STBXH not turned up for contact - how should I handle this?

[Soapy81]

Quick back story - left abusive H last year, just got decree nisi through, he has 3 DDs 3 nights a week.

I asked him at beginning of summer to change contact arrangement as I felt there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing for the children and the handover period was always a stressful time for them. Current set up is mon and Tuesday night with him and alternate Friday one week and Saturday the next. I suggested that he have them Tuesday night only (he has Wednesday off to look after them) and then full alternate weekends, providing them with more continuity with each of us. He totally refused and after much arguing we agreed to keep the week days the same and change the weekends to fri and sat alternate weekends, he refused to have them on Sunday nights at all. He then asked me to wait until summer was over as he had made plans. I agreed.

So I messaged him on Sunday saying we are to start this weekend, was totally flexible about it, saying he could pick to go with a full weekend or one not but that next weekend I would keep them and we could go from there. At first he said he thought he would have more notice, I said he had all summer, he them said he didn't want to change and didn't want to argue. I said there's no arguing needed, we discussed it and compromised before, it's now going ahead. He the said I don't want to drag the girls through this just because you want to change, you can be their parents now. I thought he would be late to collect them last mug to prove a point, but he just didn't turn up. My oldest (7) sent him a msg asking if they were sleeping at his and he sent back no sorry. He then sent one saying we were arguing and that he didn't want to change arrangements and that he loves them.

All 3 have been up in the night, I'm devastated that I can't protect them from feeling abandoned by him, I don't know what to do!

I think it's about continuing to control me, I should be at work today and tomorrow while he has them so he thinks if he doesn't have them it will make me change my mind. My mum has agreed to have my 2 older and littlie can go to nursery.

I don't know what to do next. My gut instinct is to not let him have them until he can agree a proper arrangement with me where he cannot just not turn up. However long that takes...

Any advice or suggestions gratefully received, thanks.

[AuntieStella]

You wanted a change. He really didn't.

It was wrong of him to renege on agreement to a change. It was week of him to appear to agree to something he had no intention of doing.

Aside from not wanting to change the arrangements, how has he been with them to date?

It is not your preference to continue with the current pattern, but no contact may be worse for your DDs. Aside from the annoyance of back to square one, is there any reason (other than handover stress, which might be possible to ease in other ways) not to continue the pattern which has worked so far?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is about power and control.

Such men do not let go of their victims easily and he is not above using his children as well to control you (and them for that matter). He is still punishing you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him. He neither cares about the children either, only his own self and will continue to manipulate and muck you all around like this because he can.

I would seek legal advice asap re your situation. If this arrangement was informally done between the two of you (and it seems like it) he was never going to play fair.

[tribpot]

He's demonstrated he's willing to hurt your children to get his own way. Therefore no informal compromise is ever going to be stuck to - he just wants to win. Did you put the revised agreement in writing? I agree with Attila - get legal advice if you want to have a binding contact agreement.

[AuntieStella]

Yes, formal agreement for future agreement wield be a good thing.

I might have missed a back story to this, and was going only on what is in this thread. And of course a history of manipulation is totally different from 12-18ish months of a functioning arrangement and difficulty arising for the first time only when a change was sought.

[Mellowdramatically]

You had a really good thing and YOU chose to change it. He totally refused and after lots of arguments you say there was a compromise ie he came round to your way of thinking. But HE is the one that wants power and control?

For me what you all had before was amazingly good! Not sure where you go from here but i think it's very unfair to deny access.

[Theoldhag]

Poor dc's , in future maybe it is better for them if they do not know if and when he is due to have them, that way they are not expecting it and can not be let down in such a stark way.

I have to say that if a man is capable of using/hurting the children as a stick to beat you with then I would simply say fine, no more contact and if you (he) doesn't like it he can take you to court to get a formal agreement in place.

Shits like him do not deserve children.

[Soapy81]

Thank you for your replies.

I have contacted the legal people provided by my company. The lady on the phone could not work out what he hoped to achieve by not collecting them on the days he wanted to keep having them. She advised me to contact him and ask if he was having contact tonight. He replied "no. I'm not an equal parent you think you have the right to dictate despite your children not wanting there lives to change again." I then asked if he has intention of seeing them and basically not unless he gets what he wants. I suggested mediation but the messages from him have now descended into a tirade of me doing it all on my own.

It is about power and control attilathemeerkat

The reason I want it to change is because I think it is best for my children. He is a difficult person and they struggle with the change of going between the two houses. I have been very flexible with contact since we split last June and evidence has shown that they are happier with longer spells with each of us.

I think it was good for him mellowdramatically not so much for the children. For me, I would do anything that makes them happy, even if that meant them living with him, but I don't believe that is the right thing for them.

Just desperately sad that he will use them like this and hurt them by rejecting them

[WishiwasHenry]

Are the children happier now or the way contact was before?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

if he's not having them any more, put in for a revised amount of child support. That may refocus his mind and make him more open to change.

[Soapy81]

He doesn't currently pay any child support as he says he has them half the time!!

wishiwasHenry he hasn't even let us try it. I believe they would be happier but would be happy to review in a few months to see how it went.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Get legal advice. This man is a dickhead, and there is no point trying to be fair and reasonable with a dickhead - you need to get everything formally, legally sorted (including child support: set the CSA on him). Men like this need putting firmly in their place. They are not above the law and if they won't behave themselves, they are the ones who lose out.