Collateral Damage

[Gina111]

One year after my divorce a close friend introduced me to a male friend who had split from his wife several years before.

He seemed interesting and attractive, and my friend talked only positively about him.

After the third date when asking when he divorced, he was honest and told me that he and his wife had not divorced but were separated and lived separately. He inferred they led separate lives but co-operated for their children’s sake. My friend who had known him for many years confirmed this account.

Several things occurred which made me doubt this, but my friend always convinced me it was true. She had been very supportive during my divorce and I trusted her. Eventually I found evidence that he was spending time with his wife. I felt betrayed, not just by the man, but by my friend, even though it is possible that she was misled by the man. I have broken up with the man, but feel it will be difficult to sustain a relationship with my friend. She is still trying to justify his behaviour “it’s a pity because you cared about each other” and it feels as if a large elephant will be in the room now.

It is difficult to find out that the relationship with the man was based on deception but even worse to find I am on the brink of losing a close and valued friendship. I am not sure if I should try and preserve the relationship with my friend or go with gut feeling that her loyalty is with him.

[CagneynotLacey]

What makes you think that her loyalty may lie with him? Is it not more likely that he misled her too, as you suggest?
It just seems odd to me that she has been a good friend to you and supported you yet, on this occasion, deceives you. It makes no sense...unless you're thinking that she likes him herself?
More likely that the man kept her in the dark as much as you esp if she was introducing him to her available friends.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

Also when you say 'spending time with his wife' in what way? If they have DC sometimes that's necessary and in no way untoward.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sounds as though her loyalty is more with a romantic dream she had about bringing the two of you together, which for some weird reason she won't let go of even in the teeth of the evidence. She may be one of those people who mean well but have a rather tenuous grasp of reality.

[Gina111]

Thanks everyone for your balanced comments. I think what upset me was that she didn't seem surprised or even concerned about the lying and still tried to suggest it was a pity the relationship hadn't survived. On the other hand it's possible my anger towards him is leaking into areas where it doesn't need to be.

[EarthWindFire]

Eventually I found evidence that he was spending time with his wife.

Well if they are co-parenting then they could very well be speeding time together. Depends what your 'evidence' is.

[EarthWindFire]

*spending

[Gina111]

Theend and Earth.

It's an open and shut case with him. The contact was not to do with co-parenting which I would absolutely expect and respect.

My concern is the situation with my friend - it seemed odd that if she was being lied to by him as well, she didn't seem particularly bothered. That's the part that is unsettling.

[Meerka]

If your gut instinct is saying that something is off, then listen to it. It does seem very odd that she's not taking into account that he actively lied. She convinced you your doubts were needless; ok, she may have genuinely believed it too. But if you are now absolutely certain he lied, you'd expect her to be pretty shocked and pretty unimpressed by him.

She's obviously been a very good friend in the past, a true friend, but at this stage I think you have to mistrust her judgement of who might be good for you. Not being bothered that you were consistently lied to and deceived is ... yeah. Strange.

[Hesaysshewaffles]

My divorce isn't through but I still spend time with my ex, doesn't mean I want a relationship with him....

[Gina111]

Thanks Meerka. I think I must be blind to something crucial in the situation (scurries back to darkened room to ruminate further).

[Meerka]

Does she not really believe he's still kind of with her? Does she think that he's separated, but that you don't fully believe it so that you've split up but it wsn't really necessary? Does she want to find someone so badly for you that she'll settle for anyone? Does she want him to find someone so badly that she's not thinking clearly?

[Gina111]

She has a good sense of what has been going on although since his emotional and physical unavailability became clear early this year (if I am honest, probably long before) I limited what I said to her as I didn't want to complain about someone she still saw regularly and talked about positively.

He also made it clear that he did not speak to her about me, I think the implication being he did not want me to speak to her about him. Not that that itself would have stopped me - it was more I didn't want to be complaining to someone who had talked about the possibility of the relationship for a while before the introduction and who seemed so happy when it was going well at the beginning.

It may be that her boundaries, at least the ones that she is applying to me, are different to my own. Maybe she thinks this is my last chance!

[Meerka]

she may be a very good friend overall but in this one case is a bit blinded. If possible I'd see it as a case that no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. In this case, this relationship or non-relationship, is hers. Doesn't need to break the friendship, but it will redefine it slightly: she means very well for you, but her judgement on possible relationships is not overly reliable when she's friends with both parties.

[Gina111]

Thank you. I think this is the best way to view it. She has been an amazing friend.