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So when he came to bed last night

(45 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

nerdsgirl Tue 02-Sep-14 08:14:52

My OH rarely initiates sex, as in, approaches me and demonstrating hes interested, its usually a sort of mutual thing, or i.

Two nights now, including last night, he's stayed up late online, then woken me up, grabbing and touching. When i ask, whats gotten into you, he gets a little defensive "are you complaining, can i not come to bed and want you".

His internet history from last night, is porn.
What do i do.
Ive been thinking for the past few weeks, that maybe im dull now im pregnant, and that he's missing something from our sex lives - like perhaps i've lost my 'pzazz'. And porn generally doesn't bother me, but this does.
Suggestions?

Theoldhag Tue 02-Sep-14 08:22:59

Uck! Sounds as though he is getting all exited like a hunched up dog over watching porn and wanting you to oblige in letting him deposit his sperm. In this scenario you could be anyone. He sounds vile tbh.

I would be very tempted to grab him by his danglies and tell him to fuck off or they will be parted from his body.

Ledkr Tue 02-Sep-14 08:28:28

Yes that sounds horrible. I agree he's getting himself "ready" online then coming up to treat you as he's seem the women treated in his films.
Is he feeling weird about your pregnacy? You need to talk to him, he's your husband not a total stranger.

LittleDonkeyKong Tue 02-Sep-14 08:31:15

Hardly romantic is it especially with you being pregnant. I think its disgusting him waking you up, groping at you after getting his rocks off watching porn.

LuvDaMorso Tue 02-Sep-14 08:37:55

"are you complaining? Can I not come to be and want you?"

Response "yes, I am damn well complaining. Waking me up to service your needs after you've got yourself worked up looking at other women online is bang out of order. Have wank and don't ever tell me about it. "

CheesyBadger Tue 02-Sep-14 08:39:23

Yes, what Luv said. Does he know you are aware of the porn history?

BravePotato Tue 02-Sep-14 08:51:48

Agree with luv

Greyhound Tue 02-Sep-14 08:52:37

Not nice - borders on abusive if that's not too strong a term.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Sep-14 08:54:53

And porn generally doesn't bother me, but this does.

If I only had a pound every time I read/heard that....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Sep-14 08:55:25

"maybe im dull now im pregnant"

Please don't be one of those women who, when faced with creepy sexual behaviour from a partner, wonders 'is it me?' Being woken up by with 'grabbing' from someone who has been using porn as a teaser is not loving, romantic or respectful.

crazylady321 Tue 02-Sep-14 10:04:29

No experience but I think firstly you need to tell him you know what hes been upto and then go from there

Iconfuseus Tue 02-Sep-14 10:04:50

I have a different perspective on this.

I can't speak for everyone but I'm fairly certain that most women have at some point if not regularly fantasied about someone else while having sex with their partners. I'd always thought it was fairly normal behaviour.

I don't see how what your husband is doing is any different really. I wouldn't be hurt if my husband did that.

There could be 100 reasons why he doesn't usually initiate sex. He may not initiate sex because he is scared of rejection from you. He might have some hang ups about his body or not feel particularly confident at seduction.

I would suggest talking to him about it, in an non confrontational way. Ask him about how he is feeling about things. Tell him, in a non shouty non aggressive way, that you feel a bit concerned about this recent development and you wonder how he feels about you.

I think it's a terrible idea to go in all guns blazing and shout at him - you will push him further away which I'm sure is not what you want to do.

kaykayblue Tue 02-Sep-14 10:23:35

Er....I utterly disagree with the poster above.

What he is doing is incredibly disrespectful. He is panting over other women in porn and then expects you to "service" him afterwards.

That's not a healthy or respectful attitude to take to your partner. As someone else said, it's treating you like meat, rather than a loving partner.

I would be tempted to leave his internet history open for him to see, and then tell him - pointedly, that if he comes in and starts "grabbing" at you again in such a hugely disrespectful way, then he can fuck off and enjoy his fantasies out of your house and out of your life. You deserve and expect more respect from your husband.

This sort of blatant objectification would cause me to reach the very upper range of pure fury.

If he gives you that pathetic whinging again tell him that yes, you ARE complaining. No, he cannot come to bed and "want" you, because he DOESN'T WANT YOU. He wants any nearby vagina to stuff his dick into after getting his rocks off watching other women fucking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Sep-14 10:28:43

Fantasising during sex in order to heighten pleasure is blatantly not the same thing as waking up a sleeping partner with 'grabbing and touching'. hmm

Have you ever, at any point, said to him that you would like him to be more active in initiating sex? That's the only possible excuse for this behaviour - I have known it happen from time to time, that a basically gentle man whose sexual preferences are on the soft and tender side gets hold of the idea that his partner wants him to be more... sexually dominant - and because it's not terribly his style, he makes a right mess of it. If this is the case, a good talk will sort it out.

However, what's he like otherwise? Does he do his share of domestic work? Does he generally behave as though he likes and respects you? Do you generally manage to sort out disagreements amicably and not just by letting him have his own way? All these things matter as much as sexual behaviour.

KittenOverlord Tue 02-Sep-14 10:33:08

Lol "I wouldn't mind it so therefore anyone who does mind is wrong" - great logic there!

It's utterly disrespectful to you, he's treating you like a piece of meat. It's NOT your fault. I'm pregnant and can't remember the last time I had sex with my husband. It doesn't give him the right (not would he ever try) to wake me up in the middle of the night and grab at me like some sort of animal to "fulfill his manly urges" or any such shite.

Castlemilk Tue 02-Sep-14 10:34:08

Yuck.

Tonight, set up a chair in the bedroom, drape one of your dresses over it.

When he starts, say look - I set you up a fuck-stick to empty yourself over. That's what you want, isn't it? Shall I get the laptop and put it within view and you can just carry on?

And then spend the night in the spare room and get ready for The Talk the next day.

Vile.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Sep-14 12:12:48

Buy him a blow up doll. That is all you are to him.

if my H was watching porn and then came to paw me to get "relief" from the resulting erection, he would get ejected from my life.

headlesslambrini Tue 02-Sep-14 12:22:42

Block porn from your internet provider.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Sep-14 12:26:30

How will that help, HL ?

That's what you do with devices that 8yo's use, not grown men.

ClashCityRocker Tue 02-Sep-14 12:34:41

Just a thought - is it some misguided attempt at making you feel that you are still 'desirable' in the bedroom now you're pregnant?

Does he know you know that he's being watching porn to get started?

It sounds grim though.

IF he is generally caring and considerate, I'd tell him, away from the bedroom, that you really don't like it.

Otherwise, if this arsehole-y ness occurs in other areas of the relationship, it might be time to consider your options.

bridget75 Tue 02-Sep-14 22:31:24

Shock-horror....... Man watches porn! Who would have thought such a thing could happen?

KittenOverlord Tue 02-Sep-14 22:33:40

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bridget75 Tue 02-Sep-14 22:45:38

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crazylady321 Tue 02-Sep-14 22:57:22

OP have you told him you know about the porn?

The thing is though Bridget yes alot of men watch porn and whatever personal views on it, it is a bit rude of him to then come to bed and then expect his mrs to give in to his demands. Im not particually fussed over porn I have had exs in the past watch it but theyve never done as the ops OH has done. Think id feel awfully put down if I thought my man needed to watch porn before he wanted to have sex with me... It is an awful turn off and can see why OP is upset

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