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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Advice needed please- sister leaving abusive relationship.

30 replies

blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 09:54

My sister is on her way to my house now so we can make plans for her to leave the relationship she's in.

She's been with this man for 7 years, has no children and will be staying at my house until she finds a private rental.

She's terrified and is unable to eat. I desperately want to do all I can to help her.

Any advice or thoughts will be gratefully received.

Thank you

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Vivacia · 15/09/2014 10:11

Ring Women's Aid?

Give us more facts? Why is she scared exactly?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:11

Does she have particular reason to be terrified? Does she fear reprisals, for example? Safety always has to be top priority.

If the terror is more internal - insecurity, depression, fear of the unknown - she might benefit from seeing your GP in the short-term.

I don't know the back-story but she's likely to waver between 'OMG what have I done?' and 'I'm never going back' quite severely. Abusive relationships are a mental trap as well as a physical one. Help her stay completely out of touch as that tends to be the weak point in this kind of thing.

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2014 10:12

It's not easy and it's horrible watching a loved one go through this.
I had to do exactly the same for my little sister.
She will have to heal in her own time.
You can only be there for her.
To talk to. To cry on. To lean on. To take out to get her mind off of things.
Try to get her to get a new phone. You can keep hold of her old one and vet all the texts and calls.
Try to also get first access to her emails so you can make sure she doesn't have to read anything hateful.
Get as many family and friends as you can to rally around her.
Keep her sugar levels up. Sugary tea, ice lollies, soup. It's gonna be hard for her to eat solids right now.
My sister was an anorexic mess. But she got there.
You're being a lovely supportive sister.
Just do what you can.

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2014 10:15

Cross posts. To add to the safety thing.
I was lucky that my ExH who was my DH at the time was brilliant.
Also over 6 foot tall and very heavily built.
My sisters Ex was a coward and knew if he even tried anything my Ex would have relished giving him a bit of his own medicine!
If it's safety she is worried about, call 101 and get your address on the Police's alert list.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:25

Another point... has she made this decision off her own bat, was she put under pressure or has there been some dramatic 'rescue'? If it's the former, she's more likely to stay away. If it's one of the latter, the success rate is lower.

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Lweji · 15/09/2014 10:32

You can provide her with information about resources such as Women's Aid, NCDV, (see more on the MN DV resources), police DV/abuse units, and allow her space to contact them.
Don't judge. Ask questions if you want to keep the dialogue going, present options.
The main point is that it is possible to get away and that she can do it. But remember that you can't do it for her. It has to be about what she wants.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 11:06

Sorry for taking so long to reply, she came round and we've been trying to sort out ending her tenancy agreement with him.
We've been told that if she ends the joint tenancy he will be given four weeks notice to leave and will effectively be homeless.
She's now changing her mind about leaving and says she sees no option but to stay with him as she can't make him homeless.
I don't know what we can do. She's in tears right now saying she's trapped and can't leave him.

Cogito there's been no dramatic rescue, just a slow realisation from her over the past few months that she wants to leave plus offers of help from her friends and family to enable her to do so.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 11:09

I meant to add, Cogito , the terror is internal. She's scared of being alone, scared of what the future holds, afraid of how he'll react to her going (reprisals etc).

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 11:10

There's always something dragging the victim back. Misplaced guilt is such a destructive emotion and such a common reason for people feeling trapped. If he ends up homeless, it's his responsibility to find somewhere to live, of course. Same as she's made her own arrangements.

As she sounds highly agitated and upset I would personally tell her to sleep on it. No rush to make a decision either way. No panic. Priority is to get her calm, well-rested, some nourishment inside her and then talk about it again when she's feeling a bit more together.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 11:11

"afraid of how he'll react to her going (reprisals etc)."

Has he been reported to the police previously?

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Lweji · 15/09/2014 11:12

Does she need to end her tenancy?

I think she needs to address that sense of guilt and responsibility over him.

Will she talk to WA?

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 11:21

She lives in a housing association property and has to pay four weeks rent in advance plus send a letter informing them that she's leaving.
Then we were told that his tenancy would be ended too.
We can see no other way round this.
I'm waiting for someone to call me back as they're trying to get further information to help her, but it appears she will make him homeless if she goes.

She doesn't feel she can make him homeless and has told me that she can't leave.

He's not been reported to the police previously as it's not been physical. It's financial and emotional.

You're right in that she's extremely agitated and in despair right now. I've told her we'll sort something out but to be honest I'm scared myself that there'll be nothing we can do.

She will not leave if it means him being made homeless.

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Lweji · 15/09/2014 11:24

But if he is made homeless with 4 weeks notice, he can apply for a place from the council and he can rent a room somewhere.

You could check ads with her and speak with the council to reassure her.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 11:36

Lweji Is this correct? I don't know all the rules.
He only works part time, has no money and would not have the bond to pay for a room.
Would the council rehouse him?

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Lweji · 15/09/2014 11:39

They would probably find him a bedsit or temporary accommodation, but afaik yes.
Contact them.

Alternatively, she could give him enough for a deposit on a room, even pay him maintenance for a while.

Better than staying with him.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 11:49

Thank you for your advice, I'll look into that now.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 14:43

I've spoken to the council and they basically said that there was no help they would be able to offer him as a single man with no dependants, so he would effectively be homeless if she leaves.

She's said she's going to stay as she can't make him homeless.

I even tried begging her housing association to assign the tenancy to him but they've refused.

There's nothing we can do.

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2014 15:01

Unfortunately, no there isn't.
While she's still in the FOG and finding excuses, she won't leave.
She's not ready.
She's still trying to 'change' him, 'rescue' him from himself etc...
She will put herself first one day, when he's pushed her too far.
When her self-esteem is on the floor.
When he's hit her and she's physically on the floor.
She may be ready then.
But for now, all you can do is be there for her and when she's ready make that exit plan.

I have no idea why she thinks that SHE will make him homeless.
He's a grown up right?
He can communicate with people right?
He works right?
We all have to stand on our own 2 feet when we 'grow up'
It's the way of the world.
He just has to do that. Why does she think he can't do that?
Why is he so different to 'everyone' else?
If he's capable of being an abusive arsehold then I'm sure he's capable of taking care of himself.

What did you and your DSis learn about relationships when growing up?
He's done a real number on her and it will take time for her to realise SHE does count and she IS important.
You only live once!

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TheEponymousGrub · 15/09/2014 15:14

She won't make him "homeless". She will only make him "need to move house" - with notice. Since he has forced her to move, might she agree that the consequences to him are not unfair?

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Lweji · 15/09/2014 15:17

She simply needs to give him enough cash to find another place. What he does with it, it's his problem.
And if he truly is homeless, there are agencies that support homeless people.
Keep digging.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 15:45

He only works part time and is alcohol dependant and smokes pot all the time.

He has no money, few friends and he only manages to live by using all her money and having her pay for everything.

I've told her that she has nothing to feel guilty about. He's almost 40 years old and has had enough time to sort his life out and get a proper job, but has never bothered. I told her that it's not her putting him in this situation, it's him.

She's very young and has always had low self esteem, due to a learning disability she has and frequent bullying throughout her school years. He is all she's know as an adult and as such I don't think she realises how bad things really are.

It almost seems that she feels she owes him and that's why she stays. Although what she feels she owes him for I have no idea.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 15:49

Lweji she has barely any money herself. She works long hours in a minimum wage job.

She can only just afford to pay off the arrears and the months notice. I can help her a bit, but not much. I'm a single mum to two disabled children and only work part time.

She's thinking of accessing her only savings account which has £500 in and giving it all to him, but I think that's so unfair. Why she should she have to keep paying for him endlessly. Although if that's the only way she can cope with her guilt of leaving him, then I suppose it will have to happen.

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deste · 15/09/2014 16:14

If she gives him the money he will drink it and smoke it. There is no way he will use it for a deposit and she will be back where she started. Why does she think rewarding someone who is making her life a misery is her responsibility. Can she not get the house in her name only.

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blueballoon79 · 15/09/2014 16:23

She could only get the flat in her name if the police had been called out to an incident of abuse.

This hasn't happened and even if it had I still don't think she would try and get him to leave.

She wants to leave and start anew somewhere else.

I've told her to give it this week to think about what she wants to do and am hoping she will realise she owes him nothing.

She says he'd have nowhere to go, but I know he'd have friends who'd let him sleep on their sofa if the worst came to the worst.

I just hope she makes the right decision. She's gone back there now, but is going to come over to mine again on Friday and I'm hoping she'll decide to leave then.

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2014 16:46

WOW - he really HAS done a number on her.
So she works her fingers to the bone for this cocklodging wankbadger!
He drinks away and smokes away all her money and she is worried about him when she leaves??
How long have they been together?
Surely if he's nearly 40 he managed before so I'm sure he can manage when she leaves.
She could have soooo much more.

Get her to contact Womens Aid to complete the Freedom Programme.
She can do it online but would be better if she can attend the course.
It will open her eyes to all sorts of shit she is currently putting up with.

With this new info, she needs to hand her notice in and get away from this cocklodging wanker asap.
Don't let her get out of it now.
She's go the idea in her head and she needs to get the hell away.
An alcoholic pot head. She can do much much better.