Upcoming shuttle mediation meeting with Toad

[Karenthetoadslayer]

In one hour and I am getting a bit shaky. He is going to annihilate me!

[WellWhoKnew]

He is not going to annihilate you.

Firstly, coming from a training course I did years ago on negotiation: if you go in believing he has all the power - you relinquish your power.

You have things he wants. Mostly these relate to control.

Go in hoping for the best - that this will give you what you need. If he won't entertain it, then there's nothing you can do.

Mediators are trained professionals. They will facilitate this properly - it's their professional pride at stake after all.

If he wants to dictate terms, he won't be allowed to.

And shuttle mediation is very limiting. You don't have to deal with him directly. You do have to turn up, smile, state your case calmly and then go home go about your day, knowing that you've completed another step to independence.

Good luck Karen - you don't need it, but anything extra is a bonus!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not sure of the context but you sound very anxious. If it's a professional mediator they should not allow things to get to a point where anyone is annihilating anyone else. If you are uncomfortable with the way things are going at any stage, simply call a halt.

I don't know what you're in mediation about but, generally speaking, it is not a recommended solution if either party is unreasonable or uncooperative.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If there has been any type of abuse within the relationship mediation is not recommended at all.

[scarletforya]

No he won't! He's a TOAD! You're the ToadSlayer!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Shuttle' is the type where you don't meet face to face, is that right? So it'll be just you and a mediator going through a proposal?

[Twinklestein]

From a quick look at earlier threads it seems that he was abusive & violent, in which case any kind of mediation, even non-contact, is not a good idea.

You don't have to put yourself in a position where you feel you will be 'annihiliated' - that's just further abuse. You could just leave your solicitor to deal with it.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Have just got there and I am waiting now reading your messages.

[lunar1]

Hope it goes ok, you really shouldn't have to do this if he has been abusive.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

This is shuttle mediation regarding contact with the children. He has not seen them since last year in November when we were granted the occupation order on the house. He wants to reestablish contact with the children and has suggested and is paying for shuttle mediation.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And what do you anticipate he will have put forward that is 'annihilating'?

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Ultimately the children decide this for themselves anyway. I am now sitting in one room and waiting. I have arrived early to avoid having to see him at all.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would let him waste his own money and this is all being done by him to further punish you. He likely does not give a fig for his children, have they been actually consulted about him wanting to see them now after nearly a year of no contact.

What legal advice has already been sought on this matter, what has your Solicitor or CAFCASS said?.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Toad is unpredictable and entirely unreasonable. No idea what he has concocted in his sick mind now. The obvious thing he will say is that I have poisoned the children against him etc ...

[Karenthetoadslayer]

My solicitor and I have decided that I can just as well do this to see what he wants.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A professional mediator will have heard all this before. If the children are old enough to decide for themselves where they want to be and if he has been out of contact for the thick end of a year already, that's going to trump any ridiculous accusations. Have some confidence in yourself and the mediator.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

The children don't want to see him at all and they will be asked, of course. He is of course making the financial settlement depending on contact. I am of course not selling the children.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Thank you Cogito

Toad has just arrived and is upstairs with the mediator.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Rereading your post WWK

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Hope it goes well for you.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Thank you, getting a bit nervous now.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

He must have a lot to say - the mediator has still not returned!

[scarletforya]

It'll be over soon OP.

[thenamehaschanged]

Good luck Karen the Toad Slayer!! He's the toad, you are not!! X

[DeputyPecksBentBeak]

All the best. You will not be annihilated. Only give what you want to.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would not give an inch here.

Hopefully this mediator will see through Toad and see him for what he really is. This so called mediation was never in anyone's interests except his own; he just wants to manipulate the authorities to show them that you are truly "mad" and that he is "saintly". It goes without saying that he will completely disagree with anything that you say.