I have had some great support in this forum to a post I wrote a few weeks ago about my near breakdown. To sum it up, my DH is blind and I do everything.
In the last couple of weeks, aided by the support I got in above mentionened thread, I have come to the realisation that I am not actually an angry person as I thought, but that my knee-jerk reaction to stress is anger. And there has been a lot of stress since I started "grown-up" life with full time work and family life. I am beginning to realise just how rubbish I am am at dealing with the stress and burdens associated with the work/life balance. It's an odd mixed feeling of relief, regret and resentment. I with I had recognised it as stress and being over burdened. I wish I had chosen to not fret over the state of the house and not had such high expectations of myself. I wish I had stopped to think. I wish I had enjoyed it more, the last 10 years of my DCs lives. I wish I had said to my DH that I couldn't do it and that I hadn't just gritted my teeth and carried on with the deadlines, the hoovering, the baths, the home work etc, getting angrier and angrier with the perceived constant demand on me. I wish I wasn't naturally inclined to take everything upon me and then resent it. I wish I didn't always try to be strong and then break down.
I am sitting here with tears down my face for all the times I shouted at my DH and my kids. At how ridiculous it all is. At how much time I have wasted.
I don't think I have ever felt like how I thought it would be like to be a grown-up. I never thought I would have so much doubt and so much worry.
Sorry. Rant over. I'm actually okay, I just really needed to get this out of my head, and it just wasn't enough to write it down just for myself. Obviously my life is not always like I described above. If you read this, your comments are appreciated, but don't take me too seriously ;)
I do really hope that I will be able to change, just a little bit at a time, that I will be able to stop and really feel how it feels and consider the possible consequences for myself (and thereby my family), rather than just do what I always have done. Because it's not good for me and it ruins my relationship to my family. At the end of the day, no one will remember and appreciate if the floor was washed or the deadlines were met. What will be remembered is how we were as a family.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
10 years later I realise it was all stress
misscph1973 · 14/09/2014 10:46
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