Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have you ever told someone to LTB in real life....? Did they?(70 Posts)
Just remembered an incident many years ago when a girl I worked with was telling me about her 'lovely' new boyfriend and how caring & attentive he was. After just three dates he was already choosing her outfits, telling her how to have her hair cut and trying to veto her going out with friends for the evening. Not long out of an EA relationship myself at that stage I grabbed the poor girl like a Shakespearean soothsayer and predicted doom and disaster if she didn't LTB. Bless her, she dumped him.
I am one of many people telling a dear friend she should LTB. She still hasn't. And believe me she really, really should.
Yes. No she didn't.
He left her 2 years later, with no money, 2 kids and dealers knocking on the door for £2000 he owed them
Oh and it was her fault coz she's 'emotional and a crazy bitch'
Oldest friend, husband had serious mental illness poor chap, but he tried to strangle her and waved an axe around. She asked me if she should leave but tbh I think she'd realised that she should already, but for her marriage was for life. I was afraid it was going to be for death, too.
She was headed right down the 'I provoked him, I should have done this that and the other' path. Somehow she managed to make the decision to leave against all her conditioning.
Iirc when she asked I didn't say Yes outright (though I was screaming it inside) but said something like "It's your choice but I don't think he's going to get better"
It took a long time (a couple of years) and getting her to think for her self properly about her own situation. Fear of him kept her within this for a long time; fear is without doubt in my mind one of the reasons why she could not just up and leave. That and her perceived shame and embarrassment for both herself and her family amongst other reasons but those were the main two.
I gently questioned my friend and listened, got her to think over time about what life would be like without him in it. She came to her own conclusions in time that life would indeed be better without his constant criticism of her (and by turn their child who was fast becoming a witness to all this as well). She had to come to that realisation herself that this was not healthy. I gave her the tools, it was up to her to do what she wanted with them.
She is now free of him day to day but he is still being difficult unsurprisingly (my DH never liked him either).
Yes. More than once. He moved our but she had him back
after realising that living a single life is quite costly
When we were in our early twenties a groups of friends and I staged a sort of "intervention" with a friend who had a twat of a boyfriend. We told her to LTB. She did, but then she already had serious doubts so I don't think it was really because of us. She got back together with him six months later and told him how much we all hated him, which made social events very awkward.
Last year I persuaded a friend not to LTB. She and her husband had grown apart, he wasn't abusive in any way. She was all set to leave and
I persuaded her to give it another chance. Now things are vastly improved, they have been to relationship counselling and she is very glad that she didn't leave him.
A very dear friend is married to an absolute arsehole. The first time I met him, he was waiting for her outside work on pay day so he could take her atm card to get some money to go drinking all weekend. The last time I saw him he tried to grope me in front of her and a pub full of people. In between he did numerous really awful things to her including pushing her around, but apparently that didn't count as violence because he didn't actually hit her.
I did tell her to ltb, so did her parents and siblings. But she is still with him and none of us see her any more
For 2 years a formerly close friend of mine went out with a man who kept trying to dump her. He was a banker and she was so desperate to marry him that she clung to him, ignoring everything that he and her friends said to the contrary.
When he did finally give her the boot she was pole-axed, and regretted the waste of 2 years.
If only she had listened to us eh?
Yes, and I was so concerned about their dc that I would have called SS if she'd stayed (he was violent and emotionally abusive). Thank God, our conversation woke her right up, she left the bastard and never looked back.
Yes i did, she didn't leave - but he did leaving her with 2 under 2's to cope with and a lot of debt. he's still being a dick to her.
Yes I did. My friend's new bloke was a nasty, amoral, feckless, criminal waste of space who wasn't even allowed to see his own DC unsupervised. She moved him in undeclared and risked her tenancy and benefits. She started drinking lots with him, neglecting her DC and became someone I didn't recognise. She would complain about him constantly and I told her to LTB til I was blue in the face. Looked after and fed her DC, gave her somewhere to run to when she needed a break and ended up receiving a fair amount of verbal abuse from him for trying to help her.
Eventually he beat her up and trashed her house in front of her DC. She left him, I supported her with police statements and cleaning up the house. 2 weeks later she went back to him. I haven't seen her in over a year. Last I heard she had significant social service involvement and her ex was taking her to court for residency of the DC.
A really close married friend turned out to be unhappily married, although I'm not sure she knew that until she met and started flirting with someone else who apparently made her feel really 'alive'
It just kept sounding worse especially after I found out that he lived with someone.
Not only that but he wasn't divorced from his wife
Friend left her husband but kept seeing this man even though it must've been just as clear to her as it was to me, that it would end in tears.
I didn't mince my words at all, but it took her a long time to see sense and has had a lasting effect on her. She knew all the reasons why it was all kinds of wrong but he seemed to have a mesmerizing effect on her.
Yes. Three times. Twice they did. The third (and current one) she hasn't, although she keeps on saying she will, and then changing her mind. The first two were just unpleasant tossers and the women in relationships with them were obviously unhappy. The third one is being physically, emotionally and financially abused. It's horrible.
Of the 2 who did leave, I almost lost a friendship because of it. It was risk I was willing to take because I couldn't stand to see her so unhappy and throw away her life.
Someone very very close to me.
She did. Not on my advice though, she was kicking him out anyway, which he
Then she took the bastard back.
I'm biting my tongue now.
Yes. A few days before a wedding that I suspected was going to tip her over the edge. She admitted she was dreading the wedding and cancelled it, he moved out days later. She was glad I said something.
I had a feeling he was a twat but it turned out he'd done time for rape so my spidey senses were working <phew>.
The first one - she was with someone who didn't seem to want to actually be with her, kept putting her down, adversely commenting on her appearance (and she already had very low self-esteem anyway) etc. So I and another friend told her to stop wasting her time with the loser as he was clearly only marking time with her.
She dumped him.
He chased after her, they got back together, got married and are still together 20y later.
The second one - her DH had already walked out. He kept telling her she was a mad bitch, that everything wrong in their marriage was her fault and he wasn't going to change or do anything different so she might as well stop nagging him (he's a neanderthal prick who expects her to not only be the 1950s housewife, but to do it silently and without complaint). She is technically a feisty take-no-nonsense woman - but she has underlying 1950s housewife tendencies, as well as a "need" for a man in her life. So - he kept leaving her for weeks at a time and each time I told her to tell him to fuck off out of it and not bother coming back - each time, she let him back. Now she has "accepted" that it's her attitude that's at fault and she puts up with his shit to keep him. She also no longer tells me what goes on in their marriage - in fact I've been sidelined quite heavily - and that's probably the best way forward. We're not such good friends now, although we still see each other - just everything is on a more superficial level.
Argh - meant to say re. the first one that they are HAPPILY married - his attitude changed enormously towards my friend after she dumped him!
A very close family member.
He had already destroyed her though.
But we got her out eventually and she's doing fine now many many years on.
She'll always bear the scars though.
I wish she has listened and got out earlier but that's the way it goes.
Also a friend of my DD. After a while now on MN I had some good advice for her.
She has now moved on and is with a nice partner (I hope!)
Yes. I also called the police because he was abusing her and threatening their tiny DC. She eventually left (not on my advice but because he was getting worse) but took him back a few months later. He's still there.
Kind of. On the day my best friend was getting married I asked her if she really wanted to do it. If she didn't she could get in my car and drive away and I'd deal with everything. She married him.
If she had listened to me she wouldn't have had her (totally awesome) DD. They split up when the DD was a toddler and had a very messy divorce and he still is an arse now.
I didn't ask the same question on the morning of her second wedding. She met a man who was worthy of her and I very much approve of how she traded up!
Yes, I did. Reader, she married him. Bit embarrassing. He actually changed his (cheating) ways and they seem quite happy.
Yes my Dsis, she married him and divorced ten years later. She said that it was a bit of a I told you so time but I was very restrained and didn't. He had already been done for fraud and was proper Bona fide scum.
He never paid any maintenance and the CSA sent a letter saying he owed her 36k. One of her sons has been to prison twice and her youngest only just avoided it because the prisons are over flowing.
As well as being a criminal he treated her so badly she developed an eating disorder.
Yes. About five years ago I made sure she knew that she could always stay at mine if things got difficult, even on very short notice. The subtext was clear.
She left him a few weeks ago to my delight.
Join the discussion
Please login first.