Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

so cross and sad

(20 Posts)
chocoraisin Mon 01-Sep-14 14:02:29

There is a huge backstory to this, but the key points are my twunt of an ex is EA in a very vicious and manipulative way. When I divorced him I was pg and we had a small DS, and my DMIL was very supportive of me.

It's now 2.5 years later, twunt has just married OW who is 6 months pregnant. He has lied, manipulated and twisted things for so long that I am simply used to it now and have disengaged as much as poss from him, but I'm still close to DMIL. She supervised contact for the DC for a v long time and has been brilliant, so there is no question I would stop contact with her.

Anyway, twunt didn't want me to find out he was marrying OW, despite the fact he was planning to take our two DC (now 2 and 4) to the wedding. I realised about 3 days beforehand it was happenng, decided to cut through his nonsense and called him to congratulate them (which I did) and let him know that asking other people to lie about it happening was not necessary because I had no issue with them getting hitched, beyond the boys enjoying the day (and being prepared for it).

I thought it was the right thing to do but I've just discovered that he has been verbally abusing DMIL ever since (about a fortnight) and tried to disinvite her to the wedding, let her pay for it (don't even know where to start with that one, but yes, he's FA as well) but has been sending her emails and texts basically tearing her to shreds because he thinks she told me they were getting married. Which she categorically didn't.

I just need to vent because I can't do anything about it at all. If I said anything to him it would make him worse, plus I just don't want to get involved. He was, is and always will be abusive. He switched from abusing me to abusing his mother about a year after we split when I cut all contact with him and the DC had contact through MIL. He's just married OW, and not one single person from her friends/family were invited, plus he made the occasion vile for the people from his family who tried to come. sad I actually feel very sorry for OW now, and furious with twunt for being such a total arsewipe.

I cannot and will not get involved - I only know how badly he's treating DMIL because I rang to invite her to sunday lunch with the DC, which is the first time we've done something together for the whole summer. So I'm not in her pocket or making his life hard in that respect. But she is so beaten down by him and I am furious. What an absolute utter bastard.

angry

Letitbee Mon 01-Sep-14 14:21:43

Support her but don't get involved - she is a grown woman

mampam Mon 01-Sep-14 14:22:49

Hi I am sorry you have an ex that is like this. Unfortunately I do feel that this will not end well re: your relationship with DMIL.

I too have been in a similar situation. To cut a long story short I was always very close to my exMIL and remained so after exH had gone off with the OW. He basically cut off his mother and the rest of his family because they were still friendly towards me but once their first DC was born they he basically made exMIL choose between being friends with me or being able to see her DGC.

Blood is thicker than water I'm afraid and all the abuse he had put his mother through was washed aside and I was the one who yet again ended up hurt. I think you should prepare yourself for the inevitable that your DMIL will want to spend more time with her son once his wife gives birth.

You do not have to feel guilty for how he behaves towards his mother. He is an adult and capable of making his own choices.

fourfatsnakes Mon 01-Sep-14 14:34:44

I didn't want to read & run, but I remember your thread from back in the day. thanks & brew for you.
Vent away. You're right; there's nothing you can do save provide empathy towards her for what a total bucket of pustular cocks he is.
As for OW - DW as is now - <shrugs> no friends nor family at her wedding? Ach, not to be mean spirited and all that, but goes around/comes around is the saying, no?
I remember you mainly for your humour & dignity. Keep it up, sounds like you're sadly going to still need them by the bucket load.

chocoraisin Mon 01-Sep-14 14:52:46

I know I can't and won't get involved. She is a grown woman, I know, but it's still horrible to watch someone you care about be victimised and to be told I am the reason excuse they are getting grief! It's all too sodding ridiculous.

His new DW is in for a rough ride, I feel very sorry for her. No friends or family of her own to turn to, a baby on the way, my DC to look after eow, and the only member of his family who would and could support her is being systematically eliminated.

I have no doubt that when the new baby arrives XMIL would like to see it but as things stand, she won't be allowed. He's engineering the situation so that she will become estranged from the new DW. This is exactly as I would expect him to play it. Last time I was supported by my family and his mum to escape his abuse. This time round his DW will have no such escape routes left open, one by one they have been shut down entirely.

It's just all too depressing.

Thanks for the brew fourfatsnakes I'm going to make a real one and get back to my work. I run a course for survivors of DVA now. No matter how awful OW/DW was, I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy.

maras2 Mon 01-Sep-14 17:29:06

So,he's still a bastard? No shit. You are so well out of it Chocco and as much as I feel sorry for exMIL you must look out for yourself and the kids and don't be drawn into anymore of his fuckwittery.As for feeling sorry for OW, well bollocks to that.The words 'reaping' and 'sowing' come to mind.What a total shit though.

chocoraisin Mon 01-Sep-14 19:14:07

point well made maras2 smile no shit. I'm ok now, just needed to vent this afternoon. Can't polish a turd and all that!

trackrBird Mon 01-Sep-14 19:22:36

choco, I don't know all of your story but posted on one of your previous threads (under another NN). Your ex sounds as appalling as ever, perhaps more so. You show a lot of humanity in feeling for the former OW.

Keep the hand of friendship extended for your MIL, if that feels right for you at the moment. She needs it, and you care about her. This might change in time: but if your MIL does drop you from a great height (and she might) you know you have survived worse and done your best to do what you think is right.

BloodontheTracks Mon 01-Sep-14 19:24:38

Hi choco, lovely to hear from you, though I wish it were under better circumstances! Congratulations on your dignity and compassion. Do you still do your blog? I hope your little ones are dealing with it all okay, other than that you can probably detach from his arsewipery, even as regards MIL, if it continues to call you pain. What a dick. Well done for being rid of him.

maras2 Mon 01-Sep-14 19:24:56

Loads of respect Choco.You are one brave woman.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Sep-14 19:26:47

What a mess. I share your feelings that this is all so depressing but not really surprising. Some people really ARE black holes of misery who suck others in and crush them. A great whirling vortex of pain and manipulation, it makes me wonder how horrible it must be inside their own head, IYSWIM.

Keep the door open for your MIL, she sounds lovely and I imagine she must be devastated that a son of hers could turn out to be such an utter bastard.

lunar1 Mon 01-Sep-14 19:33:43

I'm guessing he will turn his abuse to the ow by the time the baby arrives. Your xmil will probably get to see this grandchild when he has moved on again to another OW. Let's face it, he was an absolute bastard to you when you discovered what he was up to, he is not going to change just because it's a different woman and child.

chocoraisin Mon 01-Sep-14 19:56:59

I don't do the blog any more no, although I might pop in and pick it up at some point. My eldest DS (4) has anxiety and attachment issues, he vomits and gets stomach aches and uncontrollably cries when he's home from seeing his dad sad I'm working through it with him but it's pretty awful. Not unusual for a child who has grown up around/with abuse sadly. I trust that with patience and time he will learn how to cope better.

My little one (2) has far less problem with contact because he didn't really experience the trauma of our split and first year of contact nonsense as he was unborn/newborn throughout.

I expect XH to abuse OW/DW yes. He started on XMIL when I withdrew access to me. When XMIL is effectively estranged he'll start looking closer to home, and no doubt shortly afterwards the position of OW will be filled. I hope she has the sense to leave him, but not everyone does.

AF I think inside his head is just the most unbelievable mess. How he can dole out the vitriol and abuse to one person and literally at the same time be sweetness and light to another is beyond me. It's certainly not like the inside of yours or mine.

At least XMIL has had the sense to tell other people now, and has shown some of his messages to his sisters. She won't confide in her new DH though because he wouldn't let her continue to put herself in harms way, which would simply speed up the process iyswim.

And as for a wee bit more positive news - I've got a lovely new DP now (cooking me dinner as I type! smile ) who couldn't be more unlike the ex, and I hope he will be great presence in my DS's lives as time goes on.

GurlwiththeCurl Mon 01-Sep-14 20:00:42

I followed all of your threads, OP, and am in awe of how strong you are. Such lovely news about your DP.

BloodontheTracks Mon 01-Sep-14 20:07:12

That's great news about your DP!

I'm sorry sort about your eldest. Is your ex abusive still? Is it emotional? Well done on being so strong and impressive for your little ones throughout.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Sep-14 20:21:27

Good news on the new partner. smile

wfielder Mon 01-Sep-14 22:23:41

So glad to hear that your life is going well OP, so many of us remember you, and think of you. smile

translatorwriter Tue 02-Sep-14 02:25:55

Just delurking to shake some pompoms choco! I've often wondered how things were going for you although I've NC'd so many times you wouldn't remember me! That said, I'd be livid in your situation too but it sounds like your XMIL has some support and people that care for her.

Sorry to hear that your DS1 is struggling but kids are resilient and he has an awesome mum to help him deal with his shit of a father.

And it's fantastic to hear things are going well for you with your new DP!

chocoraisin Tue 02-Sep-14 09:09:51

thanks for the pompoms! smile DP is pretty amazing. I felt like I'd stepped into a parallel universe when we first started spending time with all our kids. A man who loves his DC, treats mine with love and kindness, and actually wants to contribute to the home... it's such a revelation!

Last night he watched one of my DS's while I took the other for a quick supermarket dash and I realised I haven't ever had that kind of normal day to day sharing of responsibility. I am loving life with him. We're taking it gently though, with no plans to move in together or hurry things along in any way. He has 2DC of his own, so we plan to take things nice and slow.

He's fab and really patient with DS1 as well, and helps me to keep my sanity and perspective when it comes to his behaviour/contact with his dad. All i all I can definitely report that life after twunt is good smile x

lunar1 Tue 02-Sep-14 12:22:36

Really glad to here you have a supportive partner, you really deserved to find a good one.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now