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Relationships

Husband has walked out

35 replies

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 10:25

How the fuck do I make sense of this?

First thing this morning, we're all up, teens getting ready for school, doing the ironing, and he's being snippy. Dd starts talking to him about Uni open days and his attitude just got worse. It ends up with her going to school upset, and us having a row about the way he speaks to us all.

We've fallen out before about his anger problem, but he's recognised that he's got a problem and promised to sort it/fix it, seek help but it appears that he's done nothing.

I'm gobsmacked, I really am. He's chosen this anger, this arsey persona over his family. He left his wedding ring & house keys, packed a bag and left saying that he loved us too much to subject us to him, that he'd be back next week to get the rest of 'his' stuff! It makes me feel that he's chosen the 'nuclear' option rather than actually getting help.

I haven't a clue where he's gone.

What the fuck am I going to tell the kids?

I just can't get my head around this, can't stop crying.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/08/2014 10:28

I don't think you can make sense of it - it sounds like he's not thought it through and that it doesn't make sense really.

This happened to me and I was so shocked but I'm very glad now that I have a home away from all the aggression. But I do remember being very numb and shocked.

Vivacia · 29/08/2014 10:28

I don't know what to say other than, you're not alone.

ravenmum · 29/08/2014 10:37

Have you got anyone you can talk to in real life?

He left his wedding ring? Not the first thing you might think of when leaving suddenly. Might he have been thinking about this for a while? (Not "thinking it through" logically or kindly, but thinking about it) Has his behaviour been relatively normal or changed lately?

ravenmum · 29/08/2014 10:38

And does he have friends or a family member nearby he can stay with? Sounds like he already knows where he is staying ... again, not 100% unplanned?

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 10:52

raven

He had a breakdown in May, way too much pressure/stress at his work, he was off for 8 weeks, was moved to a different unit, and appeared to be coming back to his usual (if slightly) arsey self. His work nickname is Mr Angry though.

He's got lots of family nearby, but as he left he said that he wasn't going to them, he didn't know where he was going.

I don't think he's thinking clearly at all - when he was leaving, I asked if this meant that he was choosing the anger over his family, the anger over getting help and being with those who love him, he said that the anger had always been there, had always been an issue, and there was no 'choice'.

It's not the first argument we've had about it - Dd went for her UKCAT a couple of weeks ago, and he was like a toddler having a tantrum just before she left; point blank refused to apologise after, and still hasn't.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 10:58


There could be several different reasons for him doing what he has done this morning.

- It is possible he realised, just in time, that he was about to hit/hurt one of you and is so ashamed of himself that he felt he had to take himself out of your family unit before he did something he would regret for the rest of his life. Leaving his wedding ring could be very symbolic.

- Perhaphs he is just too embarrassed to get help. Perhaphs he is worried about how getting 'anger issues' help would affect his job? He probably wants to be 'fixed' without doing that and keeps hoping he can deal with it better himself.

- Maybe he is 'angry' at home because he is having an affair but feels trapped into staying with you and the children so is angry all the time. You have given him the excuse he was looking for to walk out. Leaving his wedding ring could be symbolic here too.

Until he calms down and is prepared to talk to you, you can only guess at what is going on :(

One thing I have learned over the years is that you don't have to resolve everything there and then. That if something is meant to be or can be fixed, it can be done in time - whether that's tomorrow, next week or next month. That sometimes we rush things to get things 'back to normal' when taking it slowly would be a better option.

Do you want him to come back?? I know you are crying and are very upset and right now you might not even know what you want, but now is a good time to take stock and see what YOU want.

If you want him back I would send him a text along the lines of:-

'I have no idea what happened this morning. I am really upset that you feel that you 'love us too much to subject us to you' but we love you, we want you here. Please let me know when you are ready to talk. All my love, Tapir'

If you don't, then something along the lines of:

'I have no idea what happened this morning. I am really upset that you feel that you 'love us too much to subject us to you' but not enough to have got help for your anger issues. The children love you and will miss you, but you are right it's not fair on any of us to live like this. Tapir'

If you aren't sure, something along the lines of:

'I have no idea what happened this morning. I am really upset that you feel that you 'love us too much to subject us to you' but we love you, we want you here, but you do need to address your anger issues and maybe you are right, it is best that we don't all live together while you do?! Please let me know when you are ready to talk. Love, Tapir'
ravenmum · 29/08/2014 11:00

Did he have medical help during his breakdown? What kind of things does he get angry about? The subjects you mention seem like something that don't normally involve anger.

Are you worried about him? The bag-packing and leaving keys makes it sound like he has somewhere to live. If he knows when he's coming back it sounds like he knows it will be at least for that long.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 11:01

I've seen your post about his breakdown and his tantrum last week :(

Maybe you do just need to let him work out how much his family mean to him, how much he misses you all - it might make him take action re his anger.

What sort of a childhood did he have?

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 11:11

He gets angry about everything - people parking in 'his' place, too much washing in the basket, being stuck behind someone slower in the supermarket, the kids not doing what he thinks they should be doing when he thinks they should be doing it; once woke me up to rant that my uniform top had been dyed in the wash...

He has a very short fuse for life in general, and it's got shorter in the last 18 months.

He had medical help, is on anti-depressants, but it appears that he sees the anger as a natural part of himself, I think, and doesn't agree that it's a bad thing.

His mum died from cancer when he was 14, he was farmed out to relatives by his dad.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/08/2014 11:14

My ex left shortly after he began therapy (not the first round, but the first since we'd been together). It seemed to make him even more angry and entitled. Where I'd hear 'oh you have a lot on your plate' from a therapist as an acknowledgment of a situation, he seemed to hear it as a battle cry to force everyone to whom he was in any way responsible to Stop It At Once.

I try not to give it too much headspace as it didn't make sense to me at the time and his behaviour since has been worse.

I mean, people have crap lives and go on to be lovely people.

ravenmum · 29/08/2014 11:20

Was/is his dad also angry? Might he just see it as a genetic thing that he can't help? Or generally just something that, because it is so hard for him to deal with, he thinks is just not going to go away? Has he had any counselling? Sometimes it can take a lot of counselling before you even start to believe that you might be able to change yourself at all.

Otherwise I agree with Latte that there could be something else going on - my husband turned angry when he had his affair. Firstly as he needed to see me as a bitch so it was OK to cheat on me, secondly as having an affair can really take it out of you, and thirdly as he wanted me to think our relationship was over, so he didn't have to break it up.

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 11:22

I know what you mean super

One of the most frustrating (from my POV) parts of the row this morning was that he was consistently blaming everyone/everything else for his angry reactions, a lot of "if you hadn't done this" "if they had done that", and when that didn't work, there was a lot of "Well, other people get angry too, I'm not the only one, look what happened when..."

It really made me see that he considers others to blame for his justifiable reactions (to his mind) and that I should just accept it.

I don't know if this is coming from his previous break down, or if this is something different. I don't know what to do for the best, or if there is even a best.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/08/2014 11:26

You can't control his rash behaviour so just focus on what you and your children need. You can't possibly accept that everyone else is to blame for his anger but you may come to terms with the fact that he will always feel that way.
It might help to tell someone IRL who knows you both and is firmly on your side. That was invaluable for me. Someone to sit with me and listen.

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 11:27

He's just texted me "What the fuck is wrong with me?".

I've replied "There's nothing wrong with you".

he's replied "Who am I, because I do not have a clue anymore?

OP posts:
Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 11:29

His family are all lovely people, his dad was quite taciturn but definitely not an angry man.

When we've fallen out about this before, it's always ended up as the status quo - I did it differently this time and he walked. Sad

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/08/2014 11:30

As long as you don't know what is going on, you can't know what is the best thing to do in the long term. Don't give yourself a headache trying to wok it out, when you can't. Look for the short term things you can do to make the situation less shit for you and the kids. Do you have friends or family for support?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/08/2014 11:33

It's a bit of a cheek (and familiar) that he's making you responsible for his behaviour.
He might well need someone to talk to but he shouldn't be asking you to let him off the hook.

ravenmum · 29/08/2014 11:35

What did you do differently? Didn't put up with it? Don't blame yourself for his walking out. That was his choice.

Was the status quo good?

Tapirbackrider · 29/08/2014 11:44

I'm going to be away from the thread - he's texted me things to make me worried about his safety, so I'm contacting people/police to get this sorted.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Granville72 · 29/08/2014 11:50
Flowers
Anotherchapter · 29/08/2014 11:57

tapir please read/down load the book 'depression fall out'

It was a real eye opener for me.

tipsytrifle · 29/08/2014 12:07

Tapir - i logged in to suggest you do exactly what you're doing now.
My senses got that tingly thing going when i sense someone's at risk.

Yes, your DH needs help right now. Good luck!

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LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 29/08/2014 13:31

Hope you have found him ok

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:45

I hope you are all safe x

VanitasVanitatum · 29/08/2014 13:49

Hope you're both OK op Flowers

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