Small transgression, how to restore dignity

[FallenFigs]

Have nc'd for this, as it's not very dignified.

A small bit of background...DH and I are having a bit of a rubbish time, same old work pressures, young kids blah blah. We are both know what the problems are, but things are ok for a few weeks then go downhill again. But on the whole, you know, it's fine and we've two young kids so we'll stick it out for a while.

But.

A few months ago, I met someone who has been occupying rather too much of my headspace since. I don't see him very often, but he is connected to DH and so our paths cross. A few weeks ago, we all had a night out and I really enjoyed his company (he's single). We then had a few messages after the event. DH doesn't know about this, and they are ostensibly innocent messages, but I shouldn't have indulged. Nothing will happen, I think I'm just emerging from that cocoon of small kids, and enjoyed the attention and thrill of the 'new'.

So my concern is now that this guy thinks I'm a complete floozy. I've never done anything similar in the 10 years DH and I have been together. What can I do about this, it's quite likely our paths will cross again soon, and I hate the idea that he is left with the impression I just 'take up' with the first bloke who buys me a drink in the pub.

I just need to suck it up, don't I?

[MajesticWhine]

Just put the boundaries back where they belonged. As if nothing ever happened. Because it didn't right? And don't worry about it.

[strawberryshoes]

The messages were innocent yes? And petered out naturally? Then the bloke won't think anything and you can just keep contact to when you are all out together. No harm done.

[FallenFigs]

Yep, they were innocent. Flaming modern technology - so easy to get oneself in a trifle, he doesn't have my phone number.

[AnyFucker]

Why would this bloke think you were a floozy if the messages were innocent ?

Is it just that you shouldn't have been in contact at all, and you darn well know it ?

Hopefully no harm done. Do you think your H would have considered the messages to be "innocent" though ?

[motherinferior]

Er...you sent a bloke a few messages? I send loads of male friends messages. Life goes on. Pants remain in their relevant places. Don't worry about it.

[FallenFigs]

You're right, AnyFucker, I really shouldn't have been in contact with him. The content of the messages was innocent, but my DH doesn't know about them, and there wouldn't have been an appropriate way to bring it up.

I know my concerns are mis-directed, as my concern should be what my DH thinks, not what this guy thinks. Unfortunately he really has got in to my head (not by doing anything, he's just exactly the type of extrovert that turns my head, and he's turned up at the precise moment DH and I are a bit 'meh').

So, I need to re-assess my priorities and get this guy out of my head, right. It doesn't matter what he thinks. How do I manage that?

[AnyFucker]

You could tell your husband how you are feeling (vulnerable to having head turned) without revealing any more details I suppose. Those messages were not innocent, clearly.

[FallenFigs]

motherinferior yep, I send male friends messages too. But those are friends, people in our lives all the time who DH knows about, and knows about the messages. This instance doesn't fit into those criteria.

[FallenFigs]

The content was harmless enough, just mulling over the evening and the aftermath. But I did overstep the mark. I'm useless when I fancy someone, and really shouldn't be fancying anyone at all

[AnyFucker]

You can fancy them, just don't strike up any more secret messaging conversations. Not. Cool.

[AnyFucker]

Actually, from what you have said, it does sound like the content was harmless but the intent was purely in your head IYSWIM. Did he try to move the conversation on to anything more intimate ? if not, you have probably got away with it. Don't do owt so daft again, have a word with yourself and you'll be fine.

[Fairenuff]

Were they the sort of messages that you could show your dh if he did know that you two were in contact, or would it still be overstepping the mark? Don't forget, his friend has the message too and could show him if he felt like it.

[FallenFigs]

Not cool at all, was it?! I agree with the comments about intent AnyFucker, and I guess that's the thing I need to sort out. I would never have actually done anything, but I certainly sought out his company on the evening. He behaved with total messaging dignity, dammit. I did try so hard not to say anything that could be overstepping the mark, that actually it was rather dull!

I shouldn't be fancying anyone, as my heart tends to get very carried away, and this guy really does occupy my thoughts quite a lot/

Could I show my DH the messages? Yes, I think he'd think it was silly, but probably view it as I have i.e. i wasn't being very dignified. I've told him I'm bored at the moment as our lives are very separate, so maybe I should show him

[AnyFucker]

Perhaps both you and your H are "bored" with your relationship at the moment ?

Why don't you talk to him about that and see if you can liven it up a bit...just you two ?

[FallenFigs]

He probably is! We've talked about that, but it never really happens...busy lives, blah, blah. And the idea of something new, exciting and so on is very attractive. Maybe I will get a hobby, or a pet or something

[AnyFucker]

For all you know, he could have been having a little "dalliance" of his own...

You don't sound very connected to him. If neither of you have the will to do something about that, then it is possibly only a matter of time before you are miles apart.

If you both have the will, there is always a way to find the time.

[FallenFigs]

Yep, there's that too. He works in a very male dominated workplace, and I find it hard to imagine, but you never know.

I agree, we're not very connected at all. We totally know what the problems are, just lacking in the 'know-how' to fix them. So, hand me a gin and tonic and a handsome, interesting man and I think 'stuff it'. Well, I did think that a few weeks back, and things haven't really changed since then.

Not good, eh. I'd say I have 60% will...is that enough?? No idea what DH's view is on percentage 'will'. Harumph.

[AnyFucker]

So ask him

[Flossiex2]

It sounds like you are wanting to take things further with this guy and don't trust yourself.

[daisychain01]

I'd just let the whole thing evaporate into the ether, and get on with living your "real-world" life with your DH.

Maybe it was a bit of a "wake up call" you needed to realise your DH means a lot to you.

Don't give it any more head space, it isn't worth the emotional energy, honestly!

[pinkfrocks]

If you are vulnerable to male attention then you need to either fix your marriage or consider ending it.

Affairs start in the head not the groin.

[FallenFigs]

Bloody hell, I think this thread is (finally) making me realise I'm not sure I can (or want to) fix things with DH.

I think we're at the point where if it weren't for the kids we would have separated. And that's no good for kids, surely. May be we are both being a bit cowardly about actually splitting, not because we want to save the marriage but because we're scared of what comes after. Flossiex2 you're right, given the opportunity I don't think I would trust myself

[pinkfrocks]

at least it's given you a wake up call that change of some sort is needed.

No one makes you promise when you get married that you won't ever fancy anyone else, but if you respond to attention so wholeheartedly then it's maybe a sign that you need to think about what's going on.

[AnyFucker]

If you think you don't want to work things out with your H, please play fair and tell him this

Don't "accidentally" fall onto some other bloke's cock in the meantime. There is a whole world of pain for all involved if you take that choice, rather than acting like a grown up and facing your marital breakdown with integrity.