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People keep proposing to me then changing their mind....!!!!

(82 Posts)
MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 22:46:49

Little baffled here after two engagements to me have been broken and I wanted to know if anyone can help me understand.

I've been engaged twice.

The first one I was 19, he was 23 and we were together 4 years. Madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

The second one I was 32, he was 36 and we were together 4 years too. Again madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

I'm not a Runaway Bride or anything. Aside from these two men I have never loved anyone else and have only had a handful of semi long term relationships.

I've been through all the grieving and devastation but find myself feeling a bit paranoid that there's something wrong with me and that if I love someone again the same will happen to me.

I kind of understand the first guy as we were very young, but the second one is just really confusing.

In both cases / both relationships:

1. They were very good relationships -no fighting, no problems, getting on as well as when we first met, seen as extremely solid by friends and family, fantastic sex life still............ right until they ended. As in - there was no warning bells the relationships were in trouble.

2. The men chased / pursued me and seemed to have very intense sort of love for me (think Twilight Edward) so I found it very surprising that they both "stopped".

3. Physical attraction hadn't waned - in fact I know that both men still find me attractive and hit on me when I see them.

4. Both men were good guys. Not commitment-phobes or arseholes and were general slow, steady, thoughtful men who would not propose unless they were really serious

5. There was no other women involved.

I'm not stupid and I understand "things change" and the more someone gets to know you, or through life changes etc. that feelings can come and go but I thought overall that it worked like this:

a) If someone has proposed to you it has gone past the infatuation phase and they are fairly certain they want to spend the rest of their life with you after having gotten to know you intimately.

b) Something drastic should happen to pull them off that course that I would / should have been somehow aware of. Like for example a reduction in kisses or texts to say "I love you".

c) People aren't meant to just randomly stop loving people....are they?

I am really struggling with this to the point where I find myself genuinely sitting there wondering whether to try and turn gay to avoid being hurt like this again. I'm completely serious. It's that bad!

I just want to know what the mechanism is. Surely if you love someone very deeply / you are madly in love / you are getting on great / you are best friends / you fancy the pants off them / you think they are a fantastic person....then WHY would you propose to them and then change your mind?

I really do want to get married, but am scared of being engaged again. I am worried there's some sort of 4 year maximum a person can go out with me before they miraculously realise their mistake.

I know I never stopped loving either man, so don't really understand how / why they did.

Please help.

chaseface Wed 03-Sep-14 22:51:45

You can love someone and realise they're not the person you want to marry. People can feel they ought to propose and then realise it doesn't feel right. I'd say that's a particular risk for men around your second fiancee's age - men tend to marry in clusters.

QuintessentiallyQS Wed 03-Sep-14 22:53:42

You mention madly in love, good sex, strong intense attraction.

But, nothing about personality, common interests, likes and dislikes, outlook on life?

Did you start planning a wedding and discussing your futures during the engagements?

Did you live together?

Bogeyface Wed 03-Sep-14 22:56:50

2. The men chased / pursued me and seemed to have very intense sort of love for me (think Twilight Edward) so I found it very surprising that they both "stopped".

This is the big one for me. They enjoyed the chase, the thrill of trying to "catch" you and so got the huge rush when you got together, that culminated in your agreeing to be each mans wife. So that was that...no more chase, no more excitement. I hate to say this but it sounds like they confused adrenalin at chasing someone for true love, which is why the "love" died so quickly.

What you need to figure out is why you have only every truly loved the 2 men who could never ever commit to you. What was it about them that you found attractive? The chasing? Their desperation to have you and keep you? Something in both of them attracted you.

Oh and 2 broken engagements in 15 years is hardly "people keep breaking engagements"! I thought you were going to say at least 5 or 6. Sense of persepctive, eh? wink

BeCool Wed 03-Sep-14 22:57:35

it's sounds like they are both still in your life - could you ask them?

Bogeyface Wed 03-Sep-14 22:58:45

And yes, btw, they are both commitmentphobes. Saying they want to get married is a whole other ball game to actually doing it and seeing it through. I bet they both have far more broken engagements than you have!

BeCool Wed 03-Sep-14 23:02:05

I agree with Bogey on point 2 above - thrill of the chase etc.

And as you describe them as 'nice guys' etc this is probably why things went on for so long as they didn't want to be seen by friends/family etc to let you down.

You say there was no fighting but did you ever argue/have difference of opinion etc with your partners and if not why not?

BigPawsBrown Wed 03-Sep-14 23:02:34

Were they under any pressure to propose?

TheNewSchmoo Wed 03-Sep-14 23:03:25

It all sounds a bit Mills and Boon, perfect Rose Coloured spectacles and quite a childish approach to what love should be. Perhaps you were so wrapped up in your idealised relationship that you couldn't see it wasn't perfect, well not for your partners anyway.

Plus the comment about turning gay to avoid hurt is ludicrous. And offensive.

MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 23:03:39

Thanks for responding.

In both cases our personalities just clicked and still do. Both men still call me for chats. In both cases we were friends for a bit first.

The first one was young love, so no, not living together or making concrete wedding plans.

The second one, yes, we lived together for 2.5 years before he proposed so he knew me pretty much as well as you can know a person. We liked mostly the same sorts of things. We liked the same people. Had a lot of fun together. We were making firm wedding plans and he was excited about it and keen on visiting venues. He was also going around telling anyone who'd listen from the woman in the co-op to his Mum that he couldn't wait to marry me. We could tell each other anything. We respected each other. We were close with each other's families. Most people I knew almost died of shock when he called it off...as did I.

Very suddenly he didn't love me any more.

MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 23:04:03

Sorry missed a lot of posts there when I was typing. Will read them now

BeCool Wed 03-Sep-14 23:05:04

Oh I missed that bit Schmoo - yep OP that is pretty bad form.

Lweji Wed 03-Sep-14 23:09:04

I'm with Bogey (was about to post something very similar, so I won't).

And that is why they still hit on you when you meet.

BTW, turning gay won't prevent heartaches.

FushandChups Wed 03-Sep-14 23:09:51

Same sex couples hurt each other too, you know hmm

Lweji Wed 03-Sep-14 23:10:41

Have they got married?

Bogeyface Wed 03-Sep-14 23:13:42

They keep in touch to know that they have still "got" you.

If you said to them both "I dont want to keep in touch anymore, it isnt helping me to move on" then I can guarantee that they would both be desperately trying to get back together with you. Then once they are sure they have "won", they will be off again.

I think you need some therapy to work out why you feel for them both and why you dont feel able to do what you need to do, which is tell them both the fuck off.

MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 23:15:05

Let me try and answer everyone.

Bogeyface, thanks but I don't really understand. Does that mean they never deeply loved me? Just a chase all the way? Why do that for four years? Surely just propose after six months and be done with it? And how can you be with someone that long and not grow to deeply love them? I find love completely baffling. Isn't that deeper love and attachment based on shared experiences / time together and that grow from the "in love" feeling you have at first? Also no, neither one commitment phobes. The first one was only engaged twice and married the second woman he proposed to :/. The second man was married before me for 8 years and has also only ever been engaged twice.

BeCool, I asked the first one at the time and he said it was because I was an uni miles away and practicalities etc. I asked the second one and he said it was because he realised he didn't love me the way he thought he did but that all the way through the relationship until about 3 weeks before he left, he had genuinely believed I was "the one". He has no explanation for his realisation that I wasn't. No, I never argued with either of them. They were both not the arguing type of person. I think I am attracted to that because I had a very abusive childhood verbally and hate shouting.

Bigpawsbrown - no not all.

Thenewschmoo - I was being very serious about that, not flippant. I am finding myself genuinely not attracted to men because of trust issues now and was seriously considering a same sex relationship because I feel generally women might communicate better or be easier to understand.

JustDontWantToSay Wed 03-Sep-14 23:15:14

Oh for goodness sake, the gay comment wasn't intended to be offensive, it was written by someone in deep emotional pain. I'm sure that in years to come she wouldn't write that. Honestly, some people are just looking to be offended! Ditto with the "you were only engaged twice" comment. I think in this situation once is bad enough, twice means the pain doesn't double, it is x 1000s! Have a heart.

MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 23:17:57

Yes exactly....was most definitely not intended as a joke or to be offensive.

And i don't really understand...if I thought the relationship was perfect, why would they not tell me if it wasn't perfect for them?

Or maybe I am picking men who don't say what they really think? All a bit unfair if that's the case?

IrenetheQuaint Wed 03-Sep-14 23:18:08

I can assure you that lesbians cause each other just as much pain and confusion as heterosexuals!

NicolaLesley123 Wed 03-Sep-14 23:20:24

I haven't got the answers for you as from what you describe your relationships were going well, and the break ups were a shock to you. Did either man not explain their reasons when they called off the engagement? I think they owed you that at least if it was their decision.
It is a scary concept being married to someone for the rest of your life so it may well be that they were commitment-phobes!!

MinnieMousers Wed 03-Sep-14 23:21:31

Having a broken engagement is a pretty horrible thing. It's not the same as being dumped. I've been dumped a fair few times. Having a broken engagement is completely humiliating. Ringing up cancelling stuff and telling friends and family. Changing your status on Facebook and removing your profile photo where you're clinking champagne glasses. It's embarrassing, devastating, horrible. Having it done twice by people you really loved makes you feel like there's something seriously wrong with you. Especially when it comes from nowhere without you knowing there's a problem.

BeCool Wed 03-Sep-14 23:22:26

so you seriously think people can "turn gay" on a whim, and gay relationships don't involve heartbreak?

Preciousbane Wed 03-Sep-14 23:22:50

Sounds almost too perfect while it was good, people need the occasional argument.

I'm always surprised that men like me as I am quite awkward. I wasn't when very young but had my heart utterly obliterated by my abusive exH and it changed me. No one wants an utter bastard as a partner but are you incredibly willing and compliant all the time, too eager to please?

NicolaLesley123 Wed 03-Sep-14 23:23:32

Sorry just read your comment about their history.
The first one may well have been too young but the second owes you an explanation.
Men are very confusing so I get your gay comment - I've said it many times myself ha ha

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