Sexless marriage, porn and pity.

[Rainbowgeorge]

This has been festering inside for a couple of weeks and this morning I woke and just feel devastated.

A bit of history. My marriage has been sexless for ten plus years, probably averageing sex 2-3 times each year but no PIV for many years and he just can't hold an erection.

Last weekend was one of those rare intimate times, and he said he was sorry he doesn't touch me often, and then he said he felt sorry for me. And then admitted he watches porn.

Now each day since I have become more and more angry, I'm so pissed off that he pities me, I don't want to be pitied from anyone but especially the man I married. But it's the porn that has devastated me. I have posted on here before about out lack of intimacy and naively, when asked, said that he didn't watch porn. Ha, how wrong could I be.

It has changed everything about the last ten years, I loved him and actually felt sorry for him and felt if he could do something about the situation then he would, when actually he wasn't making any effort to make this work he was happy watching porn. God I'm so angry with myself.

When he initially told me I said nothing, I don't know why, but I just feel that that was the nail in the coffin for me. I'm so scared of leaving, I'm self employed and earning crap money at the minute, he has always supported us and I don't know how I'll cope. How did I get here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You got here by wanting to believe the best and having faith in someone. Nothing there to berate yourself over. Horrible to be so let down and have it all flung back in your face. Not surprised you're angry and upset.... but put the blame where it properly lies i.e. the person who has been lying to you all this time.

Your immediate concerns for an independent future appear to be mostly financial. It might help you feel a little stronger if you took legal advice and found out what the picture would be in the event of a split.

[HumblePieMonster]

You must be entitled to half the marital assets, so get a good solicitor and start work on getting your rightful share.

He has no right to leave you without sex, its cruel, and he's been happy to do that for ten years.

Could you work if you had to?

[Rainbowgeorge]

Yes I can work, I registered with a few agencies last week. I'm so confused, he seemed so blase about the porn, I guess that is why I didn't initially react, what do I say to him, it's so hard to know if I'm doing the right thing, I still love him. We have DCs although they are young teenagers now, I know they will be devastated. We are/were a happy family and he is a good dad.

I'm just so miserable right now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The sexual rejection and lying about porn's bad enough but it seems to me that the part of the conversation that really struck a nerve was when he said he felt sorry for you. That's what I call a 'bridge-burning statement'.... no going back.

I'd take some time to think about your options - because you do have options. Take legal advice perhaps? Maybe spend some time solo? What you say to him is entirely your decision but I think you need to let the raw shock and disappointment die down a little if you're going to say something meaningful.

[HumblePieMonster]

He's 'sorry for you' (I don't believe it for one minute) so he knows that his refusal to sort out his sexual problems or provide enough physical comfort for you causes you to suffer. And he's ok with that. That's not a man to live with.
If you have teenage children you might be asking him to leave the family home rather than leaving yourself. Go now to the solicitor and get some proper advice.

[Quitelikely]

Has he been watching it for the full ten years or just recently? Was it him who stopped wanting sex all them years ago or both of you?

This may not have to be the end. Did he say he would stop watching it?

[Rainbowgeorge]

He stopped wanting sex, actually it was probably longer than that I was just doing all the bells and whistles before that to keep it alive but sadly it wasn't enough Quitelikely.
Regarding the porn, I honestly don't know how long. I was a bit shell shocked at the revelation from him. I have a feeling it's not a recent thing he seemed to say it as if it was a given all men do. And no he didn't say he would stop. But I didn't ask him to.

I have been doing a bit of reading this morning about how it effects a man's perception of sex and women and it just all seems to fit with him using porn.

[SeptemberBabies]

I'm just so miserable right now

I can understand that. This does not have to be the end of your marriage though. You can talk this through and resolve the issue. My husband and I have done this.

he said he was sorry he doesn't touch me often, and then he said he felt sorry for me. And then admitted he watches porn

Could this just be him not expressing himself very well? He was sorry, you have taken that as pity but there could be more remorse about it than pity?

The porn bit I'll come to.

DH and I had not had an active sex life from when we first met (aged 19 and 23). Personal issues from his own history lead to an inability for him to climax and/or inability to maintain an erection in 90% of the times we were intimate.

All the talking and discussions we had only served to make him feel more of a failure and exasperated the issues.

Fast forward 10 years or so and our sex life was rare (couple of times a year, like yours). We'd stopped talking about it and just accepted it. One time, in tears of frustration, I asked him if he masturbated (because I worried he was just asexual).

He said he did, a lot. I was devastated ("what is wrong with me?"). Only a couple of days later I started snooping on our PC history and discovered he was using porn.

Initially when I confronted the issue he did not understand the severity of my upset, or the reasons. He thought it was a good thing - that at least he did have sexual feelings, which is what I'd first sought reassurance on, so we had something to work with.

Much talking, crying, shouting and upset later (over the course of several weeks), we got to the crux of the issue and actually dealt with the sexual issues head on for the first time ever.

Physically, DH had gradually become less sensitised when masturbating. He had to squeeze harder (if you've ever heard of the death grip). This meant that he got no stimulation from real sex and real intimacy with me. Likewise, he had started needing more and more stimulation when masturbating to be satisfied, so started using (I must admit it was mild and very mainstream) porn in order to feel aroused.

We have overcome this though. The above all happened 7 years ago. We now have a healthy twice a week (give or take) fulfilling sex life and a very happy relationship.

Quite simply I explained that our real life sex life could never develop unless he changed his alone-time activities. So he had a choice, carry on with his sad wanks (excuse my language) or decide to stop in order to rediscover his penile sensitivity.

It took a while and was very sexually frustrating for him. He couldn't come without his death grip and often just wanted to finish off for the relief. But he didn't. We persevered and over time his sensitivity returned. In turn our sex life returned - in a much better state than it had ever been throughout our almost 20 year relationship.

So there is no need to live in a sexless marriage. But being in one, with porn or otherwise involved, does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

A heart-to-heart and mutual support can result in a turn-around.

[warysara]

Why has the porn devastated you? Is it so horrific? Have you asked him what he gets out of it?

I understand that you are associating it with a lack of intimacy, but the two do not have to be related. Perhaps he can see a doctor (Viagra) and a councillor to get to the root of the problem.

[KoalaKoo]

You can get viagra from a proper online uk pharmacy with hsving a face to face gp appointment. So your dh can try viagra to see if it solves the problem without any embatassment.
However I think that desensitisation to real sex due to porn is a very possible cause.

[SeptemberBabies]

I think that desensitisation to real sex due to porn is a very possible cause

I'd add "porn... and masturbation...", but YY.

The only way to deal with this would be his agreement to go cold turkey. Combined with your support as he goes through that frustration (don't underestimate how difficult it will be for him).

[Rainbowgeorge]

Thanksyou Septemberbabies you post has given some hope and somewhere to start the conversation.
warysara do you live in a sexless marriage? Would you be happy lying in bed alone while your DP/DH bangs one out in the downstaris loo over a computer screen?
And viagra doesn't solve anything unless I spike his drink, It's not the lack of performance that is the main issue he doesn't want to have sex so I'm guessing with an erection he would go for more porn.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

It seems you're not alone. I've seen a few other posters post with similar issues only this week.

I couldn't be arsed with a man like this. I'd go to a solicitor and get wheels in motion if I were you. Perhaps then he will know you are serious and step-up.
I would think it would be too little and too late now.

[Twotallladies]

OP, I'm a wee bit confused. In your original post you say he just can't hold an erection. That's different from he doesn't want sex. ED can be really devestating for a man. I understand your concerns, but is it possible that it's the only way (porn) that he can get relief?

[Rainbowgeorge]

I guess I'm not explaining myself well, we have had infrequent sex, two or three times a year, for the last ten years as he said he didn't have a high sex drive.

Only the last two years on the two occasions we have tried he hasn't been able to hold an erection. The not wanting sex came very much before the can't. Sorry if I sound bitter and unsympathetic but that's because I am.

[Rainbowgeorge]

dog lol ?????

[SeptemberBabies]

The post by DogLover1981 appears to be unnecessarily harsh for someone seeking support. I suspect it is written to be deliberately goading, in order to get a reaction.

[Lucylloyd13]

Maybe he was watching porn to try to get himself aroused without the pressure of a partner?

If he has just been wanking himself silly for the past ten years while you haven't been getting any sex, then you are right to feel upset. But has it really been like that?

[arsenaltilidie]

Before jumping the gun, first sort out the porn/erection issue.
They are probably linked, too much porn, weaker erection, pressure to perform, even weaker erection, you feeling rejected, etc.

He needs to stop porn.

[Darkesteyes]

Rainbow im in a sexless marriage and have been for 18 years. For the first 10 years DH didnt want sex .......for the last 8 he cant due to health problems.

Pre the health problems even me losing ten stone (yes thats right Dog Lover TEN stone....he still wasnt interested and i had a long term affair with a work colleaugue for 4 and a half years from 2003 to 2008. My DH doesnt even hold my hand and hasnt since around 1996. In 2010 he told me to do what i need to do but please be discreet about it. I am about to embark on my second affair.

Dog it is NOTHING to do with looks and your post is incredibly mysogynistic. I gained back 3 stone due to comfort eating in 2008 for a couple of years after the first affair ended. Ive lost that weight in the last 13 months. And now have met someone. It was lovely when he held my hand.
I heard a saying that if we dont learn from history it is doomed to repeat itself.

No porn involved in DHs case. he is completely asexual.

[Darkesteyes]

Agree that he needs to stop the porn. He has become desensitised to sex.

I know how you feel OP about being unsympathetic because the not wanting it came way before the cant.

And saying he feels sorry for you? How bloody patronising.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Before jumping the gun, first sort out the porn/erection issue.

Jumping the gun? Ten years without a sex-life while he's been pretending he's got a low sex-drive. My God. It's unbelievable that people would advice someone to stick around for more of this treatment.

Really Op, he 'feels sorry for you' but he didn't at one point during the last 10 years think about doing something about it? He's a shit and selfish partner.

[Darkesteyes]

Agree with John Farley.