Married men who have affairs - are they really sorry or just sorry they got caught and will continue with affair given the chance?

[puddingsforsandy]

Just thinking as supporting a close friend who has discovered her husband cheating for the second time with the same woman. Seeing her go through the motions of having to check his phone and emails (the conditions she has set) again is soul destroying. She seems to think he is genuinely remorseful and she can some how 'control' the situation by checking up on him.
From my own experience, rarely do cheaters want to let go of the ow when they get caught. Only when THEY decide that the affair has ended that is when it ends. I wish I could make her see this. Am I just jaded or is there some truth to my statement? I stayed with a cheater for years and heard all the apologies under the sun. As soon as I thought we were back on the right track...he would start again. My mental state took such a battering I had to leave the relationship for my own sanity. I loved him to death but it was killing me.

Seeing my friend going through this is upsetting and even more so when I know the script too well. It's no way to live checking phones etc every single day to make sure your husband is being faithful.

[pillowhogger]

Depends on the bloke, I'd say (although suspect most fall into the latter category.

Cheating once is of course bad enough, but to do it a second time with the very same person is showing an enormous amount of contempt for his wife!

How horrible for her, hope she gets through it ok - whatever the eventual outcome.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

People who have affairs are never sorry, they just pretend to be as that's easier than admitting they've betrayed and wounded their partners to the quick, and acted with absolutely zero integrity.

I feel very sorry for your friend but suspect she's on a hiding to nothing by acting like the STASI and monitoring his communication like that. If he's determined, he'll find other modes of contact. He might even have another, secret mobile phone already

[PinkSquash]

They're only sorry they got caught IME and the thrill is too much to give up easily

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

Depends...... but twice with the same women should be her cue to now leave the marriage for good.

[WorkingGirlJem]

I agree with you puddingsforsandy it's absolutely soul destroying.

I have a friend who's partner is a serial adulterer and she lives in constant fear that he isn't where he says he is. If he is out of the room and he has taken his phone with him, she can't rest til she's checked it.
It's no way to live

Also, she has severe mental health issues, but I cannot make her see the connection between her staying with this piece of shit and her mental issues.

As soon as she has discovered one affair ( or one night stand) and they have talked it through ( apparently he can't help it ) he's doing it again.

She says she can't live without him. I keep reminding her that she will be forced to when she gets sectioned because she loses her mind all together.

That type of guy won't give up affairs if he can possibly help it. Selfish through and through

[lavenderhoney]

She must be exhausted and by checking his phone daily she is making herself responsible iyswim. Does he hand it over and stand there? He's probably using another phone or what's app or any number of devices, emails if he wants to. He can delete an email account on his phone and reload at will. Takes seconds. And delete conversations in seconds on im.

She doesn't have to do it. And she obviously thinks he is still cheating because she is checking. She would be better advised putting her energy into seeing a lawyer and arranging a new life. And when he offers his phone for the check, wave it away and say " no need, aren't you to be trusted?"
And make sure her phone is password protected from all the lawyer emails.

[WorkingGirlJem]

IME from the job I do, it's the fact that only very little ( if any) of what they actually get up to is uncovered that makes them braver and willing to take more chances

[FolkGirl]

Jem I would agree with that wholeheartedly...

[FolkGirl]

But then I also think that the majority of men would cheat given the opportunity. And many more do things that fall just short of PIV with another woman and convince themselves this means they haven't cheated.

I don't have a lot of respect for men, I'm finding...