been on any autism conferences, and if not, might she be interested? She sounds like she needs support, as she's never got past the denial stage herself.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"It's getting to the point where my parents are having to lock away their cards and money in case he steals from them."

To be honest, they should have been past that stage a very long time ago, autism or no autism.

Your mother is obviously in denial but there's not an awful lot you can do about that other than to protect what's yours from him.

[SavoyCabbage]

A solution would be to try and find a job he can do despite his extreme behaviour episodes and anxiety.

Does he have any income to spend now? Can he save up/budget?

[anxious87]

My mum dislikes attending conferences or meetings linked with autism. I don't think she wants to mix with people who talk about it as she struggled to accept the diagnosis initially (when my brother was 2). She regularly says she hates the autism and feels it's robbed her of a child. Which I can understand.

He couldn't work. It's hard to explain but if you knew him you'd understand why. He has no interest in doing anything unless it's enjoyable for him. It's a struggle to get him out if the house for a day out without him kicking off.

He is given a weekly income from his DLA. This money is usually hoarded for weeks then he blows it all on games or old consoles that he buys online. I have tried encouraging my parents to get him to buy useful things like clothes or books but it never works. I feel that he's developed an obsession with money which isn't good.

[SavoyCabbage]

Could it be compared to teaching a child about money? Which I know is hard as that's something I'm trying to do now. Similarly I'm trying to teach dd about how her life can't be all about doing what she wants all the time.

[ArabellaTarantella]

I have tried encouraging my parents to get him to buy useful things like clothes or books but it never works

And it will never work - people with autism become fixated (my son has Aspergers) and encouraging them to do something else just does not work.

I am afraid your parents should long ago have hidden their details and stopped all this from happening. Your mother is clearly in denial/afraid and things will only continue until she comes to terms with your brother's autism.

[oldgrandmama]

That's awful. I suppose all you and your family can do is make sure that EVERYTHING to do with financial and online stuff is secure - as in, changing passwords, log in details, even applying for new credit cards, getting old ones cancelled, so that your brother can't use them and can't access your family's online accounts. But it's awful that you have to do all this - I really feel for you and your family.

[DwellsUndertheSink]

Id also let him have the laptop if its been paid for - but only when he has sold loads of his stuff to pay for it. He is intelligent enough to understand consequences.

[Hatespiders]

I remember the case of the Aspergers man who hacked into the USA security systems. It shows the autism-spectrum can include people with great expertise with technology, which lends itself well to the autistic, logical type of brain.
I wonder if the Police would even entertain a complaint against your brother as in their view he has MH issues? As said above, the only solution is to lock away and safeguard all accounts/cards/pin numbers/passwords etc., and be vigilant about what he's up to.
It sounds as if your mum finds his condition very upsetting and is quite defensive about it. Is there a nearby society or support group for parents of similar young people, where she (and all the family) could get advice and help?
I feel for you as all the focus is on him, and you probably feel frustrated and helpless about the situation. It's always hard for the siblings.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

I really feel for you. I have a sibling and a child with autism. Tbh the issue is as much with your parents as it is with your brother I don't see how you can tackle the stealing if they won't face up to it.

I had a bit of a heated discussion with my own mum recently and in the end rather bluntly pointed out that one day she would die and my brother won't be in the least bit prepared to cope so in the long term her over protectiveness does him no favours. I do understand the need to protect a child with special needs I have to fight myself constantly not to wrap my own son in a protective bubble.