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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

5 years..... no ring

143 replies

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 18:57

Been with dp for 10 years... 5 years ago he presented me with a charm bracelet with a ring on telling me that him proposing was just around the corner. It never materialised... I got pregnant and had our daughter... still no ring..... months go by... no ring. Got pregnant again... awful pregnancy and was told that he would be proposing literally day after I gave birth.. never happened. My son is now 14 months of age. Three months ago he told me I only had two months to wait... never happened. He says he wants to marry but has to be done the right way.
Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it. I feel like I am grieving my dream.... what can i do?

OP posts:

Report

punygod · 14/09/2014 19:00

Propose to him?

Or leave him for being a cruel melon-twister?

It's pretty bad form to behave like this.

magoria · 14/09/2014 19:01

Didn't you post this before?

CultureSucksDownWords · 14/09/2014 19:04

Yeah, propose to him, see what his reaction is? Then agree a date for the wedding, and ask him to reciprocate the proposal at some point before then.

It's been pretty mean of him to keep fobbing you off when being proposed to clearly is meaningful to you.

tribpot · 14/09/2014 19:07

What does he say when you point out he's promised to propose, say on the day after you gave birth?

If you want to be married to him (although I'm not entirely sure why you would when he seems unable to get his shit together to propose to you) simply propose to him. If he says no - you have your answer. (I suspect he will say no because he wants to ask you. He can do that on the spot or not bother at all).

If you want a ring - a ring from him perhaps signifying that he loves and respects you as the mother of his children, tell him that's what you want.

overslept · 14/09/2014 19:11

I was promised repeatedly and let down for 5 years. After that I told him where to go, he has since said "I wanted it to be perfect" and "I was going to, I just wanted it to be right when I did" and a load of other bull. He really regrets it now apparently. Oh well, had his chance and snuffed it.

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 19:17

I just feel so lied too... he is full of good intentions but doesnt back them up. Uf he said to me its not going to be for a couple of years that would be fine. Its the disappoint I cant take

OP posts:

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 19:26

He doesn't want to get married.

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 19:37

He says he does

OP posts:

FinnsMum19 · 14/09/2014 19:43

Something is stopping him from proposing, and it's not because he wants it to be perfect. If he wanted to propose, he would have planned the 'perfect' proposal by now and followed through with his promises. You need to sit down and have a serious chat. Maybe he has doubts about a big wedding, or being the centre of attention etc but you need to thrash this out because he's clearly not going to get down on one knee otherwise. Good luck x

meditrina · 14/09/2014 19:48

Yes, magoria there was a thread very similar to this earlier in the summer.

Advice to that OP applies here.

You need to talk to him about his view on marriage. Get it all out, but work out whether it is a deal breaker for you to remain unmarried.

I th.ink you need to throw out the idea of a set-piece proposal. If he wants to be married without the fuss, just start planning it.

If he doesn't please read up as a matter of some urgency the legal differences between cohabitation and marriage, and see a solicitor about will, sort out situation on pensions, make sure ownership of all major assets is clear and see if there is anything else that needs tidying up.

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 19:59

We already discussed we would marry abroad just us and the kids. Thats it.

Thanks meditrina... your advice is spot on reg legal stuff

OP posts:

tippytap · 14/09/2014 19:59

Sorry, but if he really wanted to marry you, you'd be married by now.

It's easy for him to say he wants to get married, then blame delays on the fact that he wants it to be perfect. Truth is, if he really wanted to, he'dve proposed already.

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 20:05

Of course he says he wants to marry you. If he said he didn't you might leave him!

If a man wants to marry you he does.

Sadly some men see marriage as a bigger commitment than children and the latter is easier to walk away from.

Do you want him without a wedding ring or do you want a marriage with someone less twatty?

I kidded myself at 21 living with my ex was better than not having him as I wanted marriage and children. I got an engagement ring but he wouldn't book anything. It wasn't why I left him but I was definitely heading that way.

I am now married with children and never compromise myself again when it is something reasonable that I want that is so important to me.

MsAnthropic · 14/09/2014 20:08

There is one very simple way to know, for certain, within 24 hours whether he wants to be married to you or not. Tomorrow morning, at 9 'o clock, make a provisional date for your wedding at your registry office and then the appointment for both of you to attend to do the paperwork. Tell him and see what his reaction is.

I can't get my head around telling someone you're going to propose though! You either discuss marriage and agree it mutually or one person just proposes. You either do it or you don't. Being told in advance is just odd. If already knows your answer and had done for the last decade and he has been saying he wants to marry you why wouldn't you just consider yourselves already engaged? Proposals are supposed to be surprises, not like this.

MsAnthropic · 14/09/2014 20:09

If a man wants to marry you he does
itsfab is speaking the truth.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/09/2014 20:13

Proposing doesn't have to be done the right way. You've been intending to marry for 5 years so you are engaged. A ring is utterly meaningless, just a visible token of this promise which you have already made. So set a date! Tell him to forget the proposal since you have already agreed to marry, and set a date. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know about whether he wants to marry you or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2014 20:15

Talk is cheap and he has kept you on a string. He will keep on promising to marry you and such will never materialise. If he did want to marry you he would have done so by now particularly as he is also now a parent to two children (BTW do they have his surname as well?).

You and he need to have a serious chat as of now.

Has he seen poor examples of marriage along with a lot of divorce within his social circle or family members?.

You are perhaps too the "she will do for now" woman.

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 20:17

The day DH and I met - had spoken on the phone lots - I asked him if he wanted marriage and children as I wasted 2 years with the aforementioned ex. He did. He proposed and told me within minutes of my yes he said he didn't want a long engagement was fully involved in everything wedding related. We married 9 months later.

Don't sell yourself short for what you want, OP.

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 20:19

He didn't propose the day we met!

pippinleaf · 14/09/2014 21:13

I agree with posters who've said if he wanted to marry you he would have done by now. A man who is waiting for the right moment is miles away from the man who creates the right moment. My husband proposed on a beach. It was completely perfect. Your husband could propose in any location and you'd think it was perfect. The fact is, he hasn't. He's spun you a load of crap and you've been happy to hang on. If you're happy to be with him and not be married then carry on. If you really want to be married you need to start explaining this to him.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 14/09/2014 22:20

'Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it'

What did he answer?

Fairenuff · 14/09/2014 22:22

Sorry but I also think he doesn't want to marry you.

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Ivehearditallnow · 14/09/2014 22:37

He keeps saying he's going to propose and that he wants to and then doesn't? He sounds like he's a dangling a carrot.

If he did ask you - are you supposed to be grateful?! It's sounds like he's a bit controlling and toying with you - which is very pathetic of him.

Forget what he wants - what do you want? If he's making you feel this shit do you really want to marry him?! X

firesidechat · 15/09/2014 08:38

I don't know how you can bring yourself to be civil to him LadyBrooks, let alone want to marry him.

Telling you that he is going to propose on such and such date and then not doing it, is downright cruel and inexcusable. And he has done this more than once! The worst one was after you have given birth and were probably feeling very emotional and vulnerable.

What on earth do you say to him when he fails you yet again? I hope you say something.

Just for your info, my husband of 30 years proposed after 3 months and we were married 3 months later. I agree with others that if he really wanted to get married then it would have happened by now.

I don't have a clue what your partner is like generally, but his behaviour is making my blood boil.

LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 09:29

Well this morning we arent talking and he didnt even try and kiss me good bye. Why he is upset with me is just unbelievable

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