This won't work - separated husband wanting family time

[justfoundout2014]

I have had several threads about former sahp H who had an affair with a mutual friend, mainly when I was at work. He has now moved out to a friend's place and, as he still has no job, is coming back here to do before and after school care. I am really struggling with it. Every time I see him, it sets me back. I either find him cold or standoffish, or, if he is clearly trying to be nice, that upsets me too. He says he doesn't know how to be around me atm.

At weekends, his idea is that we still spend time as a family, so on Sunday we spent most of the day at a country park and then he made tea. Then he had to catch the bus home while the dc were in the bath. I cry every time he leaves.

When he left, he said he wanted to work on the marriage and that it would only be for six months. We need a break, apparently. A break from what? I know it is most likely that he is seeing ow, but he says it's not about her, but that she is now a good friend . He has 'hardly seen her' .

On the one hand, it is better for the dc like this as normality is almost preserved but it is hell for me and probably lulling the dc into a false sense of security. We both agreed it would be better for the dc if we separated due to the 'atmosphere', but this way, they are still exposed to it - though they seem happy and, I feel, don't seem aware that their whole way of life hangs in the balance.

I don't know what to do. Childcare is so expensive and with him not working, no maintenance means it's just impossible for me to not let him do the childcare. He is looking for work, but wants to do fairly specific things. If I stopped him coming at weekends, the children would suffer as he has nowhere suitable to take them atm. I feel so trapped. it is like I am expected to maintain everything so he doesn't have to face the reality of what he has done. His dm has offered me money to do some jobs around the house, and I feel her motive is the same - to enable me to keep everything as it is so her access to her dgc is not disrupted.

I don't know how I can do my job in these circumstances - mentally and just the practicalities of fitting it all in without the domestic support he used to give.

I feel so desperately trapped and can see no way out. Please help.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He has to get a job and you have to get childcare. His weekends pretending all is cosy have to stop... give him some motivation to shift himself to get a place. Have you looked into Tax Credits until he can start contributing? It's going to be massively inconvenient all round but you can't possibly embark on a new independent life when you have him hanging around like a bad smell.

[Twinklestein]

The point at which he started fucking your friend is the point at which he lost the right to family time at weekends. That ends now. At least if you only see him during weekday handover time that would be better than spending the day with him, and be firm that he leaves as soon as you get home.

If he has no money he will just have to do things with them that are free. You're basically funding his time with his children. Options are limited for an unemployed father and he has to face the consequence of his choices. It may be that having to take the kids to the park and museums constantly is the only thing that will propel him into a job.

I agree with pp that he needs to get a job and you need to get childcare, but I remember his vast sense of entitlement from your previous thread, and as long as you continue to effectively bankroll him, or at least his time with the kids, he doesn't have much incentive.

Bugger the 6 months trial, call his bluff and end it now.

[PurpleWithRed]

Sorry but you are no longer a family, so family time has to stop. If he has to come to your house then can you go somewhere else?

I can't see him changing anything - you've got to drive this.

[starlight1234]

I agree for your own sanity you need to separate time.

Do look at WTC...Also you may find getting him to do the morning care. you leave the house as he arrives then pay for after school may be more affordable.

I also agree while his lifestyle is not changing for been unemployed and separated why should he change anything.

I remember my Ex saying how good it was for us to be at soft play together I pointed out had we still been together I would of been there on my own. May be relevant may not

[bloodyteenagers]

Why would be carry on being a bit wet and allowing him to call the shots.
Sorry, but he fucked another woman. It doesn't matter how he feels. His wants etc. He betrayed your trust. He put your health at risk from screwing someone else. He felt nothing of you to do this. He showed no respect to his wife and mother of his children.

The little weekend family time stops. He wants to spend time with his children, then you make arrangements that is agreeable to all of you. This does not include your time at all. If he cannot think of places to take the children, well he is going to have to step up and really engage his brain, because he should really have thought about this before thinking with his dick.

Oh and how gracious of him to not see the woman that he fucked as much.. If he valued you at all, he would be NC with her.. As for having a break, he's having a laugh. Tell him to jog on.

And yes, tax credits. Child care vouchers. Anything. There's help out there. Access it. Depending on your rent and income you might be able to get help with the rent. Of course assuming you are renting.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"Family time" needs to mean him spending time with his kids, not you.

Can he pick up the kids from school and take them somewhere that's not your house and you collect them from there? He's got to be kept out of your home, your sanctuary.

I think you need to disabuse him of this stupid idea of this separation being for six months "working on the marriage". He's left the family home, your marriage is over so there's nothing to work on. All that is left is to sort out the practical arrangements. And him earning a bloody crust so he can make a contribution to supporting his children.

Be clear or suffer more than you're suffering now.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Given the current economic climate, it may well take a while for him to get a job, even if he is genuinely trying to do so, so I would suggest you make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to in the way of tax credits, benefits etc. And even if he is currently on the dole, he is legally obliged to give you a percentage of what he gets as his contribution to the children's upkeep.
Remember that it's not up to him to decide that the marriage is not over. You do not need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him, and you can calmly and firmly refuse to spend any time with him.

[Joysmum]

It isn't healthy for you to be maintaining that sort of normality. You don't want your children to see your relationship with your H as normal.

Co-parent your children separately.

[justfoundout2014]

Thank you. I know you are all right, but it just feels so impossible at the moment. I have looked into what I am entitled to, and it covers about a third of the childcare - and that is care that doesn't really suit my needs and, in the morning, gets me into school (teacher) about 15 mins before the bell goes, meaning I would be late if ever there was bad traffic etc. I have looked for child minders instead, but they are all unavailable/don't do drop-offs at the dc's school etc.

House is mortgaged and I can afford it without h (he had no income, obviously) but not with such a high childcare bill I have to fund alone - at least, not while I am still paying off the credit cards we have (about £5000, my name only).

I feel so alone. We are relatively new to this area and I don't really know anyone local. I love my job and the people I work with, but there is a limit to how much I can talk about this at work. I also feel I can't ring up friends who are further away constantly, either.

I have asked for counselling at my GP because I feel trapped and hopeless. It just feels like any kind do-able life is over. I would probably be better off if I went part-time and got more tax credits, but even if my head allowed it (very unlikely) it would be the end of my career along with everything else. I just don't get how he could do this to me and to what we had.

Sorry for the negative whine.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There is one possibility, assuming your income is not going to change. You could potentially reduce your costs and settle your debts i.e. downsize. Is there equity in your home? Could you rent more cheaply? As a teacher your skills are very transferrable and, if you've only just moved to the area and have few real ties, moving to a cheaper location is another option.

It ultimately boils down to how tolerable or intolerable the status quo is. And I would say that if you're so broken that you're asking your GP for psychiatric help it is intolerable and you have to start thinking of more drastic measures.

[freeandhappy]

If he sees the children all week then you could do alternate weekends with them. Then he can figure out what to do with them outside of your house without you paying or getting involved while you loll in bed or whatever. On your weekends you can just hang out at yours with your children without him and see how it feels, you might love it and it will give you some space to figure out what you want. I think you should use this situation to your maximum advantage. It's great kids still have their dad around, you have (reliable?) childcare, and you will soon start to enjoy your own company and have the chance to have a nice relationship with your kids on your terms. Don't despair things will get better. Time always changes and eases even tough situations. I love a bit of space to myself and not having to go round boring parks as a miserable couple, hellish atmosphere in car etc never again

[kaykayblue]

Hi OP. Firstly as others have said, you need to stop letting him carry on pretty much as before. His family time should be with the children - not with you, and certainly not in your home. He can take them to museums, or the park, or even his parent's house if he has nowhere suitable. But he DOESN'T get to intrude on your space. Likewise, the children really need to get used to seeing you separately, otherwise they aren't going to know wtf is going on. Will it be difficult for them? Well probably a little, but they will be absolutely fine in the medium/long term. And you have to believe that your mental welfare isn't worth sacrificing for their blissful ignorance. Because it isn't. Is that problematic for your ex? TOUGH SHIT.

I think you need to speak to a lawyer - Personally, in this situation I think that selling the house and downsizing would be the best option for you.

I know you aren't comfortable discussing this in depth with your colleagues, but it might be worth asking how they juggle child care with getting to work on time - I am pretty certain that you aren't going to be the only single parent in the school. They might be able to help, or they might not, but it's certainly worth asking.

You are not trapped. You are feeling like that because you don't feel that you can take any action without rocking the boat. But for your own sake you need to stop worrying about that, and whilst it might be scary, and a bit difficult sometimes, it will be a whole lot better than staying with the loser who shagged around.

[scarletforya]

He is looking for work, but wants to do fairly specific things

Tough shit. He doesn't get to be picky. He's got dc to support. He needs to get off his arse and do any job to bring in money.

As for leaving fir six months. Who the hell does he think he is? He destroyed the marriage. He doesn't get to decide that he 'might come back after six months'. Arse hole.

He's just keeping his options open, probably while OW strings him along. Don't be his backup plan Op.

There will be a way. He has made this mess. He doesn't get to keep all the nice parts of family life and suffer no consequences.

[petalsandstars]

Nothing really different to add to above but just wanted to reiterate that you must put an end to his idea if family time at the weekend.

He fucked your friend

There is no coming back from that. He ended family time by his choice to do that.

Nothing has really changed for him. Now you must make it change for you. Can you get the kids into after school or breakfast clubs? Ask other people if there's any word of mouth childcare about? He can do childcare when you are not there - but his contact time at the weekend is not your problem. They can go to PIL if his room is not suitable.

And get yourself a SHL - you're going to need one

[rainbowinmyroom]

He wants to not work and still fuck your friend but keep you as an option, too.

It doesn't work that way.

I would see a lawyer, you can get half an hour free, about filing for divorce, selling the house and getting his contact set out as a real agreement.

[LuvDaMorso]

Ask everyone you meet about childminders, breakfast clubs etc.

I found my lovely CM by word of mouth. My friend got a great CM when her friend (who used to be a nanny before having DC) decided to become a CM and have other friends children as her first mindees. Neither of us would have found them through normal listings etc.

That said, PPs are probably right, sell up, pay off the credit card, move somewhere smaller. It may help you to start afresh and help the children and stbx to understand.

[Quitelikely]

You really need to face the reality of the situation. You say he does but so do you. The reality at the moment is you need to organise childcare before and after school. You say you could possibly do it yourself before school so I think you should have a word with your boss and explain your predicament. Lots of folk face the possibility of being a tad late occasionally and their employers have to show a degree of flexibility.

The after school care: have you tried placing an ad in the childcare section of gumtree? Or placing a notice in the dc school to see if anyone knows anybody who can help.

I have read some of your threads and I know you're desperately sad and unhappy with all that has happened but I think that you are prolonging your own distress by letting things remain as they are.

If your dh comes back to you the dynamics in your marriage will have changed and I wonder if you realise what that would mean for you on a daily basis. The anger, the mistrust - it will all still be there.

By having this much contact with your ex you will never be able to move on. Nor do I think it's helpful to you that he has given you a six month timescale regarding a decision on your marriage.

Take your future and put it in your own hands. Then move forward. Without him.

Good luck with it all

[SolidGoldBrass]

Could you take in a lodger who will do childcare? If you have a spare room you might be able to find someone who is (eg) stsudying for a childcare qualification and looking for a room to rent.
You might need to check this out with the mortgage company, particularly as your XH is likely to try and make it awkward for you to do so as it will interfere with his intentions to keep his feet under your table. However what he wants doesn't matter.

[Littlef00t]

How much would an au pair be and how would this cost compare?

[MrsJoeDolan]

Au pair is a good idea.

[AnyFucker]

You would be very foolish to play at Happy Families with a man that fucked your friend while you were out at work

In fact, I would say you were doing your children no favours at all by modelling such dysfunction

No more

[Bproud]

I would be inclined to make use of him to mind the children in the mornings - ie you leave the house as soon as he arrives, he gets them breakfast and off to school, that would mean you could get into work earlier, do some of your planning/marking in the mornings and therefore leave earlier in the evening, cutting the child care need (cost) in the evenings.
Use after school clubs for cheaper care in the afternoons and yes put formal contact arrangements in place for the weekends, where he has to take them out.

[titchy]

I was going to suggest au pair too! If you find the whole thing too daunting just make one change for now - the family weekends. Stop them now. He sees them plenty in the week. He can see them every other weekend from now on. If he has nowhere for them to stay that's his lookout. He'll have to pick them up and drop them back at the end of the day.

Once this is established then look into an au pair.