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Relationships

Help me not to lose it tonight

4 replies

OfCourse · 15/09/2014 18:50

Sod the name change on this

DD 16, 10A* achiever this years GCSE. She's left a private school now going to one of the top grammars in the country for sixth form.

Her whole existence at the moment revolves around getting to Cambridge in two years time.

She has a boyfriend, shes verbally abusive to him & shes verbally abusive to me constantly. Her brother who's half her age, she's rude to, telling him to shut up all the time. My DP she is quietly rude to by ignoring him ( he lives with us, though she will go to him and be very affectionate and seeks out his company when she wants it ). She's lovely to her friends and new school friends.

She will not discuss anything other than school, berates me, orders me about and tells me she's busy working if I attempt discussion with her.

Her father died when she was twelve; he was highly abusive and quite frankly I was relieved as it released me from ever having to deal with him again ( we were married and lived under same roof ).

Sadly, DD witnessed the abuse, my reactions ( everything from keeping quiet to terrible shouting matches and not long before he died he was arrested for beating me (not in front of DCs). I had massive black eyes.

DD has an uncanny ability to behave exactly like him when she's being abusive ( most of the time at the moment ). I have had to learn to remain calm, take a firm parental stance, but it's very difficult and she keeps pushing, almost like she's waiting for me to snap ( I have in the past)

Tonight her BF has called me and she's been vile to him, he's a decent young man and upset by her. He's called me before and I have told him to disengage with her when she's horrible, politely but firmly. Tonight she has threatened him again with breaking up over the fact that I forgot to pick up something from the post office for her Hmm.

I decided to have a word along the lines of requesting that could she at least behave in a decent manner, whether she continues her relationship with him or not. SHe refused to discuss, demanded what time is dinner, told me sh'e busy and she doesn't need to hear all this from me as well as him. She also added she's only nasty to me and him in a defiant manner then went back to her studying.

I have found her a counsellor which will start in November, she's willing to goas apparently she knows she is horrible but can't stop, but in the meantime I've got to keep it together and I find myself on eggshells all the time wondering if she's going to kick off.

I'm staying out of her way now and quite frankly don't feel inclined to prepare her dinner as im upset and cross, but I'm the parent and have to remain in a position of strength

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Kleptronic · 15/09/2014 19:37

She's 16, she can get her own dinner.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support her, including arranging counselling, and it's good she can recognise her behaviour for what it is.

I can understand that the past abuse you survived and she witnessed is a heavy consideration for you. But she cannot behave like this towards you.

She's being abusive towards you all, as you know. You need to take the power back. It doesn't matter if she's aiming for the moon in two years, she does not get to treat people so badly without consequences.

If she cannot be civil, she gets no help. You are not a servant to her ambition and bad temper! State it calmly and then disengage, as you advised her boyfriend to do. Don't fetch and carry for her, don't cook for her, if she is abusive, state you are not to be spoken to in that manner and walk away.

Allowing her to act abusively towards you will do her no favours. Or you, of course! She has to stop.

I feel for you I really do, this must be so upsetting and tiring for you all.

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OfCourse · 15/09/2014 20:11

She got her own dinner, I said I was busy when she came down and asked if I was going to prepare anything for her. She then asked again and I said I'm busy and wasn't prepared to discuss it, just as she does.

It's awful but I don't like her very much at the moment. When she want's to be she's very funny and charming, but mostly it's nasty abuse and general rudeness at the moment and then expects me to listen to her go on and on and on about the minutiae of school

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ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 20:16

She's clearly an intelligent girl, so I wonder whether it would help if she were to read some books about people who are abusive.

I haven't read any of them but think I could have done with them when my daughter was that age. Maybe some people on here could recommend some?

I am so sorry for you; I've been through a fraction of this and wanted to get into my car and drive away fast.

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Sunseeker8 · 15/09/2014 22:54

Is she like this all the time or could it be PMT?

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