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Relationships

Thought he knew about the new P. He didn't.

11 replies

Anniemannie · 16/09/2014 16:08

Me and my XP broke up early this year after what was essentially a car crash of an ending. Not a particularly long relationship, but intense and over the course of it I changed a lot (in a good way- became more assertive, more sure of what I wanted for a relationship and I’m now a much happier person). Even though it was an extremely amicable break up I’ve felt quite a lot of emotional strain over the past few months and I think it’s been even worse for him- there’s been more than a few late night calls (ignored) and hopeful emails- but until the last few weeks we’ve sort of coasted along without argument.

We have a few bills to sort out together which have been delayed because one reason or another, and I have quite a bit of his stuff left at my flat that I keep trying to arrange for him to pick up. For reasons unknown, he’s turned quite nasty in the last few weeks, nothing outright but quite a few snide remarks and accusations of infidelity which when called out on he backs down and claims to be a misunderstanding on my part. When I say nasty I mean references to not “wanting his bedsheets back, eugh” and asking me not to use various things of his as he’s “sick of people having their hands over his property”.

At this point I should point out I started seeing someone around 6 weeks ago and I just assumed he’d heard (it’s not particularly a secret) and that what was causing the passive aggressive behavior. It didn’t really bother me as I knew XP and I were fully over with no chance of a reconciliation.
I had a close family member die last week, XP was aware of it as he had text me to say he’d heard and was thinking of me, and yesterday was their funeral. As far as these things go it was actually nice and although I was knackered when I got home (4 hours each way on the train!) I didn’t feel too upset, just a bit quiet and reflective. I was in the bath when I received a message from him consisting of a pornographic picture he’d found of an “actress” who looked like me. My initial reaction was to ignore it but after his recent texts I unfortunately couldn’t let it lie and replied with “INAPPROPRIATE”. When he asked why I said that firstly he knew I’d spent the day at a funeral and secondly, it was inappropriate to send something like that to someone in a relationship, no matter what history there was.

Of course, it turns out he had no idea about the new relationship and I have now received a barrage of abusive messages (predictable stuff) and he’s now claiming there’s no way he’ll be paying the money he owes me as I’ll “just go and spent it on [my] new piece”.

I just don’t know how to reply to this. The issue I’m facing now has stumped me somewhat, I’m very angry at him but I’m also aware that any hasty point-scoring may cost me further down the line and anyway I’d prefer to deal with this like an adult.

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 16/09/2014 16:15

What on earth has it got to do with him? You've been over for months, the only thing you need from him is for him to be out of your life. Hopefully now he knows it's over he'll be able to move on. I'd be polite, civil and firm - you're sorry that he's hurt but you are within your rights to start seeing someone new, and you assumed he knew given some of the messages he has sent you recently.

MairzyDoats · 16/09/2014 16:16

Oh, and he sounds like an arsenal, you're well shot.

MairzyDoats · 16/09/2014 16:17

arse!Blush

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 16:17

Don't reply. Keep a record of the abusive messages and the offensive picture however as that is 'evidence' that you might need in future when you get the police onto him for harassment.

Cut all contact now except for strictly business comms like getting money back. Even then, work out if it's worth it. How much money is involved? All the time you respond he will interpret it as encouragement. If he has been picking fights, my guess is that he's trying to wriggle out of paying.

BTW... sending someone a pornographic picture is unacceptable whether they are in a relationship or not and regardless of how they spent the day. Disgusting.

Crinkle77 · 16/09/2014 16:21

I would just box his stuff up and take it round. If he sends you anything weird just ignore it and the same if he tries to start an argument or get nasty. He is trying to engage you in a discussion and get your attention but you need to ignore him. Does he owe you money for bills and if so can you afford to just take the hit and pay them. You need him out of your life asap.

Anniemannie · 16/09/2014 17:49

Hi all,

Thanks for your help- you’re completely right. A friend of mine said that by leaving his stuff at mine he’s just trying to tie me to him and keep the communications ongoing and she’s right, it’s a power thing and I need to just completely cut him off.

I have to say it is such a relief hearing you say it’s unacceptable, when I spoke to my sister about it she told me that “all break ups are like this”.
With regards to the money, it’s just over £800 but honestly I would prefer to write it off than have any ties to him at all, my friends and mother are of the opinion that I should hold his stuff to ransom until he pays me and if he refuses I should start selling it off but I just don’t care enough.

Does this make me a pushover?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 16/09/2014 18:01

Small claims court using the text as proof that he acknowledges he owes you the money.

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/09/2014 18:04

He thought he could have you on a piece of elastic and pull on it any time he wanted and ego boost and you would come running.

The abuse started because you showed him you weren't going to be in that position and play that game, so his little fantasy dissolved.

Anniemannie · 16/09/2014 18:27

Is it worth it though GuiltyPleasures001? I feel like he’s winning every time I give his behaviour any attention.
I just feel like I’m so close to the situation I can’t think clearly.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 18:29

Text back 'thanks for the proof that you owe me - see you in court - sucker!'

aermingers · 16/09/2014 18:30

To be honest I would just let the money go and look at it as a reasonable sacrifice to get this awful man out of your life and put behind you. 'New piece'. Yuck.

Put his stuff in a storage locker paid for a week. Give the key to a mutual friend to give to him and tell the storage company that if he has not collected the items or renewed the lease they may dispose of the items as they see fit. He is using the fact that you have this stuff as an excuse to keep lines of communication open and force you to interact with him.

Alternatively if he is refusing to pay money he owes you, then you may wish to sell some of his belongings in order to recoup this. The only problem with this is that he could potentially bring a claim against you or make an allegation of theft. It may give him the opportunity to still have some kind of control over you.

Personally I wouldn't bother with selling the stuff. I would go for a clean break. Remove his stuff, put it in storage, give the key to your friend, change your mobile and landline numbers, block his emails (or create a new account for personal messages etc), block him on facebook, block him on twitter, etc, etc, etc. Refuse any mail, do not any emails. If he approaches you personally report to the police.

If you cut off his means of interacting with you hopefully he will get bored and give up. They want the reaction and if they don't get it normally they lose interest.

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