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Relationships

Took an ex back after 3 months no contact. Now unsure but feel trapped...

19 replies

YoniJaquen · 16/09/2014 21:58

Looong story. A regular but have NC as I think he knows my MN name spend way too much time on here and he's an overtheshoulder reader

We were together 2yrs. I have a DS from a previous relationship, who's 4. We split mostly because I felt he needed to grow up and was making my life as a single mother harder/more work, not better. And I suffer with depression/anxiety 'blips' that crop up every few years or so (badly bullied at school and it just crops up from time to time but I know how to deal with it pretty well by now, and felt I had to cut him out for the sake of my MH by the time we split). It's been 10yrs since the MH issues started (I was 14).

There are obviously great things about him or I wouldn't have bothere/we wouldn't have got back in contact. He's changed a lot of things and is trying very hard but what I didn't expect was that I might feel so differently. I wanted us to get back together but then I realized I think the upset from before had just maybe been too much to look past.

And I swing between feeling like it was the right choice and then really doubting it/remembering horrible things he's said etc. And I strengthened a lot in the 3 months we were apart, which makes me think maybe the dynamic might just be fudged for good now.

But his friends and family already think i'm a bitch from hell because he really pulled the pity-party crap post split and still lives at home and has a lot of people babying him wheras I've lived alone with DS for a few years now and although I'm close to my DM/friends, they're more of the 'well it's your life/you're an adult' type. If shit hits the fan twice it'll be pretty bad. Not a big town which is a shame in a way...

Not sure why I'm actually posting other than to just vent a bit. Feel like a fucking idiot more than anything else and still not sure enough to make a decision about the future either way.

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YoniJaquen · 16/09/2014 21:59

He's moved out with friends which is a good start. Only very recent but seems to have grown up a bit from that alone and we've had a long, brutally honest chat about where it went wrong and why etc and what we both could've done better (no angel myself).

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YoniJaquen · 16/09/2014 22:07

My gut feeling is that it's moving too fast, which I can do something about. I don't was to slip back into 'old habits' and after 3 months of being alone I don't really want a really full on, nearly everyday type thing. You can't go from 0-60, especially if you had issues!

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Aussiebean · 16/09/2014 22:39

You are allowed to decide how a relationship you are in runs.

And he is allowed to take it or leave it.

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SolidGoldBrass · 16/09/2014 22:53

You do not owe him a relationship. It's fine to dump him on the grounds that it's not working for you. At least you can bin him in the knowledge that he's got family/friends to blow his nose and wipe his arse for him when you've moved on.

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Tinks42 · 16/09/2014 23:00

Sounds like it's a case of don't go back go forward and rightly so.

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 07:08

Yeah, true!

I just feel really bad as he was very hurt the first time (which surprised me but made it clear he really took me for granted, otherwise he'd have seen it coming with bells on)! I should've just left him be. It was a bad case of the 'oo but you never know' and 3 months of hearing through friends how much he'd changed/was changing etc. Then when we bumped into each other a few weekends back it was more of the same from himself. I know wonder if he is actually really sorry but just can't change some of the things that became issues. Leopards and spots and all that...

For example, he's done lots of good/nice things but one of my bug bears was him crashing at mine then lounging in bed when I'm up with DS. The thing that makes the early starts easier is playing loud, fun music, cleaning up, a coffee in bed etc just making the most of the 'head start' on the day. But I end up trying to be quiet which just puts me in a foul mood. It's a very small house. Certainly telling him he can't stay at mine anyway.

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WottaMess · 17/09/2014 07:17

Why not just get on with it and see if he gets up too.

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 07:23

I did yesterday and he still didn't wake for a few hours. Was in a bad mood though so I think it pissed him off...
I don't resent having DS at all, he's lovely in the mornings (an early bird like his mum)! But it feels like taking the piss when someone's having a lie in under your nose, especially if they're keeping you up later than usual (mean to go to bed about 10 usually or I feel grumpy as hell but always ends up later when he stays). And he also made a lot of talk about getting up to help with DS if he was staying but obviously not happening so just going to cut out the overnights. I know he's not DS's dad but he makes a lot of talk about being this great step-dad and it's just BS tbh.

He's worked on the other things but this was one of the things that really wound me up before. Sounds petty I know Blush Hmm

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Coughle · 17/09/2014 07:25

It really doesn't sound like you WANT to be with him.

I think I remember your last thread.

Flowers

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 07:26

Last posted quite a while ago. I feel stupid for believing him about the helping out thing I guess. Pretty naive of me.

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mummytime · 17/09/2014 07:27

He's crashed at yours. So simply don't pander to him. Your house your rules.
So if he wants to crash make him put up with the consequences - noise and activity in the morning.
Heck guests have to put up with that, and it sounds as though he crashed rather than was invited. For guests I will try to keep the noise down, but do warn them that we have to get up early.

But if you don't want to be in a relationship with his you don't have to be.
Don't let anyone tell you different.

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 07:28

DS's dad has just picked him up so at least I can sleeeeep a bit. I can be really irritable when I'm tired and DS has been ill so i'm not in a very happy place as it is this week Grin

Need a bucket of Brew

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 07:35

I think some things a family member said have also made me think twice. DM was fine about the re-start as were most of my family but my uncle was very worried as ex made a stab at my MH issues post split and DU has biploar himself so thinks it's disgusting someone would do that (I agree but we both said some not so nice things post split and apoligized when we met up again recently).

Also moving house this month so just quite stressed out anyway as I'm doing most of it myself. So not sure I can trust myself to make a decent decision about what bread to buy let alone the relationship if that makes sense.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/09/2014 08:11

You sound like you've been persuaded to try again by others, against your instincts, and now you are regretting it but feel like you can't dump him again.
You don't live your life for others, and if you don't want to be with him, he'll get over it. You're not responsible for his emotional well being, nor do you owe him a relationship so he doesn't get sad.

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basgetti · 17/09/2014 08:17

I'm pretty sure I remember your other threads, you required police involvement to get him to leave you alone last time. I think you are mad to consider starting things up again, he isn't going to change, he's proving that already.

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ScrambledSmegs · 17/09/2014 09:22

Please, PLEASE tell me you aren't who we think you are? Because if so that means you got back with someone who physically threatened you. Who frightened you. And who cannot and will not add anything of value to your life.

He just wants a new mummy. You've already got a child, you don't need another.

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Twinklestein · 17/09/2014 09:35

I don't think you're that into him OP. If you don't want a 'full on nearly every day type thing' then you don't want a relationship with him full stop.

And why would you he's a kid in search of a mother replacement, he might be marginally better behaved than last time but he's still a kid. What's with the lounging in bed does he not have a job?

I would get on and live your life, tell him you tried again but it's just not working for you.

The longer you leave it the worse it will be.

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YoniJaquen · 17/09/2014 13:31

Think you're right Twinkle. It's a bit too much seeing anyone everyday in my situation. Unless they're really helping. Him moving out was a step in the right direction, but still...

Some friends and family minimize what happened last time too and it's easy to forget things. My uncle is probably the only one who's concerned about it going very tits up again/ex being an assclown.

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SolidGoldBrass · 17/09/2014 16:45

God you're not the one who had to have the police out half a dozen times to make this arsehole leave you alone, are you?

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