Am pregnant. Dp really does not want this baby. I do. Please help me.

[allyjay]

Hi Everyone

Feeling a bit desperate this morning. I have lots of friends and family in RL but don't feel I can confide in any of them. Feel so lonely and sad. This is the story: Dp and I have been together for just over 8 years. I have a DC (who is 16) from a previous marriage and we have two DC together (5 and 3 nearly 4 respectively). Several months ago I came off the pil, I had been on it since the birth of my youngest and was fed up of taking (well forgetting to take) it. Dp knew this and we agreed to use condoms instead. Anyway, fast forward a few months we'd both had a few drinks (well many) and we ended up having sex and not using a condom, more than once I'm afraid to say. We didn't really discuss the prospect of pregnancy, except to agree that it was unlikely, after only two times and given my age (40) that I would concieve. How very very stupid we were. He did also say at the time 'I don't really want another baby' but went ahead and had sex we with me without protection anyway.

I am pregnant, obviously, and I really thought when I told him several weeks ago that he would huff and puff a little bit, but then get used to the idea and be happy. It has not been like that at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want another child and that can't see how it would be a good thing for us and our family at all. I on the other hand, whilst feeling a little bit apprehensive for the same reasons as him, would really like to have this baby. The conversation ended up with a stalemate and me in tears. Basically he wants me to have a termination. This was three weeks ago. Life has carried on. I had a midwife booking in appt.which he even took me to and various letters through the post about pregnancy related appointments. I had started to hope that his silence on the subject meant that he was coming round to the idea and sort of kept a bit quiet. What a stupid stupid bitch I am. This morning I mention, in passing, that I am going to be under consultant led care, given my age and past history of anxiety and depression and he acted all surprised and said but we haven't really resolved all this yet. I was speechless really. I told him that whilst I had misgivings like him (small house but looking to buy bigger very soon, my history of depression, and how it will affect other children etc) I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He says I've buried my head in the sand, which I suppose I have, but I told him in our first conversation that I was NOT willing to terminate and my position hasn't changed.

He is now saying we need to sit down and have long conversation about it and that I need to 'persuade' him that having this baby is a good thing. He didn't actually say we would split up if I refused to terminate but did say something like 'I don't want to split up but......'.I feel so pathetic and stupid that I could have let this happen. I did know that he wasn,t that keen on another baby but went ahead anyway. I really, really don't want to terminate this pregnancy but thinking maybe I should for the sake of everyone else? I don't know what to do, I wish I had heeded him at the time instead of thoughtlessly and selfishly ploughing on and thinking 'ah it will be all right probably won't get pregnant anyway'.

Just to let you know we have never had problems before, yes we fight like any other couple but he is a loving and generous partner and father to me and the children. So sorry for the long windedness of it, I hope it makes sense. I am happy to answer any questions and I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advise. Thank you all

[Nightowlagain]

So sorry you're going through this, it sounds very stressful. All I can say is that you shouldn't have a termination if you don't want one, that is the bottom line really. Your marriage will not survive it.

Having the baby may or may not mean the end of your marriage, but at least you'll have the child that you will love. He still might come around, but I feel that you should go ahead with the pregnancy if that's what you want, and what will be will be.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you xx

[wtftodo]

So sorry you're going through this. I realise his response isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like each of you have (out of fear/stubbornness) announced your position and hoped the other would do the running. In all honesty it seems likely he will come round, but wants you both to talk about it - for you to hear his feelings go as well. If you can sit down and talk about it together, try to find resolutions and plans together, ie be proactive and in partnership, he will probably end up feeling excited as well as apprehensive - and you too. I also think it's important to demonstrate to him that you aren't just dismissing his feelings - you can understand etc but having thought about it you just cannot bring yourself to terminate this pregnancy and so all that is left is working out how to make everything work for the best... Good luck op, and congratulations x

[annielouisa]

I think you were both very foolish to be so haphazard with contraception but now you are pregnant he cannot blackmail you into a termination. I think you have to accept though that he may want to split. Think about it is he the man you thought he was if he would be happy to push you to terminate.

[Teeb]

I agree with a previous poster, if you were to terminate then the resentment would end the relationship anyway. At the same time, he may well decide it isn't a relationship he wants to stay in.

[magoria]

Do you think your relationship will survive if you have a termination?

I think you would be better keeping the child and not having a relationship than going through a termination and not having a relationship.

He chose to have unprotected sex. He cannot blame this all on you.

He is blackmailing you with the words I don't want to split but...

He will have no choice but to pay for his children you already have 2. What is his plan? To see them but not the baby?

[HumblePieMonster]

Only you can decide if you want to terminate or not. Other people's views don't really count. Your body, your baby, your decision.

Yes, if you go against your dp's wishes, it might mean the end of the relationship. But can you live with yourself if you terminate?

My mum had two back-street abortions before I was born (so one in 1948 when she was fourteen and another between then and 1957). She didn't forget those experiences, nor did she talk about them to me, apart from dark hints. They were on her mind in the days before her death aged 79.

I don't tell you that to pressure you against termination. I'm saying make your own clear decision, for what you think is best, and be prepared to stick with it.

[allyjay]

Thank you for your replies. Yes we were very very foolish and I cannot stop berating myself over it. I agree with the poster that says he probably wants for me to hear his feelings as well. I just took umbrage at the word 'persuade' as though I am on trial ffs!!

And yes he chose to have unprotected sex, he knew the situation before we went ahead and that there was a possibility of a pregnancy however small. The splitting up remark DID feel like blackmail.

I will try and talk to him tonight about his feelings and fears.

[allyjay]

I had two abortions when I was very young and foolish and swore I would never do that to myself again after I went through hell and back. He knows this.

[VioletGoesVintage]

It doesn't really matter how you got pregnant. You are pregnant. And you're both equally responsible for it. Unfortunately for him, what happens to you is up to you alone. It just is. Of course you should listen to his views but ultimately you have to listen to your own heart. You have to live with yourself for a long time. Going against that is not something you are going to be able to rationalise easily, if at all.

Whatever happens your relationship may not survive. That sucks but that's how it is. As I said above, you're the only person you have to spend the rest of your life with.

No-one else - not him, not any of your other RL friends or family, and certainly none of us internet sprites - can tell you what to do. You're in a hard place right now and I really feel for you. Good luck but be strong.

[HumblePieMonster]

Many 'accepting' hugs for whatever you decide. It really does have to be your choice.

[Ifyoubuildit]

You are in a hard place and your relationship is at risk either way. Please contact Relate and organise some urgent counselling. Make sure they know the situation so that they can prioritise you if they have a waiting list.

[Matildathecat]

He's panicking. From your post I'm guessing you are coming up to around twelvish weeks? If so, he will be regarding this as the last chance that you might suddenly change your mind and terminate.

Yes, you do need an honest sit down discussion to both air your feelings. It must be very hard to hear that he wants you to do this but he won't be surprised that you won't.

Give this one time. He will come around and love the baby as much as you. Keep a watchful eye on your mental health. Best of luck.xx

< midwife, seen this one a lot of times>

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

He knew it was a possibility when he choose to have unprotected sex.

It is not down to you to persuade him that having this baby is a good idea, good idea or bad idea was decided at the point of choosing not to use a condom. End of.

This is YOUR body, YOUR decision. You cannot have another termination against your wishes. He knows how you feel about your previous terminations, it is not a giant leap to knowing you wouldn't have another one if you got pregnant FFS.

He is being a massively selfish wanker who needs to shape up fast or he might not be the one doing the 'threatening to leave'

[Ifyoubuildit]

And it is your choice but your DH's feelings should not be dismissed. He is feeling angry and out of control. He probably feels blackmailed into having the baby in the same way that you feel blackmailed into having a termination. If you're going to save your relationship you both need to understand where the other is coming from. Good luck OP

[gamescompendium]

You do need to chat but since you are now pregnant it is you who decides what to do with your body. If he doesn't want any more children he needs to go and get himself sorted so he can't make any more drunken mistakes he regrets. But this baby is coming so he needs to get his head round it. Look after yourself.

[allyjay]

Thanks everyone, reading all your replies is really helping. Massively selfish wanker made me chuckle. He is isn't he? Honestly if you add the amount of time he works, to his sporting and business activities, to his weekends away, it'll be a miracle if he even noticed another person in the house!!!

To those asking if a termination would ruin our relationship? I really, really don't know but I can't see it improving it.

I know he has concerns about my mental health and so do I, I did struggle when my youngest came along nearly four years ago, but my middle DC was only sound 21 months and was still a baby himself. I think he worries about this. But I got help and went on anti depressants and have honestly felt like a new person since then. I had to come off them recently due to this pregnancy and already am feeling a little anxious and down. The midwife and I have discussed me going back on them much later on in the pregnancy. So postnatally I hope to be in much better shape this time around.

[Vivacia]

He is being a massively selfish wanker who needs to shape up fast or he might not be the one doing the 'threatening to leave'

He might be. But he might equally feel that his hand is being forced and his very valid, loving concerns are not being listened to at all.

[Purpleroxy]

Perhaps when you had sex and he said he didn't want another baby, he took it as a tacit agreement that you would terminate if it happened. Tell him he has completely misunderstood the situation - whilst you would not have planned another baby or thought conception was likely, the decision is now starting from a different place - you are pregnant and so you need to go from there, not a theoretical discussion where you agree no more kids when you're not pregnant.

It's pretty clear cut to me - you don't want a termination so don't have one.

Terminations can wreck relationships just as babies can. I don't think the relationship outcome will be affected by whether you terminate or not, he's just using it to try and bring you round to his wishes. A threat really.

[Vivacia]

I think he worries about this.

I know you can't make any guarantees about your future healthy, but have you outlined the steps you are going to take to mitigate against PND? I say "are" because it sounds as though your decision to have the baby has been made, is that right?

[SolidGoldBrass]

You could point out to him that if he isn't prepared to accept the baby and be a good father to it you will dump him.
I was going to agree with the posters who say, he's entitled to his feelings and maybe he just wants to feel that you have listened to his concerns and sympathise with them, but given your last post about his selfishness, I would really suggest that you do what feels right for you and don't worry too much about him. It's never, ever a good idea to prioritize a relationship with a man over yourself or your children.

[Lweji]

You could point out to him that if he isn't prepared to accept the baby and be a good father to it you will dump him.

This.

he took a risk regarding pregancy. He chose not to wear a condom and he didn't think a morning after pill was necessary. From then on you have to accept the risk of a pregnancy and can't expect the woman to endure an abortion she doesn't want.

He should be persuading you not to have the baby, not you to have it.

[EverythingCounts]

It takes two to tango. He shouldn't be putting it all on you and you should not see what's happened or what might happen as your fault. I would keep the baby and tell him he will have to make his own decision but he should take responsibility for his own actions and feelings, not expect you to magically solve any inconvenience that comes his way

[Lweji]

Oh, and if he decides to stay, it should be in the condition he has a vasectomy.

[allyjay]

Vivacia - the first conversation I had with him, when I told him I was pregnant, I did say that I planned to back on the anti D's after my pregnancy. But since then I've seen the midwife and we have discussed me starting them again towards the end of the pregnancy and she has also referred me to an ante natal mental health specialist. He doesn't know this yet. This might make a difference to how he feels.

I think he might also bring up our other children and how it might affect them. My oldest did once say that she would leave home if I had another and makes it known how much she dislikes children and babies. So this prays on my mind a lot. That I maybe disadvantaging her. That I am a crap mum for even thinking of having another one. I worry that he will bring this up. I laugh at him being a selfish wanker but really I worry that I am, the selfish one I mean.

SGB - yes it has crossed my mind to dump him. In fact it is crossing it right now!

[Itsfab]

Please don't have a termination because he wants one, because he is trying to bully you into it, because you are worried about your mental health. The only reason should be if you want one and hopefully you would get better support this time.

If you have one, your lord and master will stay but will you feel the same about him? You could end up divorced if you can't forgive him for bullying you and you would have lost your baby for nothing. Literally as a man who tries to bully his wife into an abortion is nothing.

If you have this baby there is a tiny chance he will leave but I find it highly unlikely. While you shouldn't stay married because you don't want a divorce, two houses to run and fund and full custody at times, it is something he should be thinking about.

I have always been a great believer that a man should have equal say over his child - and had my thoughts published - but since I have grown up I realise it really has to be the mother that has the final say. A man can make sure a pregnancy never happens if they don't want a child. A woman can't ever walk away from giving birth once she is pregnant if abortion is not for her.