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Relationships

confused and in need

2 replies

Milkaaa · 02/09/2014 15:18

I have been with my H for 5 years now. We have 2 DD (1 and 4). It has always been a difficult relationship, but just recently it got really bad to the point of him telling me that he made mistake marring me. He has always told me that we were not compatible. Why to marry me then??? Him saying that would come from the smallest problems blown out of proportion.

He tells me to shut up if I do not have anything relevant to say. Last time it was over our daughters drink - he gave her full cup while she was sitting on the sofa, she spilled it and when I said you gave her too much he shouted at me 'what do u mean too much, shut up when u do not know what to say' To him she spilled it because she was sitting on the sofa and this is also true, but I am not supposed 'blame' him for anything. Then he wouldn't talk to me for days, because I do not respect him WTF! He can be so unreasonable and nasty. Once he was shouting at me in the car because I changed radio channel to something he did not like, because I know he does not like and did it on purpose! The other time we were thinking of buying a car and I saw one I liked but I gave him wrong make. He checked offers and when we went to see the car he was furious that I gave him wrong make - he did not speak to me for a few days after. There were many situations like that, when I am left thinking that any normal person would not make such a fuss over them. I used to beg him to talk to me, to tell me what I did wrong, because I could not understand. We are on the verge of divorce because I no longer do. I turned numb.

Last Friday he told me that I have no ambition, all I want is to stay at home and be fat (a week earlier when I said I wanted to go back to work he said that it would be better for me to stay at home), that older daughter is slim (shes a fussy eater) because of me and how can I call myself a mother. Now he is ignoring me and treats me like air if I am trying to talk to him. Ok, he has a point that I can be slow in making decisions, so he feels like he's dragging me along. That is true, because I feel totally drained. I am never good enough. He asks me those questions like 'so what do u want to achieve next year' and he looks at me like a teacher waiting for the right answer. I know he would like some business woman, who would run the house, pay the bills and worship him. BTW he pays rent, I pay bills, I have always payed them, even when my salary was small I payed bills and nursery, so never had anything in my pocket and now I do not work, but still pay bills with my maternity savings. I do not know how much he earns and I do not have access to his account - he is scared that I might empty it (because someone's wife did it, so that is what women do). Basically I have nothing! Do I have to add that he can be very charming, he's very skillful with words and my friends think that I have lovely husband. Yes he can be very nice when he wants.

AIBU to feel abused? He tells me that I am having it too good. I feel I need to leave him, but at the same time I do not want to put my children through this and I have no idea how to leave. I have nowhere to go, no financial back up and no one to help. I have started to look for part-time job, but at the moment I am not working. I feel like a child in the dark.

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2014 15:27

Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
He is a vile abusive man.
He's been slowly knocking you down over the years to where you are now.
Look up 'stonewalling abuse'
Also financial abuse.

Womens Aid can help you see things more clearly and hopefully give you advice on an exit plan.

I feel I need to leave him
You do. The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in any relationship is NONE!!

I doubt anyone on here will advise you stay with an abuser.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 15:41

YANBU to feel abused. You say it's always been a difficult relationship and I would categorise five years of being set up to fail, plus the other things you describe as abusive. I feel sorry for your children being caught in the middle of this and seeing you treated so poorly.

I'd suggest you start talking to people who can help you. Take a friend or family member into your confidence and tell them what's really been going on for a start. Bust the charming guy myth and get as much support as possible. Get legal advice so that you know your legal, accommodation, access and financial rights in the event of a divorce. Also, speak to somewhere like CAB about the various benefits that might be available to you.

You don't have to endure this.

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