Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me understand what is going on and how I can get it to stop ....

(63 Posts)
PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:28:41

I feel quite ridiculous. And I have name changed (I hope! my computer is being v weird).

I am on a committee and I am powerfully physically/mentally/emotionally attracted to a man on the committee. I was immediately drawn to him the instant we met. It was a perfectly ordinary moment and I remember it clearly.

He's not particularly my "type", he is quite a bit older than me, he is happily married (and to be clear I am not interested in any kind of relationship with anyone in a relationship with someone else). So on paper, he a nice normal chap, with whom I have fairly banal conversation with every 4-6 weeks.

It is such a physical sensation though and it started pretty much immediately on meeting him, before I got to know him as a person. Tonight as soon as I saw him I felt electrified. I felt sure everyone could see what was going on with me. I don't think they could but I felt like I was shooting sparks everywhere. I put all my energy into simply listening to the meeting and contributing but it was a massive effort.

I feel completely horny - not for sex, but for him. If he was a single person I would like nothing more than to spend time alone with him, hold his hand, touch his face. The physicality of these feelings are becoming quite overwhelming for me.

It's not like I spend lots of time thinking about him - before we met tonight it was about 6 weeks since I last saw him - I have thought about him a little bit but very fleetingly - I'm certainly not obsessed with him. But I did start to feel excited at the prospect of seeing him this afternoon and when I did seem him it was like BOOM, in my face, overwhelming physical sensation in every cell of my body.

Just to be clear I don't want to feel this way and I would never act on any of this with someone in a relationship. I can't imagine he would ever act inappropriately either.

But where does this come from? What can I do about it? Why does it feel so intense? Of course I have been attracted to men before but never felt like this - well perhaps not since I was a teenager and perhaps not even then (I am now mid 40's & mother of 2). It's such a physical thing - I feel it throughout my body, my sense of smell is enhanced, I see light differently and now 3 hours after our meeting I'm left with an achey echo.

It did strike me that perhaps I feel this way as he is simply a lovely man who is nice to me after 7 years with an EA XP and 2 years single since. And that thought made me cry - actually sob with dread that this could be true and I was that sad an individual. But I know lots of other lovely straight men who treat me with care and respect and I don't feel like this about them.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way about anyone.

As I said, it was an instant physical sensation (for me) when we met, and as we have slowly got to know each other it just gets stronger and stronger.

I also think in some way there is a mutual connection - not that he feels the same way about me, but it is fairly clear we have some kind of connection or spark between us. Ideally he would make a lovely wise kind friend, but while I am having such powerful feelings zooming around it is impossible.

In a small way I enjoy these feelings. It's a reawakening. I enjoy it because it gives me hope that after my dreadful time with XP, I could possibly have a lovely relationship with someone and feel amazing things about someone (not this man but someone else) at some point in the future. But why am I feeling like this about this man? This totally unsuitable, unavailable man who really I don't know very well?

I absolutely don't want to leave the committee - it is an important part of the rebuilding my life after ending a disasterous relationship. I enjoy it, and it makes me feel really good and positive about my new life and I am making a valuable contribution to what we are doing as a group.

any advice dear vipers? Can I stop this madness without cutting all contact?

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:31:21

oh dear that was long .........

PPaka Thu 28-Aug-14 22:33:28

Wow
I felt this before, but fortunately he's in another country

No advice sorry
For me it was just as inexplicable

BertieBotts Thu 28-Aug-14 22:35:59

I've seen threads on this before and it really fascinates me! No idea though, I've never had it.

I have had crushes on unavailable people though before and I got over it eventually by just being around them, acknowledging it to myself but not acting on it.

NormHonal Thu 28-Aug-14 22:38:54

Wow indeed.

I do know what you mean, I've experienced this twice, both times on meeting people, once I hadn't even met the guy, just saw him across a room.

FWIW, neither relationship went anywhere and it didn't translate to sexual chemistry with one of them.

And I didn't experience it with DH.

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:40:30

I've had a few crushes on people as a teenager and in my 20's - but they have been people I've know and spent lots of time with. This feels quite different.

I feel like a science experiment smile

PPaka thanks for making me smile - I feel lighter.

Bertie to date I've been acknowledging it to myself, and not making a big deal of it. Tonight was just so intense - KA POW!! It's shocked me.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 28-Aug-14 22:45:47

I too had this, not much later came the menopause.
Our eyes met and it was electric, which really freaked me out as me and dh had same electric love at first sight stuff.
Wasn't looking for it, didn't need it as really happy with dh.

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:50:10

not much later came the menopause
Oh fucking hell! Perhaps its a precurser

I'm just going to have to get a grip somehow aren't I?

Perhaps I could take my electric bug bite zapper device and start zapping myself randomly during meetings?

overslept Thu 28-Aug-14 22:51:15

When I first met the person I am now in a relationship with (met him 2/3 years ago but only got together very recently) I couldn't speak to him. He said hello and I stood there frozen unable to say a word, he looked really awkward and then went back in his house. I couldn't take my eyes off him or move or speak. It was really strange... We were both in serious relationships but I sort of knew something was different. My whole body felt really odd.

Ignored each other for years other than passing "hello". Then I visiting a friend who is a relative of his, I stayed at their house and he was living there at the time, we actually spoke properly and hit it off instantly. I now live with him. I moved in with him after not having any contact with him for 4 months and having spent just a few days together months before... It's all really strange!

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:51:40

morethan it must have been lovely to feel like this, and be able to act on it (with your now DH) and have the feelings reciprocated. <sigh>

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:53:38

You too overslept! so for you it was an indication of love, mutual attraction. But that isn't going to happen here - it's all so miss placed.

Stupidhead Thu 28-Aug-14 22:56:21

I was living with my ex and met a guy at a wedding we both attended (me and ex).i spent all night talking to him and didn't want to leave his side. It really was kapow! I can't remember his name or his face and only remembered his job and a filthy story he told me about Leticia Dean and a friend of his. I married my now ex and suffered a lot of EA, but this strange guy kept me going in my head. Weird. Haven't thought about him for years until I saw this tonight. No advice apart from lock it away in your head and enjoy it in there!

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 22:58:39

I wish I could lock it away in my head - I could deal with that. It's the full body electric tingling I can't handle.

overslept Thu 28-Aug-14 23:02:12

Actually I wasn't attracted to him! It was so odd, it was more like a strong striking feeling then an attraction that wasn't sexual if that makes any sense. It was followed by an almost knowing sensation that somehow he would be involved in my life but I ignored it as I was in a relationship. I even moved away for a while. It was such a strange set of events that made this all happen.

He is really not my type and when I first met him I admit I was a bit judgey. He was wearing scruffy work clothes, think tracksuit bottoms with paint on etc and smoking, he has tattoos and looks really dodgy, perhaps even a little intimidating. He is actually lovely, soft as muck and a total plonker!

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 23:07:28

Oh - well I am (inexplicably) attracted to this guy.

I've only ever seen him in his scruffy work clothes too. He's short, bald and old. confused

His mind is wonderful though.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Thu 28-Aug-14 23:08:08

What a lovely, amazing, feeling. I am so sorry he's not single for you to explore it futher sad

Chemistry smile

However, I don't know what you do about it when he is married. You can't explore it, but it's an incredibly strong feeling to just ignore.

It would be easiest to resign from the committee. Are you being honest with yourself about the reasons you aren't going to do that? Could you take a break from it for a couple of meetings?

I think it is so easy to slip into an affair, especially when YOU have nothing to lose and clearly would love to share this feeling with someone. It's easy to say you wouldn't, much less easy to actually resist, especially when you have been in a bad relationship then single for a while. It's a lovely feeling and ego boost to have someone make you feel special etc.

If you aren't going to resign from the committee and you aren't going to have an affair with him it would be good to avoid any 'out of committee' contact with him - no swapping of mobile numbers, no agreeing to do tasks together, no travelling anywhere together, lift sharing with another committee member to and from the meetings. Put practical barriers in place as well as will power.

Typical that he's married sad

singaporefling Thu 28-Aug-14 23:11:46

Had this about 10 years ago, completely overwhelming/electric/couldn't breathe properly/blushed terribly in his presence (I'm firmly in middle age!!). I 'gave into it' - does that make me 'bad' - he still has the same effect on me - I feel quite pathetic still about the whole thing, but yes truly powerless. It's not about one thing in particular - it's just a connection unlike anything I've ever known. It's not right/wrong for me - it just 'is' - can't imagine it ever changing and never known anything like it before or since and am convinced I never ever will. We don't live together - but we are ALWAYS together - sounds daft I know....

overslept Thu 28-Aug-14 23:16:20

I like this thread, but at heart I'm a doe eyed, romantic who loves stories like these. On the outside I'm a total cynic grin

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 23:16:20

It's unfair isn't it - boo bloody hoo!! Why can't I get this incredible feeling for someone suitable & available.

Apart from me not wanting to be involved with a MM at all, from comments he has made his marriage is very strong. I also think he is quite religious (I am an atheist).

I may be wrong but I do think if he went completely crazy and made any move on me it would be like a bucket of cold sick and would be the "cure" itself - he wouldn't be the person I think he is.

But I really don't think there is any danger at all of that. This is something I need to deal with, for me.

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 23:21:47

not bad Singapore.
I simply couldn't cope with any kind of duplicity in my love life - it would mess me up way too much, and I've had enough mess in my life already.

I want real, I want proud, I want shared and open and honest. I find love again I want to be a family with the person. I could not cope with love in a closet not matter how powerful the feeling was.

PartTimeModel Thu 28-Aug-14 23:27:12

Latte yes I am being honest with myself about why I want to be on the committee. I'm really proud of what I am doing and the committee and what we are achieving gives me a massive amount of happiness and boosts my self worth - it's like a tonic for me. And it fits in well with my young DC - which is fantastic as many things are hard to work around young children when you are SP.

My enjoyment is despite the feelings I have for him, not because of them.

overslept Thu 28-Aug-14 23:32:07

I think you are being very sensible to not give in to the feelings and very strong. When I properly fell for the man who had given me these feelings some 2 years before, I was still in a relationship. I spent the week spending more time with him than the friend I was meant to be visiting. Every night we would go out and sit in his car on the drive so we didn't wake anybody in the house up and we behaved like teenagers drinking beers and sneaking back into the house in the early hours. I fell so hard it was unreal. Nothing happened between us as I was still with ex, but we both obviously felt it. I went back to my house miles away and we didn't talk for 4 months. I left my ex as I realised it was over between us and hadn't been great for some time and also having such strong feelings for somebody else made me think it was better to just end it so I did. After I ended it I needed to move house, the friend who I had visited suggested I move back to that area. I got a message then from the man I'd fallen for, after not speaking for months, asking me if i'd like to move in with him. I did!

Twinklestein Thu 28-Aug-14 23:33:01

I've experienced this several times - with past bfs, with my husband, but also with men I really didn't have much in common with, they just happened to be superhot...

I don't think it's a sign of star-crossed lovers it's simply how you react to some men.

bumdiedum Thu 28-Aug-14 23:38:50

It sounds like your ol' chemistry. I read ages ago that you fancy different guys when your on the pill from when your not. Bit extreme to start taking it though! (or stop, whichever).

LatteLoverLovesLattes Thu 28-Aug-14 23:40:16

It sounds like you are really getting your life back together smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now