Online dating tips

[fishdishwish]

I've been using OK Cupid for a good few years now and I've been on a handful of dates, none of which led to anything further. So...I'd quite like to know where I'm going wrong.

I'm 38, male, just over 20 stone, still live with my parents and have very little in the way of experiences of relationships. Does anyone have any thoughts on other dating sites I might try?

[translatorwriter]

Hi fishdishwish,

You might not be going wrong anywhere - online dating is incredibly frustrating for most people.

But that said, it's possible you're making some common mistakes. You can get your profile reviewed or even rewritten professionally if you're prepared to pay for it. There are also "dating coaches" who will teach you how to write good emails and how to "play the game" (by this I don't mean mind games, just how to get dates with the people you want to meet).

I'm actually trying to get into the profile writing business at the moment. If you like I could have a look at your profile and give you some tips - good experience for me (so no charge). PM me and tell me your okcupid username. :)

[LividofLondon]

I think it's "Plenty of Fish" that is an internet dating site with a forum where you can ask other members to critique your profile. It also has tips on how to write a profile. If you do a Google search you should find it (it was over a year ago so hopefully that part still exists).

[CatKisser]

*make sure your profile sounds friendly and interesting. You don't need to boast about all the continents you've visited, how you love skydiving on a weekend, etc. but it's amazing how many profiles you see with "just ask" or "I'll do this later". Lazy.

*if you message a woman, don't send a generic "hi" or "hey sexy" or anything pervy sounding. At least sound like you've read her profile, maybe ask a relevant question or two.

*Use your very best picture as your profile picture, it will get people clicking on you.

[kirsten123]

Hi Fish,

You sound like the kind of guy I'm looking for!

I'm 38, female, 25 stone and live in my parents' basement. I have 8 cats and 12 snakes.

Your place or mine?!

Seriously, this is a wind-up, ladies!!!

[CatKisser]

I did wonder but I thought I'd seen this person posting before.

[minmooch]

Presuming this is for real - the fact that you are 38 and still living with your parents would be enough to put me off. You mention your weight so chances are you are not happy with your weight - that will show on any dates. Unless you are a full time carer for your parents you may find working on your independence will give you more luck.

[FolkGirl]

This poster has posted a number of times before, so I'm going to assume that it's for real...

The bottom line is, fish, that people doing OD aren't attracted to the person, they're attracted to a profile and that attraction is, by it's nature, very superficial. As you will know yourself, it's like looking through a catalogue - and there's a lot of choice!

As such, and as unpalatable as it sounds, someone who is over 20 stone and still living at home at 38 is not going to be attractive to a lot of people.

Do you get out much and meet people in real life? What hobbies do you have? Do you work?

If I'm honest, I wouldn't have selected a 20 man when I was doing OD. But I know a man IRL who is probably close to that and I find him very attractive. His weight is just one aspect of him in the real world. And if he wasn't married and asked me out, I'd definitely say yes.

[mymummademelistentoshitmusic]

Odd to mention weight but not height, interests, etc. one would almost think op was trying to provoke a weight related reaction.

[FolkGirl]

Well, still assuming it's genuine, I would imagine he's narrowed his problems with OD down to the fact he still lives at home, being overweight and his lack of relationship experience. Perhaps he doesn't feel his height or his hobbies (if he has any) are having a negative impact.

It makes sense that he feels any, or a combination of, these factors are limiting his success with women. He hasn't only mentioned weight, but the fact that some people think he's a troll (I would imagine based solely on the weight issue) shows that it is an important issue.

The only people turning this into a 'weight issue' are the people doing the doubting.

If it turns out to be a wind up, then fair enough, but at the moment, I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt...

[fishdishwish]

Nope, this not a wind-up!!

For the record, I'm 5'10 or thereabouts - so average height for a bloke, I guess. I've never seen it as a barrier to finding a partner, whereas I do with my weight (which I am trying to do something about), hence why I mention it.

Yes, I know living with parents isn't ideal, and in some respects is probably far more of a deal-breaker than the weight thing. I have a fair range of hobbies, and have a pretty wide circle of friends, both male and female.

[FolkGirl]

Do you meet women you'd be interested in through your hobbies? Do you ever flirt with women? I don't mean hit on them, but just behave in a non threatening flirtatious way?

You said you're doing something about your weight, sorry, you're trying to do something about your weight. Do or do not, there is no try

And I agree with you, I think your home situation is probably a bigger problem than your weight.

[fishdishwish]

I am doing something weight-wise, as I've just started a weight management course which I was referred to (at my initiation) by my GP.

I do try and flirt a little, but I'm always rather worried about being seen as sleazy and sexist!!

[MiniTheMinx]

I'm going to disagree, I think the weight issue is a bigger problem than your living arrangements. I dare say it would be easier to rent a flat than shift 9 stone of excess weight.

[FolkGirl]

That's brilliant about the weight management - well done for doing that!

I wasn't really thinking about being verbally flirtatious because, I think it often ends up being overtly sexual and I think that is sleazy, but flirtatious body language is a different thing altogether.

You know, you can go on workshops for flirting. I think it's the sort of thing that SPICE organise.

[FolkGirl]

Mini Different things are obviously going to be deal breakers for different people.

I would wonder why someone would want to still live at home at nearly 40. It would suggest a lack of independence to me; an unwillingness to grow up. My exH had never lived away from home before we got together in our mid 20s. He had no idea about running a house, or budgeting, or anything. He resented spending money on 'grown up' boring things like washing machines. He had very idealistic ideas about what living with someone would be like (he thought it would be a bit like a romcom...)

He found it a hell of a lot easier to lose 3 stones (took a few months) than he did to grow up (still hadn't mastered it by the time we separated after 12 years...)

What's the reason for still living at home, fish ? Have you ever lived away or did you move back for a reason?

[fishdishwish]

Yep, I was away at uni in the mid 1990s (a while ago, I know!). I came back home as I didn't have a job, and have just never got around to leaving! Maybe I'm just too comfortable....

[FolkGirl]

Maybe...

So you have lived away from home, and you have a degree... so you probably have a pretty good job to go with it?

I have an image in my head of the man you described in your OP, but that's already changing... does your OK cupid profile do you justice?

[fishdishwish]

I hope so!

My job is OK, but probably not necessarily what you would consider a 'graduate job'.

[FolkGirl]

Do you feel fulfilled by it though? Are you happy with it?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but I think that the answer to your dating issues probably lie in sorting out your life in general. When you said you'd become comfortable living at home, it makes me wonder how 'comfortable' you are with other aspects of your life.

Weight and living conditions aside, are you the best version of you that you could be?

[MiniTheMinx]

In the really real world though one has to get past the initial hurdle of whether one is actually physically attractive to the person who's interest you are courting. Being over weight puts you at a disadvantage straight from the off.

Living at home may imply that you are a man-child, but people do grow up and always when there is a real need to do so, and not before. For most people this might be when they leave for uni, for other men its often when their first child arrives home from the hospital.

Being a grown up ticks certain boxes, and most people do grow up when pushed to it. And there isn't really a time limited sense in which this must be achieved. However life is long (or short) and shorter still if you can't run up the stairs without flaking out. Health is more important .Men of all ages are generally drawn towards youth and good health. Women are also drawn towards certain characteristics like good health, disposed to fancy men who can pass this trait on to any children she may have. Of course the ability to pay bills, work hard, make sensible decisions are all important factors but these factors are socially defined. These socially defined factors change over time, so once it would have been the ability to fish/catch food/build fires but now its pay bills via internet, manage accounts, bag a bargain and negotiate a good mortgage. But the real nuts and bolts of it is, who do we find has the physical/biological/genetic make up we find attractive? Health is a major factor in who we are drawn towards.

OP I would give up the online dating for now. Get out, get fit and lose some weight. Join a fitness class and the gym. As for fancy diets, I would forget that and have a look at the threads on MN about the 5:2 diet. Good luck.

[FolkGirl]

Have you thought of doing British Military Fitness? I do it. It's amazing!

[BeforeAndAfter]

I've dated two men (both over 40) who lived with their parents; each with plausible reasons for doing so post divorce. I would never date another man who lived at home. For one we always ended up at my place, which made me feel like my boyfriend was not a proper grown up, neither could cook and they just seemed to lack some oomph. In the end I concluded that not wanting to move into their own place was a sign of lack of oomph. I also think that you get a feel for someone when you see their home. I love it when a man has art on his walls and has put some thought into making a home. Sorry but for me men living with parents (or anyone else, other than children) is now a deal breaker, based on experience - being overweight, less so.

Good for you Fish for posting on here. Good luck with changing your life around.

[TapWellies]

Leaving your parent's house is the first thing you should do, then you could just buy the healthiest food to keep at home.

Does your mum cook you lovely meals every night?

You sound like a decent enough person, you're just not presenting yourself at your best.

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got, I'm afraid.

[Iconfuseus]

When I was internet dating it was my experience that men tended to click on profiles on the basis of looks, without really reading the profiles or giving good thought to long term compatibility. I wonder if you may be doing the same, to some extent?

I would have a long hard think about what it is you actually want in a women. Then think about what you can realistically achieve.

Lets say for example you are looking for someone who is interested in a long term relationship, who is quiet and will take part in some of your hobbies and social activities.

If these are your criteria, it's no good messaging women who are party girls or who are just looking for a casual short term bit of fun. These relationships are bound to fizzle out pretty quickly.

In a similar fashion it would help to be clear about what you want in your profile. If you want to get married and have children say so, and visa versa if you don't.

Good luck and keep persevering.