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Relationships

New husband wont cook, clean, work

249 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 07:52

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 17/09/2014 07:55

What was he like before you got married?

MissScatterbrain · 17/09/2014 07:55

Why did you marry such a man child? What are you getting out of this relationship?

I would not do any of his chores - cooking, shopping, laundry and only do these for yourself.

Mrsgrumble · 17/09/2014 07:55

Quite honestly he is very, very selfish.

I would prepare something like cottage pie and keep a few in the freezer and bung in the microwave when you get home. Regardless of useless dh, you need something filling and no way would I start cooking at eight o clock. I don't kno what to advise. He sounds like a big useless lump.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/09/2014 07:56

Well if he doesnt care about food then id start picking yourself something up on the way home and cooking it for yourself when you get in. He can look after himself.

It is worrying that this is how married life is beginning for you - did you live together prior to getting married?

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 17/09/2014 07:57

And you married him because ......?

HumblePieMonster · 17/09/2014 07:58

Cut your losses. You've got a would-be cocklodger there.

LadyLuck10 · 17/09/2014 07:58

How did you only find this out now?
And who draws up a contract about chores? Doesn't sound like a good marriage.

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 07:58

Well he has changed a lot since we have been together he used to be a hoarder and when I expressed how I hated all the clutter he sold EVERYTHING on ebay which was hard for him but wanted to in order to be with me.
I am telling you this because this showed me that he would be willing to adapt to life as a married man but his absolute refusal to even listen and do as Ive requested shows me that he is digging his heels in now we're married and Im not going to be sticking around if that's the case.

OP posts:
TheHouseatWhoCorner · 17/09/2014 07:59

Did you live together before marriage?

PenisesAreNotPink · 17/09/2014 08:00

He doesn't have to 'care' about food

He has to eat it or die.

I'm guessing he means he doesn't want 'nice' meals and will just eat junk?

This is where you need to not fall into the trap of wanting nice meals together or you will be preparing food for the next 50 years.

Make one giant pasta name for you - and tell your lazy, good for nothing arse of a husband that it's not his to eat - I'm going to guess he will show you what a manipulative wanker he is by eating it and acting all hurt that you don't 'let' him.

Make your own food, let dick head eat crisps until he grows the fuck up.

ovaryhill · 17/09/2014 08:00

Stamp this out right now, if it was meI I would be eating on the way home and doing no food shopping and I would keep it up as long as it took for him to see the error of his ways

JetsAndSugar · 17/09/2014 08:01

He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

I would eat without him. I would have not food in the house bought by me for him to eat or cook. Even if it meant I had to eat a sandwich from Boots for my dinner every night for a month.

You MUST take a strong stand now.

You are married and split the bills exactly down the middle, even though you only earn £120 a week? You only recently moved in? now I live here

Move out. I call cocklodger.

When you wrote that housework contract, what were the penalties for non-compliance?

Coughle · 17/09/2014 08:02

If he will never cook, is he willing to do all the food shopping and other housework? Or is the idea that you do EVERYTHING?

why has he gone part time? Wouldn't it be more sensible to save the extra money rather than fund his life of laziness??

How long have you been married?

Fairylea · 17/09/2014 08:07

Don't do anything for him. Nothing. No washing. No cooking. You make your own dinner. Don't buy any food for him. He sounds absolutely vile. If he wants to live like a lodger he can do it all his bloody self.

If he refuses to change I think you may have to leave the bastard. I couldn't live like this.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/09/2014 08:07

This marriage sounds like a mistake I'm afraid. That's how he is, you can't change him. You can either put up with it or leave him. He sounds an utter twatbadger.

Ragwort · 17/09/2014 08:07

Didn't you post about him before, I remember something about a horader - apologies if it is not you.

Quite honestly I think you should cut your losses and divorce him, he's not going to improve, why waste your life?

rollonthesummer · 17/09/2014 08:08

Is he planning on being part time forever because he has access to the bank of 'new wife' now? That's awful. There are so many red flags here it looks like a school fete..

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 08:10

But I don't want to live like that (me eating my meals him his)
My last relationship broke down over domestic arrangements and now Im gutted to see that this one is too.
I'm happy in a way to go halves on everything financially but I did bring up that I'm also paying for his daughters food (who stays 3 nights a week) which I don't have to. I told him this because he shouted "you never feed y daughter"
Which was massively untrue I had only just cooked lunch for her on Sunday he immediately apologised and said that he was being out of line. But the point is I dont have to cook for her I just do.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/09/2014 08:12

I learned years ago that you cannot change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own reaction to it. So you either accept this is the way it is (and I do think you must have had some sort of inkling before you committed to marriage, does anyone really change this much overnight?) or you leave.

Sorry if that sounds harsh ........... but your lazy git of a husband is not going to suddenly turn into Mr Perfect Husband.

lunar1 · 17/09/2014 08:13

I was thinking the same ragwort. I would cut your losses, can you imagine how he would be if you have children!

headlesslambrini · 17/09/2014 08:15

draw up a new contract, you cook for yourself, shop for yourself, only wash your own clothes etc.

Refuse to do anything, when he is in the mood then you are too tired having to do everything by yourself.

You could try the above but really it's a bit childish being put in this position. If you want to be with him then accept him this way because unless he wants to change you are going to end up in a never-ending cycle of 'yes darling, of course I will change' which will last for a couple of weeks at best.

I honestly believe that there are only a few times within a person's life when they can change their behaviour and stick to it. One is moving in with someone, one is when a baby comes along and one is when someone dies or the relationship breaks down.

Whatever happens what you want - ie him thinking about you (put a potato in the over for her tea) without being prompted, is probably never going to happen, that's part of his personality which has already been set in stone.

My advice would be to sit down and talk but rather than you saying - I want you to do the washing up etc, try a different approach of getting him to say the words (sorry this bit is hard to explain) but ask him questions - how do you think we should approach this? Can you think of a way around things? Would you be willing to...? This approach should help you to not result in a shouting match. Good Luck.

Zazzles007 · 17/09/2014 08:16

I was going to write something about negotiation, and then realised as others have said - he is a fucking man-child, that you are going to have to take care of. Do you really want a marriage like that? In what age range are you both? Is he psychologically and emotionally immature?

And the more you write about him, the more twattish he sounds Sad.

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Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 08:17

Thanks, I'll go and try it before work headless.

OP posts:
rootypig · 17/09/2014 08:17

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Leave. I'm deadly serious, sorry. This will drive you to the brink of your sanity inside a year, let alone a lifetime.

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 08:17

Im 30 he's 40

OP posts:
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