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Gutted

(381 Posts)
Billy70 Wed 03-Sep-14 12:29:34

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

sweetums55 Wed 03-Sep-14 12:32:40

How awful for you.
But "He doesn't want to move out".
Of course not.
He wants his reliable, homely wife and his bit of fun stuff at the same time.
In short, he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Not acceptable and will definitely end badly.

Fooso Wed 03-Sep-14 12:36:38

I feel for you and have been there. my advice would be this : you could both recover from this BUT Only if he wants to work with you. I know you love him but it takes both of you to get through this otherwise you will be heartbroken all over again x doesnt sound like he does sad good luck

Billy70 Wed 03-Sep-14 12:43:40

Thanks for first two replies. Appreciate it.
I'm getting the impression you think he's just biding his time, he's in no rush to move out but ultimately he will...? Currently he says children are too young (6,8,10) for him to leave as it will upset them too much to shuffle around between us. Also a lot of work for him when he has them at that age - easier I guess when they are slightly older. He's just thinking about himself isn't it?

CharlieSaysAlwaysTellYourMummy Wed 03-Sep-14 12:46:14

Don't wait for him to tell you what he wants, or tell you he is sorry. He is SHOWING you what he wants and showing you what his priorities are. Look at what he does not what he says, that is how you'll know what you need to.

So, no more waiting for him, what do you want? How do you want to move forward? You can still do this right for your children. You can make it OK for them. You are their world, you both are but you can still keep them feeling secure by having a very grown up break up.

I am so sorry this must be devastating. He is a massive douche. Don't forget that.

MrsSlave Wed 03-Sep-14 12:53:52

Oh my goodness. shock

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I would tell him to leave immediately. He needs to start feeling the coincidences of his actions - NOW!
This behaviour from him, not to mention the lack of respect for you is disgraceful. He is not the man you thought he was. He never will be. You married a liar, a betrayer. Please don't subject yourself or your children to this man in your immediate lives anymore. thanks

Billy70 Wed 03-Sep-14 12:58:13

Thanks Charlie. He SAYS by staying in the marital home and bed he's showing commitment and I must wait for him to (maybe) resume our marriage again properly. He needs time, he says. Time to decide if she's worth leaving for?

He is calling all the shots, I know that.

He says it would be ideal all round if we got back on track as no expensive messy divorce (he wouldn't be amicable, I know that & he knows that), no upset, no money spilt (that annoys him big time), no upset children, long term happy families at weddings, christenings, childrens school plays etc. Convenient!

I'm not allowed to ask too many questions as "it pisses me off". Charming.

To be honest I'm not quite sure what I want right now. Ultimately stay together and be happy again is my gut instinct. I know our marriage would never be the same - it would have to be different.

I appreciate your viewpoints MNers!

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Sep-14 13:00:40

If he's "besotted with her" I'd kick him out. What an arsehole.

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:01:54

First of all, no matter what happens...put him out.

He has no business living with you while conducting an affair!! That he has persuaded you that it's acceptable is jawdropping! He's not staying for the kids...he's staying because it suits him!

He's exploiting your feelings of love and loss to keep him in the lifestyle to which he is comfortably accustomed, while keeping his dick wet elsewhere.
If you do nothing else decisive right now, put him on the other side of that front door.

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:03:03

Thanks Charlie. He SAYS by staying in the marital home and bed he's showing commitment and I must wait for him to (maybe) resume our marriage again properly. He needs time, he says. Time to decide if she's worth leaving for?

<SCREAMS!>

What's your address? I'll put him out myself. angry

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:05:30

Oh and for all my bluster...have a virtual hug. This is bloody awful for you.
I'm so sorry. He's a fuck faced shit.

NickiFury Wed 03-Sep-14 13:05:33

Christ on a bike I can barely believe what I am reading. Who the f*ck does this man think he is? shock

The only possible way that this could be salvageable and even then it might not work, is to chuck him out lock stock and barrel right now. MAKE him go, show him what his life is now. It's not lolling around in the family home, having the best of both worlds it's moving, it's not living full time with his children in his comfy nice house. He's checked out emotionally, time for him to check out physically. You may find that helps to clear his mind somewhat. Maybe not but nothing can be worse than being forced to do the Pick Me dance.

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:08:08

Oh please no...not the Pick Me Dance.
However much you are tempted OP....don't do it.

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:11:49

For you OP - to help with your resolve. x

MrBusterIPresume Wed 03-Sep-14 13:12:47

OP so sorry that this is happening to you. He is, as I think you realise, being a selfish, self-serving, manipulative arse. The words "cake", "have" and "eat" spring instantly to mind.

He SAYS by staying in the marital home and bed he's showing commitment and I must wait for him to (maybe) resume our marriage again properly.

No, that's not commitment, that's called hedging your bets.

He says it would be ideal all round if we got back on track

Ideal for whom? Oh, wait a minute...

I'm not allowed to ask too many questions as "it pisses me off".

As you say, charming! He wants you to put and shut up.

I think you need to seriously consider asking him to leave. I speak from experience when I say it is difficult to get your head around things and think straight when they are still there playing happy families, or (worse) playing the victim.

He DOES NOT get to decide whether he moves out or not. Or that the children are too young for you to separate (even if it is just temporarily). Or that the children are too much work for him to look after on his own. HIS ACTIONS caused this situation, and he does not get to dictate either the consequences or your reactions. If you think you might want to repair your relationship, he should move out because he needs a stark dose of reality in terms of what he stands to lose unless he starts showing some genuine remorse.

Billy70 Wed 03-Sep-14 13:17:29

I've heard of the Pick Me Dance and found myself ordering new silk underwear the other day! How did my life sink to this?

He won't leave (well not for now) as "its half my house".

I think you are right though other MNposters - he just wants to stay here until he's comfortable with leaving. He's very immature - even before all this happened - he always seemed very young at times.

I can't physically throw him out, he's a judo black belt. I'm worried children will be upset that "mummy told daddy not to live here anymore". He said he would tell them I threw him out and they'd hate me for doing that. I know, I know he's bullying me.

gamerchick Wed 03-Sep-14 13:17:41

Have you told anybody IRL OP? You need support.. The more people who know the more it'll reinforce how unacceptable what he is asking you to do is.

I agree though.. I know you think and want there to be hope for your marriage but he needs bringing down a few pegs.

Put him out and surround yourself with friends and family for the minute. You'll live this limbo for to long otherwise.

middlethird Wed 03-Sep-14 13:21:01

oh my god OP. Take control, it's the only way! I second every single poster!!!!

losthermind Wed 03-Sep-14 13:22:01

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED LIKE A MUG!!!!!!!!
Your BASTARD husband obviously has no respect for you or the DC, at least respect yourself .
How on earth are you going to be able to look yourself in the eye knowing what your putting up with?????
Love isn't everything, a relationship cannot be sustained mustering that alone, and if I am going to be honest he obviously cannot love you or he would not have done this let alone carry on with your knowledge!!!!!
Do you think DC are really going to thank you in the long run, because you are going to end living a miserable existence because the knowledge of what he getup to will consume you.
I HONESTLY URGE YOU TO CLAW BACK SOME OF THE PLAYING CARDS AND KICK THE FUCKER RIGHT TO THE CURB!

middlethird Wed 03-Sep-14 13:22:39

and what a COMPLETE FUCKING ARSEHOLE!!!!!!!!!

Pinkfrocks Wed 03-Sep-14 13:24:05

No one can put a man out if he doesn't want to go. It's legally his home and he is entitled to stay in it.
A wife can ask but he doesn't have to do what she asks.
I'm not supporting him one bit - but we need realism as well.

He has 2 clear choices- end the affair and stay with you, or move out and continue the affair.

If he is saying he needs time to decide then that to me would be the time to instigate a legal separation - even if living in the same house- because he doesn't sound sorry or sure that he wants you.

Sorry- it must be horrible but maybe if you can try to detach from the emotions and put your energy into the practical stuff for a few days- see a solicitor, and assume the marriage is over- even if it's not- then those actions might shock him into making up his silly mind.

NickiFury Wed 03-Sep-14 13:24:19

You're fogged up. You're scared of what he is telling you to be scared of because he has such a hold over you.

This is what you need to say.

Him:- your kids will hate you if you throw me out.

You:- no, they'll hate you when they get older and realise why

Then engage no further.

I would also see a solicitor too. That should focus his mind. Are you scared of him physically?

pictish Wed 03-Sep-14 13:25:00

He certainly is bullying you.
Don't support him in using those kids to keep you in line!
He did this. Him. It's not your responsibility.

MrBusterIPresume Wed 03-Sep-14 13:26:26

If you have asked him to leave and he won't, then that is more blatant disrespect towards you.

If he really won't leave despite you asking him to, then you could tell him that because you need some space to think adn decide what you want, you are going to behave as if he has respected your wishes and left. So - you sleep separately, you don't do anything for him (cooking, laundry, etc), you agree on how to divide up time spent with the DCs. What you do not do is continue on as before - there have to be some consequences for him.

Iconfuseus Wed 03-Sep-14 13:26:50

I'm a big fan of endeavouring to keep a marriage together no matter the circumstances, but I don't see how you can do that when one partner is so blatantly putting no effort in. You can't forgive someone who doesn't think they've done anything wrong.

I wouldn't kick him out yet because that doesn't really serve you well in my opinion.

I think you need to be as cool and calm about this as you can be. I would heartily suggest seeing a lawyer ASAP. Google one and make an appointment today. Don't tell him you are doing this and don't let him find out. Get all your facts straight and find out where you stand legally and financially. His 'it's half my house' statements leads me to believe he'll be a pain to get maintenance from if you do split.

Try to arrange speaking to a counsellor if you can, on your own. You need somebody impartial who can help you get through this.

I wish you all the best.

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