Partner, porn and escorts

[alongcamespiders]

Hi this seems to be a common issue, I have been seeing my 'partner' for 8 months. We were friends a long time before that and he knew that one of the reasons me and ex h split was because of h's porn habit and lack of interest in me. So new partner says he used to use porn but doesn't anymore.
Something's didn't seem right and one day when he'd left himself logged on I had a snoop , of which I am not proud.
Anyway...I found that he is a frequent porn user. Nothing particularly alarming in it and our sex life is excellent. So I was annoyed about the lie but could live with it but then I delved deeper (curiosity killed the cat) and I found regular searches for local escorts, one in particular was frequently searched for by named and some were very near to his house.
We have split a couple of times after some arguments and during those periods there were lots of escort searches, and to be fair I haven't seen any during the time we were a couple.
My issue is, do I tell him I snooped and tell him how I feel about this and see what he says about it, eg was it just fantasy searches or was he having sex with them? My instinct tells me he was having sex with them, particularly the one he searches for most frequently.
I could just tell him I'm not ready for a relationship and I want to concentrate on my kids and let him have his 'dignity' I'm really upset but have a lot on my plate elsewhere at the moment and don't need another relationship with a porn loser sex addict. I feel like such a dick, loads of the porn he's searched for mirrors exactly what he suggests for us in the bedroom, I love it all especially after the drought that was my marriage and he is uber romantic and thoughtful but to me it seems he's hiding a huge secret and I feel that I should have the right to choose who I spend my time with and am I unreasonable I wanting to know about his proclivities or am I being a complete thought police and need to wind my neck in?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've already split a couple of times, if he's lied to you about his porn use and if you've got the evidence of your own eyes that he's in the market for hookers, I really wouldn't worry about his dignity. Say whatever feels right for you.

[WowserBowser]

Yack. Tell him what you've found as get rid.

He probably say it was a fantasy but bollocks!

You deserve better.

[Vivacia]

So when you're on a break he pays for it, and when the relationship is on, he gets it for free?

[Annarose2014]

I'd end it. Its great that you've had some great sex with him, but of course he uses those escorts when there's no one else around. Of course he does!

And to be honest, a couple of splits in an 8 month period doesn't bode well anyway. Its too short a time for drama and bickering.

[Twinklestein]

I wouldn't let him have his dignity I'd just say eeeurrgh.

Fantasy my arse btw.

[kaykayblue]

Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

Why are you worried about his "dignity"? He sure as hell isn't worrying about yours.

[LadyLuck10]

Don't be concerned about his dignity he doesn't deserve that kind of respect from you.
Please leave, only a vile, filth pig would go down the route of escorts. Tells what type of man he is.

[minkah]

Do what feels best for you. If you want to say 'I'm disapointed in you. My instinct led me to check up on you, and my instinct led me right, cos now I know the truth about you that you hid" then say it.

Put yourself first.

If you don't want to say it, then don't.

I'm sorry to hear it turned out kind of crap.
X

[alongcamespiders]

Thanks guys, I guess I just don't want to deal with a scene, he turned out to be very different from who I thought he was, I wasn't sure if I was over reacting, I have been gas lighted a long time by my ex and now by him, it's very depressing but also a nasty shock, I can't believe someone I thought was so decent and sensitive could have so many hidden layers lots of people joked about out of the frying pan into the fire and now I feel I have truly landed in the fire I have been by vulnerable with illness and family member terminally ill and I feel a huge sense of foolishness, I have been telling people how amazing our relationship is although after the two breakups I don't think anybody in my family/friends group is really that keen on him anymore. I don't know how to start the conversation, I don't want to listen to lies and am a bit wary of his spiteful temper.

[alongcamespiders]

Ugh why is he so revolting? Viva is you're right, it now feels like I'm just an unpaid prosititute.

[Meerka]

What about just "Im not sure this is working, I think we should call it a day".

You don't have to give an explanation. You don't owe it to him, not to a liar and spiteful man.

He doesn't live with you does he?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Get rid, love. You deserve better

[minkah]

If he has a spiteful temper, save yourself from it and extricate yourself as easily as possible.

You don't need to deal with his spite on top of everything else.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Meerka is right... 'it's not working for me' is all the explanation you need give him. As for friends and family, you're quite entitled to say 'he turned out to be a sleazeball'. If they're not that keen, they won't be shocked and they shouldn't be judgemental.

[alongcamespiders]

No he doesn't live with me. I'm so miserable, to think I have been such a mug. I think I must have something wrong with me to keep attracting the same kind of sleaze ball. He is so well liked and respected outside of my immediate group of friends. I thought at first that what he does in his own time and in his past outside our relationship is 'ok' and just his own business but my gut tells me it's worse than that and if we stayed together I would always be wondering what he's up to, where and with whom.

[Vivacia]

Sorry

Go with this, I'm not sure this is working, I think we should call it a day

It worked for you before, it's not now.

[alongcamespiders]

Minkah you're right, there is nothing to gain from feeling the full force of his temper, he has a clever way with words at firing right into my Achilles heel, I will have to really bite my tongue to stop myself confronting him with this, I thank god for technology helping me to find this out but sometimes I just feel that I would be better off living in blissful ignorance.
I have seen pictures of what appears to be his most utilised sex worker and the thought of him being with her , slim, beautiful, toned and then coming back to me, middle aged, mum tum, flab. And barely groomed is absolutely heartbreaking, not even touching on the moral and ethical concerns.

[minkah]

Alongcamespiders, don't go down that path of attacking yourself. Seriously.

Look at the first sentence of your OP. You were right. Zeitgeist.

People are very confused about sex and make bad decisions. You have just been with one of those people.

That's all.

[alongcamespiders]

Thanks Minkah, zeitgeist indeed, it's so sad for us women left reeling and also sad for the men in some way that they are so driven by their sexual needs that they fuck everything else off to pleasure themselves and of course it's horrible to think of some of the kinds of women who are being used like this for money. I know so many say that they are in control and happy with their job but I can't believe it really. I just feel so fucking I don't know, gutted, shocked, heartbroken, sorry I'm just venting now but I don't know how to tell anyone in real life without looking a complete fool.

[minkah]

Above post by me was written in response to you calling yourself a mug, attracting a sleazeball.

Now I see you attacking your body for not being that of an escort worker.

You were offering yourself, in relationship, heart, body, mind, for real contact. That's genuinely of value.

Being slim and toned and getting paid for it, is in no way comparable to what you were offering, which was authenticity!

[WowserBowser]

I agree, please don't put yourself down.

He is the absolute rotter here. You can move on and find someone good for you.

He'll always be a creepy twat.

[minkah]

Vent all you like.
I doubt there is any real pleasure to be had with a paid escort.

Just titillation and an empty wallet. Sad stuff.

[abbykins3]

Just enjoy the relationship for what it is.Good sex.

[alongcamespiders]

I can't believe I am jealous of someone who has sex for money. I had this instinct that he might be a sex addict, I am good at attracting them but getting better at spotting the. Instinct is so powerful, I've had the chance to snoop on him very early in the relationship but resisted the urge as I wanted to be respectful and not repeat previous negative behaviours from my marriage. I wish I'd looked then but at least now I have a better idea of what expect from him if I confront him. What a to-do!

[minkah]

Numbing out won't do OP any favours. Self brutalisation.