Relationship advice

[Lollypops20181]

Partner and I have been together for over 10 years and have one child. We had him very young (age18 and 20). I attended university and we lived together near where I studied. I completed my degree and we all moved to a new city so I could start my career. In the interim years that followed my partner decided he wanted to also go to uni which I fully supported. The only issue was it was a 5 hour drive from our current city. We decided it would be unfair for child to move again and that he would move to the uni and commute home at the weekends.
All was fine to begin with then the mistrust began to seep in, in ways I was jealous - after all he was having the uni experience I had dreamed of and worked so hard for. He was living in halls of residence, was able to go out when he wanted, photos started appearing on facebook which he tried to hide (they were put up invariably by the same girl all the time).
On occasions he would then ignore me and not answe calls from me cos he was busy with friends. He started to pick arguments with me for no reason.

I then discovered he was a member of tinder; had discussed all our problems at length including very personal issues About me with this girl he had met at uni, I read some of the messages and they all ended with xxx from both of them.

He denied having physically cheated.

I have financially, emotionally and academically supported him with his endeavour to gain a degree.

Yesterday I used his laptop and discovered search terms such as "I can't stop thinking about another woman" etc.

Now when we go out he will sometimes leave me in a bar and flirt with other women around him.

I have confronted him, he says he loves me. He didn't cheat etc etc. I told him his behaviour really bothers and upsets me and he has apologised.

I'm not sure I have the energy to continue with this mental turmoil any longer. I feel I deserve more, I should have more self respect . I don't know what to do.

Advice most welcome.

[Lollypops20181]

Bump!!! I'm so desperate for advice, I'm going out of my mind - sorry the above is so long!!!!

Thank you all

[rumred]

sounds like hes checked out of your relationship- tinder is for dating. can you talk about how things have been and what you both want to happen next? have ypu got real life friends to discuss it with?

[rumred]

and, of course, do you actually want to be with him given hes lying to you (to a greater or lesser extent)?

[FelicityGubbins]

Is he still at Uni? Are you financially supporting him?

[Lollypops20181]

He reckons he joined it because "all guys at uni do regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not" (not buying but he had deleted the app on his phone).

We have discussed at length the issues in our relationship - he told me the things that had hurt him from my side and I've made a very conscious effort to change. He says he loves me - has never said he is in love with me.
As for friends; I just can't bring myself to talk to my friends about our issues.

I don't know what I want given the fact that I feel I really don't know him any more. I feel he has betrayed me over and over again.

Yes I am still financially supporting.

I feel like a door mat, I thought I had it all! Turns out I was totally wrong.

[FelicityGubbins]

Truthfully, tell him he has back slid to being a child and as you already have one he can piss off, and stop supporting him as he is biting the hand that feeds him.
He will either wake up out of his lost youth reverie and check back into the relationship, or he will piss off, and make a twat of himself by being a middle age teenager (which lets be honest, isn't worth keeping anyway)

[Lollypops20181]

That's my view on this whole mess too. I can understand that he missed out by us having a baby young but so did I and I'm not using it as an excuse to act like a complete and utter twat.

I'm going through so many emotions -
Anger
Sadness
Lonliness
Bitterness
Hopelessness

I'm a bloody mess!

I just wish he cared for me and herein lies the answer to my own question really.

[Lollypops20181]

I must also add although furious with him I am too furious with the other woman who is fully aware of me and my child. He informs me he text her to tell her that he had worked everything out with me and she didn't reply. Funny that he had protested that him and her were really good friends but if I had been supporting a friend through a difficult period in their relationship and they had worked it out surely I would have text back. It seems very sinister to me (although already paranoid) that she didn't reply to his text. It appears to me that there was more than friendship.
Maybe I'm mad!

[FelicityGubbins]

I would read it that way too, I guess it all boils down to how much you love him and want him, what is your bottom line and has it been crossed already?

[Lollypops20181]

My bottom line is if he has cheated I'm out. I've asked him for honesty, he denies having had any physical relationships with anyone while he was away. With his flirting behaviour in front of me the other night I dread and shudder to think what he was like at uni when I was not there.

On a side note he made sure I never visited him once at uni. He has since met up with his "new" mates here in our home city for drinks and did not invite me. He says I don't have to meet his mates even though he has met all mine and befriended them all on facebook. He has also ensured not to allow any photos of the two of us on his facebook page.

I just need to know if he cheated so I can begin the process of healing and to move on. I know I deserve better than this. I'm 28, not bad looking but not stunning and have an excellent well paying job so I'm not afraid I won't meet anyone again.

I love my BF dearly but I don't know if I can continue these silly games he wants to play. He is totally screwing with my head. I used to feel confident and now I just feel a nervous wreck frightened what next I will discover he has been keeping from me.

[FelicityGubbins]

I think you need to tell him firmly that tonight, you fully expect photos of you and your child on his Facebook,identified as his partner of 10 years. if he refuses then it gives you your answer, I'm afraid.
I think he has cheated, and knows it's your deal breaker so wont admit it, I think his disrespect alone is a good enough reason to dump the twat. Don't forget he has treated his child like a dirty little secret too, and that's unforgivable in my opinion

[Lollypops20181]

Yeah after a lot of pressure over the summer months he finally caved and put a pic of him and his son on his page. Ironically all his friends liked the photo and he was explicit that the child was his son. The only person who didn't was the girl he had discussed our issues with. Furthermore, he tells me I'm mad for looking for advice on forums. I will add our relationship to facebook now and see what happens.
I overheard him on the phone on Friday night when he was totally intoxicated bitching about me. He has totally apologised for this. I'm sick to my core....

[FelicityGubbins]

Honestly, I think even if you stay with him for now, you will one day take a look at him and think "Jesus, you're a fucking moron, why the hell am I wasting my time on you"

[Quitelikely]

I think he has hurt you beyond repair. Do you really want to salvage this relationship?

He has been leading a double life. If he loves and wants you ask him to put your picture on his Facebook account tonight.

There are other wonderful men out there ya know. He isn't your be all and end all. He is disrespecting you massively.

Actions speak louder than words and I know what his actions are telling me!

How long does he have left at uni?

[Lollypops20181]

I really thought it was for life - our relationship I mean. I feel gutted both for him, me and our child. To think of the joint hopes dreams and ambitions. They amount to nothing now. Why has he decided to do this? What the hell did I do wrong?

[FelicityGubbins]

You didn't do anything wrong you grew up and matured into an adult and he didnt, simple as that...

[Lollypops20181]

I feel as if I am having a full scale panic attack right now. I feel so sick to my stomach. I can't believe he would duck things up so bad for us.

I know I can survive without him both emotionally and financially. I still love him stupidly or otherwise and so desperately want things to be different but alas it's not to be. :(((

[Lollypops20181]

I have just added the relationship to facebook and I can see him in what appears to be a squirming state wondering what to do. He hasn't even mentioned it and hasn't even accepted it yet. Just one more nail on the coffin I guess...

[Lollypops20181]

He has two years left but has made a decision not to go back and has been accepted to a uni here at home starting next month. Thanks so much everyone means so much to have support

[FelicityGubbins]

Did he add your relationship on Facebook yet? I hope so as you obviously love him ...

[Lollypops20181]

As expected NO!

[Lollypops20181]

Should I show him this thread to get this whole conversation started and begin to sort out where we go from here when it is so obviously evidence the no longer loves me. He may not love me any more but the only person that should matter to is both going forward with our own lives is our child... Thanks so much for everyone's contributions

[FelicityGubbins]

Just tell him to fuck off, you are changing the locks tomorrow and will be in touch regarding his contact with your child and sling him out tonight

[Lollypops20181]

He has just gone out to meet his friend and I'm glad to be honest as I need time to breathe and think. I'm devastated; 13 years of my life and emotional investment to be treated so horridly in the end. I just can't believe it, I can't believe he could be so cruel. I can't understand if it's me, did I actually do something wrong? I've given up so much for him as he had me in the beginning unfortunately he couldn't stay committed. So so sad :(((( I feel so sad and lonely and hurt and used and foolish... The list is endless I deserve better that's the only rational thought I have right now