Anniversary let down.

[longhardlookinthemirror]

I turned down the chance of a weekend away with my friend as It would have been the weekend of our wedding anniversary and I have booked the weekend off work so my dh and I can do something together. My dh told me yesterday he was going away that weekend for a work friends leaving do!! I love my dh very much but sometimes he can be so thoughtless. Two years ago he actually forgot about our anniversary. I am a hopeless romantic and love any excuse to celebrate, I feel angry that he has again not thought about spending time with me. He says we can celebrate the weekend before but that's not the point and I'll be working. He's not even really good friends with the person who's leaving work. Whatever we do now he's kind of spoilt any celebration for us as I feel like a second thought. Am I overreacting for feeling upset?

[Iconfuseus]

I don't think you are over reacting, I would be hurt too.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think you're overreacting in the circumstances. How long have you been married? If you are a romantic and he is very casual/thoughtless about these things, would it be an idea to flag up your expectations more clearly in future? Did he know you'd booked the weekend off for the occasion?

[ruby1234]

No, you're not overreacting.
Can you reinstate the weekend away with your friend?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Did he know you'd made the arrangements you had? Or do you just expect him to adopt a romantic attitude too?

[BackforGood]

I'm with your dh.
I don't, personally celebrate our anniversary, but I do like to celebrate birthdays. However, recognising them and doing something 'nice' is the important bit, it doesn't matter if it's the weekend/week/month before or afterwards if that works out more convenient for people.

This way, he gets to go away with his friends, you could have gone away with your friends, and to can do something nice.

[BackforGood]

"to can do something nice" ???

meant to say - you can still both do something nice together to celebrate your anniversary together if you want to.

[MirandaWest]

Did your DH know that you'd turned down the weekend with your friend and that you thought you would be doing something with him? What's happened on previous anniversaries?

[longhardlookinthemirror]

It will be our 9th wedding anniversary, been together for 13 years. He can be quiet romantic at times although as time passes probably less so. I guess we become complacent about things as the years pass. We hadn't actually discussed any plans but I kind of assumed he would want to do something with me. Cognito maybe I should be more clear about my expectations, however telling him I expect him to want to spend time with me on our anniversary when he's already planned something else kind of spoils it, especially when he forgot 2 years ago. We joke about it now but at the time I was really hurt.

[rb32]

Sounds like he's not bothered about the anniversary (I'm similar tbh) but you are and you haven't made him aware that to keep you happy he'll have to pull his finger out!!

[longhardlookinthemirror]

He knew I turned down the weekend away. We can't both go away as we have 2 children at home.

[CatCushion]

We don't really bother much with anniversaries as it is close to DC's birthday. This year was a big round number though, so he took the day off work, we went to town and spent the whole day together. We made planned loosely, and it went really well (apart from him answering his work phone in a bar, but I made my point and we moved on.)

Next year will be 10 years, could you put your heads together to spend a day or weekend that you'll both enjoy then?

[BackforGood]

In our house, if we want to do something, then we tell the other one, and put it on the calendar - I don't find mind reading works as well.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

". Cognito maybe I should be more clear about my expectations"

Be very clear, every time. As the training video says ... when you 'assume' something you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. If things are important to you and not to him, don't leave it to chance but speak up. It's September so if you want a romantic Christmas present point it out now and e-mail him the links to a choice of suitable items in advance. If you want a Valentine's Day or birthday treat, put cues in his diary. Book next year's 10th anniversary weekend now... block it out already. It's less spontaneous I'll grant you, but it avoids a lot of needless disappointment.

[kaykayblue]

Personally I think it was a really shit move on his side to take up an invitation once he knew that you had said no to a weekend. That said, you should have made it clear that you were turning it down since it was the anniversary weekend. Something like "Well X invited me to do this, but since it's our anniversary weekend I told her that we were doing something together".

That's not needy or suffocating, but is stating the fact of your expectation.

When he told you about the birthday party, did you say anything to him? Why can't you say "Wait a minute, I turned down a weekend with my friends so we could spend our anniversary together, NOT so you could go out to some colleagues birthday party. If you don't want to do anything with your wife for our anniversary then I will go away with my friends and YOU can stay home".

[longhardlookinthemirror]

Backforgood - I wasn't expecting mind reading. He knew I'd booked the weekend off and he knew I turned down my friend because it was our anniversary.
That's why I assumed cognito. I will make sure I mark next years in the Calendar now though!

[knickernicker]

It's not just the fact that he's not into anniversary celebration. It's the blatant disregard shown by organising to do a work mates weekend when he knows you turned down a weekend to be with him. How unkind and thoughtless is that?

[AliMonkey]

As someone with a DH who pretty much always disappoints me at birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries I completely understand. Every year I have to organise any celebration, babysitter etc and never get the offer of him taking a day off to spend with me and his presents do not exactly show he's put much thought into them. But each year I think that maybe this year he will surprise me. So despite previous let downs you too I'm sure think that this year will be better. But this is particularly unthinking as he knew you had turned down the weekend away. I would basically make it clear that he needs to more than make it up to you and lay on a really special outing / meal / present.

I too would have said he couldn't go and you would instead go away but too late now and no point in it eating away at you -although I know that is easier said than done.

[magoria]

We now have weekend do's for work friends leaving? OMG where will it end. This is getting ridiculous.

Sorry a bit distracted about this.

I think you need to tell him it is off and that he has again hurt you and made you feel second best.

Make arrangements with your friends for the weekend before/after. Don't bother with the anniversary this year as you already consider it marred.

[mustardtomango]

I think 13 years together is long enough to recognise what your wife would like - imo you shouldn't need to make explicit the fact that you like romance / value your anniversary time together. Especially as she'd told him she wasn't going away because it was their weekend! If I have to tell dh every year, for that long, well... Good lord, the man should get the hint.

Realistically looks like he's going away now, I'd be upset too op

[BackforGood]

I was responding to what you put in your OP

We hadn't actually discussed any plans but I kind of assumed he would want to do something with me

Mustard - that surely works both ways though. OP should know that her husband isn't bothered. Doesn't in any way reflect his love for her, just doesn't see that a particular weekend needs to be marked in a particular way.

[bonkersLFDT20]

He sounds really selfish and thoughtless.

He knew you'd turned down a w/e away and the reasons why you did so, and then went ahead and planned to do something else entirely.

Did he just think "oooh, great. longhard isn't going away so she can mind the children while I go away".

[Kittydragon]

I think you need to clearly tell him how upset you are. It is these sort of selfish inconsiderate actions that chip away at a solid relationship.