Anyone hired a private detective?

[conway]

I would like a divorce but have kept putting it off for years and just can't quite do it. My husband threatening not to pay the school fees didn't help.
I suspect that he has been unfaithful as I admit that for the last year or so have been checking his messages after discovering condoms in his pocket.
When I tackled him about the condoms he said they were are old ones,we used.
He goes abroad a lot for work and out drinking quite a lot so I suspect there may be some one night stands but I have no real proof only an odd message meeting someone for dinner in USA.
I wonder if a detective would help me get some evidence ,then I feel it would help me get out of my marriage.

[Meerka]

Yeah for another situation but really it doesnt sound like you need one.
"this isnt working" and stick to it is enough.

detective-ing is an unregulated profession so you take pot luck with who you find and how good/professional they are.

[spine]

Why do you need proof?

Just leave.

[Bogeyface]

I can see why the OP wants proof if only so she can use it as leverage against the school fees. I am guessing that he is Mr Perfect on the outside and would hate people to know about his extra curricular activities (if indeed he has any).

Someone on MN did and got the info she needed, her STBX still doesnt know just how much she knows about his new life, OW etc, she is keeping her powder dry until she needs it.

But....as he travels a lot you could be looking at international companies to be sure of his true activities and that will cost a lot. May be worth speaking to a company that works in the UK and US and see what they say.

[hamptoncourt]

Even if you got your evidence, you do realize he will still tell anyone and everyone that you are mad/lying/frigid/controlling etc etc don't you?

If you are in the UK, it makes no difference whatsoever to any financial outcomes whether DH is just an annoying bastard, or if he has slept with half your county. The courts will not take his cheating into account when deciding things like whether he pays school fees.

If you are unhappy divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

Save the money you would waste on a PD and spend it on a really good lawyer.

[EarthWindFire]

If you are in the UK, it makes no difference whatsoever to any financial outcomes whether DH is just an annoying bastard, or if he has slept with half your county. The courts will not take his cheating into account when deciding things like whether he pays school fees.

^ this.

There is no fault' on financial remedy on divorce so it makes no difference as to what he has or hasn't been up to.

[Sandybeach2]

I am looking for advice as I am also thinking of using a PI. I think my husband is hiding assets. My husband is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling. My husband has little contact with his family and has no friends. I have recently found details regarding his unlawful activities in his youth, which explains his parents attitude towards him. My husband has always maintained his parents did not like me which was why they did not want to see him. My husband has spent over £65,000 during our 20 years of marriage which he refuses to account for. All bank and utilities are password protected on his computer and he will not allow me access. We have always had separate bank accounts. My husband leaves the house at night at around midnight after I have gone to bed for about 15 mins a time, says it's for cigarettes but he has packets in the house. The final straw is he is facilitating my 18 year old daughters realationship with a 30 year old polish man which is threatening her education. Iam accused of being pathetic and clingy by my husband. Please can anyone give me some advice as I think I am going mad

[Bogeyface]

The courts will not take his cheating into account when deciding things like whether he pays school fees.

The court won't take it into account, but I bet the STBX would. Its not about what the court knows to men like this but about his image. In the other MNers case, she is keeping her powder dry to blow his new "perfect" life apart just after she has got the divorce and the settlement she wants.

But sometimes its just about knowing that you are not mad, you are not paranoid, that it really is him. In terms of your mental health, knowing that you were right all along can be worth the money a PI would cost.

Sandy There are specialist accountants (Forensic Accounts?) that would go through his records with a fine toothed comb, he wont get a choice about this. BUT......you need to hit hard and fast in order to get access to them, so you need legal advice. Make the most of the free half hours to see as many lawyers as you can until you find one that specialises in this sort of problem. Hiding assets is very common, it can be dealt with, but do it on the quiet. Dont mention divorce, play nice while you are getting legal advice on the side.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

You don't need a private detective just put a tracker on the car and a keylogger on his phone and computer.

[WellWhoKnew]

It doesn't matter whether or not he is committing adultery, you can still divorce him for unreasonable behaviour (even if his behaviour isn't all that unreasonable). Divorce itself is almost impossible to contest: once one person wants out of the marriage, the marriage is over.

Nobody cares who divorces who, on what grounds. It is largely a bureaucratic exercise.

Where 'divorce' gets acrimonious, is usually surrounding the 'Ancilliary Relief' matters, which to you and me means 'the money'! Far from being 'ancilliary' - it is usually the most stressful part of divorce. As well as that there is the Child Arrangement Orders to (dis)agree about.

It's worth reading up on Family Law to understand what actually happens if you end up in an acrimonious divorce. I read Gordon and Slater's Family Law, and so far it's been pretty accurate on what to expect, what not to do all the processes ex cetera.

Don't start with a PI - a waste of money. Start with finding a solicitor you want to work with, since if your husband gets difficult - they are going to know every single thing about your life! Best find one you can confide in.

[WellWhoKnew]

Sandy

A PI will tell you your husband is up to no good. But it's far cheaper and easier to say: I hate being married to you, I'm off. It sounds like it's time for you to make that decision rather than trying to find concrete reasons to compel you to go.

Also 65K over 20 years, is roughly 3K per year. It'll cost you way in excess of that to get answers. If you genuinely believe that he is hiding assets, then opt for a timetabled divorce (cost around 5K - 20K depending on how difficult he is) which forces him to disclose. Really ridiculous divorces are way in excess of 20K, which can only be worth it if it's going to get you 21K+ more than otherwise (and you can afford the 20K to start with!).

Divorce in Hollywood films is the spouses arguing over the table, over who deserves what, with solicitors sitting next to them looking uncomfortable. It's nothing like that in real life, I can assure you. You won't get any compensation for him being a dick, I'm afraid. Only if he's a dick with the legal process...

[Sandybeach2]

Bogeyface, thanks I have heard of forensic accountants, but I am unable to access any accounts as he manages them all on line.
Wellwhoknew, you are right, I am looking for concrete reasons, as although I hate him at times, there is the superficial semblence of normality,. I am dreading the inevitable fall out and upheaval to our children, ( although they are 16 and 18) , I'm frightened of how I will cope financially as I work part time, and I suppose at the bottom of this is that I think the children will blame me and side with my DH. What really gets to me is that he thinks he is so clever and that I'm stupid. He works from home so I never have any time on my own, he even complains when I have leave, that I'm getting in his way! I know it's over it's having the strength to start what I know will be a period of hell. Sorry for the self pitying post, but as I am writing this, all I had ever hoped for is gone, and I feel so lonely .

[Joysmum]

A forensic accountant would need permission from the person they are examining.

[Bogeyface]

Joys I thought a court could order one to go through a persons finances if the judge felt there was justification?

[WellWhoKnew]

Bogey yes, you're right, a judge has the power to order it, but it ain't Mr&Mrs Taxpayer who pays the bill.

It is the impoverished, divorcing spouse...

So you've got to be certain that it's worth it. It costs thousands!

Sandy - a shit marriage is just that and it's horrible that you're in one. Rather than remain in it, do a little research - have a chat with a solicitor as to where a divorce would leave you financially. Take with you any paperwork with your name on and any 'knowledge' you have (but not the paperwork) of his earnings, assets, pensions etc (you may not have any so don't worry too much) and see what they say. A divorce is a ticket to freedom. An appointment with a solicitor does not mean you are getting divorced.

I can't say how your sons will react. When my parents split up, my brother and I were similar ages our response was "we wondered why it had taken you so long?", which stunned our parents.

And don't worry: my husband thinks he's uber intelligent and I'm a dumb blonde. My SHL is a very intelligent woman. I don't communicate with him. I remain blonde. We are having a wonderfully acrimonious divorce. It doesn't have to be that way - but at least a divorce ends. A shit marriage never does.

Take care to both of you (OP and Sandy)

[Sandybeach2]

Dear WellWho Knew, thank you for your calm measured message. Ticket to freedom is exactly what I am looking for. I am going to seek legal advice next week, and will spend this weekend quietly looking for any random documents I can dig out. I have stayed with husband this long for a number of reasons, but mainly for our children. However, I do believe however bad things get, nothing stays the same, ( except for being in a shit marriage!). The fact you are also experiencing an acrimonious divorce but sound upbeat gives me encouragement, as I am longing for the day I do not have to hear his controlling criticising voice on a daily basis again! Thankyou

[MeganBacon]

As other posters point out, it will make no financial difference whatever he has been doing. However, if you are unsure, have no concrete proof and find yourself wanting to believe him, it may be better to have proof to make it a cleaner cut emotionally for you. I always believe the best in people (I'm gullible and naive) so I understand the need for that proof. Others have more conviction and could save themselves the expense. The OP will know which camp she's in.
Just a word of caution: I knew someone who got all manner of concrete proof once but still couldn't leave. In her case, having proof was just a catastrophe they are still working to recover from 10 years later. If you bother to get the proof, make sure you will act on it by leaving, otherwise there are only downsides.