Do you treat someone the same way that they treat you?

[educatingcats]

I have often heard people say in the past that they treat people however that person treats them. I have never done this, as I try to be decent and kind to everyone, however much as I hate the phrase I think I am in danger of being "too nice", and I need to start treating people as they treat me. Does anyone else do this?

I don't mean that I want to fall out with people, or be horrible in any way, just to stop being quite so considerate and nice to friends that aren't as considerate towards me (but are to other people). People who repeatedly ignore my supportive replies on their facebook statuses. People whose childrens' birthdays I always remember and acknowledge but who never reciprocate. Friends that I drop things for and repeatedly do favours for but who don't really seem to value me.

I am thinking of maybe keeping myself to myself more, not being so available and open and friendly, and making people make a bit of effort for me.

Do any of you treat people in the way in which they treat you? How do you go about it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think I usually start out with the assumption that people are reasonable and decent, treat them accordingly, and adjust if they turn out to be otherwise. Don't think I'd actively be horrible to someone in a childish tit-for-tat way. I'm perfectly capable of being civil even if I don't like someone. :) I'd just quietly step back, be more unavailable, not go out of my way to do them a favour etc.

[educatingcats]

You've hit the nail on the head Cogito; that's exactly what I meant. Just sort of make people work a bit harder if they want me to be their friend, but in a subtle way.

For example I have one friend that repeatedly cancels on me (after initially suggesting herself that we meet up) with fairly lame reasons, and I then end up meeting up with her whenever she decides she can make it. I was thinking of maybe being a bit more unavailable to her and make her work a bit harder to meet up with me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You can't make people work harder. It's not up to you to set tests for them to pass or fail. You certainly can't make them change behaviour if you rely on passive aggressive methods. Simply be true to yourself, do what makes you happy and avoid the things that make you unhappy. If you're happy being spontaneous & don't mind being the last minute meet-up friend, it's no big deal. If you don't like being messed about and let down, either distance yourself, say nothing and leave it all hanging in the air.... or speak up and articulate your feelings. 'It's not convenient for me to change... you realise I can't just drop everything?... I'm annoyed that you've cancelled again'

[educatingcats]

I was meaning I'd do the sorts of things that you said in your first reply you'd do, Cogito; things like quietly stepping back and being a bit more unavailable. With that particular friend, she will cancel on the day and they say "are you free tomorrow?" and I'll then just go along with it. I was going to stop being so easy going about it all, and just be a bit more busy and unavailable so that she has to either meet me on the day we've agreed, or not meet up with me at all that week/month because I'm busy. Hope that makes sense! :-)

I find that I'm nice to people, and am considerate, and am probably too considerate because I don't always gets that level of consideration back. Another example is if I am chatting to someone at the school gate, and another friend comes along, I will welcome the other person into the conversation, whilst very few will do that to me and will make it clear that they are talking and I'm not welcome. I was thinking perhaps if I am a bit less considerate to others and put myself first more (ie I was chatting to X first so will have to catch up with Y later) then maybe that might be better.

[madamemuddle]

I could have written your post!

Over the last few months I've just stopped trying so hard. Not sure anyone has noticed but I feel much better for it. I don't send Birthday or Christmas cards to 'new' friends anymore either. I don't think most people actually care either.

[madamemuddle]

Yes, definitely start putting yourself first. This is what most people seem to do.

[educatingcats]

madamemuddle I'm so glad I'm not alone in how I feel!

Do/did you find that you end up listening to peoples' problems all the time too? I have a friend who just wants to talk at me all the time about herself, so I was thinking of backing off a little with her too, and being a little less available.

[educatingcats]

People who put themselves first just seem to thrive don't they? Some of the most confident, popular people that I know put themselves on a pedestal and think the world revolves around them, and would never dream of showing anyone any consideration. I wouldn't want to be like this because it isn't in my nature and I am not ruthless enough but it just shows that people respect inconsiderate people far more.

[madamemuddle]

Yes totally. I'm always told how easy it is to speak to me and how I always say the right thing to make feel people better. I never forget Birthdays or events and always remember to ask how things went for people.

Sadly, over the last year or so, several of the people closest have been really quite mean to me. It's really upset me and I'm not too sure what I've done to deserve it hence the stepping back and putting myself first a bit more.

Another thing that I've stopped is sharing so much information about myself. I'm a bit of an empath/spiritual type and a couple of friends have found this a great opportunity to poke fun at me. I laugh along but it does hurt. I try to accept people for who and what they are but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated!

[rainbowinmyroom]

I start out like Cognito, but if they turn out to be selfish wankers, I minimise them from my life.

[KateeGee]

I've been through similar - I felt like I was doing all the running and being really open to people but they are always quick to ditch me if I am not of use. It's really hurtful.

I stopped doing the running, they haven't made more of an effort but at least I don't feel like a mug so much nowadays. I am still civil, if people talk to me I will talk to them, if they invite me to things I will go if it's convenient for me, but I have stopped bending over backwards and trying to please people. I have learned that it doesn't mean that people will like you, or give you respect back, so it is not worth the effort. You can still maintain your integrity and be a kind and good person, but protect yourself.

I have ended up leading quite a solitary life as a result, but I am gradually becoming ok with this - I try and fill my time with things that are of interest to me, rather than try and fill it with people who are not interested in me.

The only friends who do kind of speak to me in a general chat way also make fun of me. I am the only woman in the conversation and I really think that this is the only reason they pick me as a target. They say openly sexist things to get a rise out of me, they laugh and tell me I am wrong even when I know I am right (about factual stuff that I am more of an expert on than they are), they pass it off as banter but it is quite hurtful. So I take myself out of the conversations. I will still hang out with them occasionally but I am asking myself whether they are really my friends. Have you told your friends that you feel hurt when they make fun of your spiritual interests? If they say they didn't realise and they are sorry, they won't do it again, then I would cut them some slack. If they tell you you are oversensitive and carry on doing it, they are not very friendly friends and maybe you should take a step back. Friends should not hurt your self esteem!

[whattodoforthebest2]

but it just shows that people respect inconsiderate people far more.

I disagree. I think that inconsiderate people try very hard to gather people around them who will agree with them and bolster their egos. That isn't respect. I value friends who are supportive and will consider my feelings as I do theirs. I tend to drift away from people who are self-absorbed.

[educatingcats]

I just feel as though the people that are mainly out for themselves get an abundance of attention, sympathy, and people clamouring to spend time with them and listen to them.

I wouldn't want to be quite like that though, just hoping I can find a balance. I still want to be friends with everyone that I am currently friends with, I just want to take a bit of a step back so that it is not automatically expected that I will be there with a listening ear, or a card, or whatever, and therefore I'm not taken for granted and am appreciated.

[yougotafriend]

If you ever take a Counselling course, one of teh first things you are given is a list of basic human rights. High up on the list is "I have the right to say NO" - that came as news to me at the time.

I feel I am still considerate, never forget birthdays etc. I love that my friends find me a good listener and that they know they have a non-judgmental friend to turn to, but I also know they will listen to me in return. I wouldn't say I wasn't available when I was, to prove a point to a friend who always cancels - if she is a friend I would be looking forward to spending time with her so why cut my nose off to spite my face?

Don't change who you are fundamentally, you sound like a good person.

[educatingcats]

I don't mean that I'd say a blanket 'No' to her, but that I won't be quite so accommodating with her in future. For example she will cancel with about an hour to spare before we are due to meet, then ask if I can make it the following morning instead. I usually say 'yes' and have been really easy going about it, but I will start suggesting alternative days instead that suit me better. 'I can't do tomorrow as I'd rearranged things today so that we could meet today, however I can do next Tuesday'. That kind of thing.

[checkeredpresent]

Isn't this why we choose our friends carefully? Like yougotoafriend says, if I want to help or spend time with someone I care about, secure in the knowledge that they also care about me, then I will do whatever I can for them. If my closest friend were to come across as self-centered or uncaring, I would feel able to ask her about it, as that doesn't sit with what I know about her. I also have friends who are not as close, and whom I would help if I could but it wouldn't necessarily be a case of drop everything at whatever time of day or night. We can only give so much of ourselves to a certain number of people....no need to feel bad about prioritising.

[educatingcats]

I think I need to learn to give less to casual friends and acquaintances.

[madamemuddle]

About eight years ago, I went through a similar thing. I wrote a list of all my friends and decided who I wanted to keep close, who I wanted to keep at arm's length and who needed to go. It worked really well and for a few years I had a really good balance/was very happy. I think I need to do it again!

In terms of your friend who lets you down at the last minute, educatingcats, I would start saying that you can't do tomorrow and will come back to her with some times/dates to rearrange. Leave it a week or so then go back to her. You do teach people how you want them to treat you. If she thinks she can mess you about and you're always happy to rearrange then she'll continue to do it. Must admit, I would get fed up with her myself and would probably stick her in the friends I want to keep at arm's length category!

Far better to have quality friends than quantity!

[Hatespiders]

I'd be inclined to come out with it and say something if I'd been treated disrespectfully by someone. As Cogito says, articulate your feelings. I suppose this all comes into the category of assertiveness. Otherwise you simmer and seethe, which isn't good for you.
I had a fantastic neighbour some years ago who never hesitated to let you know if she was miffed, you were left in no doubt. But we all liked her for it. People said, "At least you know where you are with 'P' " And nobody much messed her about!