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Ex husband still being awful, 6 years on. Any advice?

(45 Posts)
Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 12:42:27

Hes still being a dick.
Its somewhat infuriating as we separated nearly 6 years ago. He is re married and has a baby on the way, you would have thought he might have better things to do with his time.

This comes off the back of him ruining half of DD's wardrobe. He had her for 2 weeks, i sent most of her wardrobe. It came back mostly dyed black, or grey, or sludge colour. He confessed to two items and said he would pay for them, i kept finding more and more as we unpacked the bags, sent him photo evidence. Since then he has declared the following:
1) there is nothing wrong with any of the clothes
2) the clothes came to him in that condition
3) The clothes never came to him, he never saw them

DD is upset as they are her fav items, she saw what happened.
I have tried explaining that any person who cared, let along father, would say sorry to her and replace the items. Hes blaming me for DD being upset, he cant understand that shes nearly 9, not 2, shes going to be upset, its her stuff, it means a lot to her.

So, i got a ton of abuse about how its my fault, how im a shit parent, how he cant wait till dd is older and can pick to live with him, and a ton of emotional abuse.

Also, he had dd for whole weeks, spanning 2 weekends. Im now off work and have DD for two weeks. I work sundays, so this is a sunday off ( coming up) and about my second sunday off in a whole year as i work them and save my holiday days to cover school holidays. Anyway, he phones up and said he wants to take DD to drayton manor, and camping for 2 nights, can he have her this weekend. I explain no, its my weekend off, i cant change it and it was booked in January. He pushes it, so i think, ok, it will be nice for DD, ask DD what she wants to do, and say yes. He tells me not to say to DD, after i had told her and asked her what she wanted to do. Turns out he was lying, no intention of taking her away, and thats why he didnt want me to say, so she didnt know.
I have said he can no longer have her since hes not taking her away and we will go back to it being my weekend. He cant make the following weekend due to work, but thats not my issue.
Again, ive been called all names under the sun, shit thrown at me.

Im just so tired of it all. He says one thing, does another. Cant see how anything he does effects DD and just uses it as sticks to beat me with. DD was upset the other week and said she hates going to his, that she can stand a weekend but no longer, and only likes it if they are going somewhere.

I just feel like im stuck, if solve the issue for me, by not sending DD with clothes, i feel like she suffers, which is awful and not fair on her at all. But i cant afford to keep replacing stuff hes trashing. I dont know why he keeps lying about stuff, though he was a compulsive liar when we were married, but its been so long, why? whats the point?

Its like he cant see DD as a person, just an object, he cant recognise she has her own thoughts and feelings and if she voices anything, then its my fault as i must be brainwashing her. It of course cant be that he doesnt treat her like a person. DD has no relationship with him, she cant talk to him about anything, she says this regulary. Its sad. She was upset the other week as apparently he had been telling her she has no sense of humour and doesnt understand jokes made at her expense.

anyway, its 6 years down the line, DD is coming up for 9, we have years ahead of this, in fact i can only see it getting worse as she gets older. Anyone have any tips?

Redtartanshoes Thu 28-Aug-14 12:49:09

I would says stop sending clothes, don't ask to change any weekends if possible and respond to any requests from him to alter plans with a "no that's not convenient". Don't be drawn into conversation with him, where possible, text yes/no.

Lottiedoubtie Thu 28-Aug-14 12:51:18

He sounds like a twat.

Can you buy DD some wearing at dads clothes? Supermarket/primark, just a couple of outfits and only send those with her. Keep sending them even when they are not their original colour? Can you get DD to agree/feel ok with this?

I would refuse to change contact agreements under any circumstance, it's much better for DD to have consistency esp if she doesn't like going she doesn't need extra visits sprung on her. He can't be trusted re. Trips/treats, sounds like he just says whatever he thinks will work for you to let him change.

Ignore any insults etc... Treat him like a toddler in that respect and just don't reply to him. (Keep it all though in case you need it for evidence later).

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 28-Aug-14 12:53:08

I wouldn't send her at all, if she's that unhappy and he's a shot dad then what value does he bring to her life other than misery.

He ruins her clothes and her stays so it seems, maybe it's time for hard ball, I. Assuming he can't afford to go to court? Maybe let it cost hi a few quid see how he likes it, take back the control and your daughter she doesn't need this shit.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 28-Aug-14 12:53:24

Shit dad sorry

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 13:00:44

He could afford to go to court, Hes forces though, so can never agree to a regular pattern.
Ive always tried to be flexiable with weekends, swapping to suit his job, but that means that DD sometimes ends up at his 2 weekends in a row which she hates.

I know ive got to take the tactic that if he cant make his weekend, its just tough, but ive been trying to facilliate a relationship that he clearly puts no value on., he cant do else he wouldnt treat DD like it.

I stopped replying yesterday, even told him i was stopping, and i still got a barrage of ever longer texts telling me how out or order i am, how im x and x, how it was always his weekend, it wasnt, i have to book all my annual leave in January, he knows that. I did actually offer a compromise, he could have her for half the weekend and one night, he told me it wasnt worth the fuel and he had just had her for two whole weeks so what was my issue. which makes no sense to me at all.
Then he tells me the whole issue is my fault as i wont drop dd off at his ( he lives an hour and 20 mins each way, and i cant afford the petrol ) So i am apparently ruining his relationship with DD and im selfish.
Its just incoherent rubbish, makes no sense, cant even argue back because there is no sense to any of it.

But its been 6years, its just nuts.

Redtartanshoes Thu 28-Aug-14 13:06:11

He's only doing it to provoke a reaction, to wind you up. Stop rising to it, ignore ignore ignore and he'll soon get bored

Lottiedoubtie Thu 28-Aug-14 13:06:55

Don't reply to this shite ever. One response to each new query only.

Ie, can I have DD next weekend?

'No not your weekend, it's not convenient'

-radio silence-

Or,

'Yes, the arrangement is you pick up at X o'clock Y day and return between X-Y on Z day'

-radio silence-

Never ever reply to abusive or rude messages. He can't upset you if you don't let him. (In practice obviously that's really hard but if you can harden your heart to him it'll help massively).

Lottiedoubtie Thu 28-Aug-14 13:08:43

Also stop trying to facilitate a loving relationship with a man who isn't capable of being that dad. It's not your responsibility to make him into the man your DD deserves him to be. He just isn't. All you can do is keep her visits to him short, and only when strictly necessary.

Holdthepage Thu 28-Aug-14 13:11:50

He sounds horrific. What type of father ruins his DD clothes & then denies it? As for making jokes at her expense, he ought to be ashamed of himself but he sounds like a Grade A bully.

I would let your DD choose what clothes to take there in future, in view of what happened. Cheap stuff from Primark rather than her favourite things if you can afford to.

Keep communication with him to a minimum & file his abusive rants away in case you need them as evidence in the future.

Your DD will soon be old enough to make her own mind up about seeing him & it sounds as though she will want to stop going there if he carries on this way.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 13:23:33

In theory i know all that, it trundles along ok, and then flares up and m left blindsided that hes still the twat i left and is still being an utter dick.

Its crap for DD, shes the most wonderful girl, but he is just shit with her. I dont see how he cant see that him trashing her favourite dress and clothes isnt going to upset her.
how can he blame me for that?

Holdthepage Thu 28-Aug-14 13:28:04

Stop listening to him OP, he is your ex for a reason. You are trying to justify yourself when there really is no need. It isn't you it's him.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 13:28:27

Primark is rubbish for DD, her issue is shes the size of a 12 year old, when shes 8, so clothes have to be picked a bit more carefully to fit and be age appropriate.

Leggings and things are fine, but if it were just a case of running into sainsburys and picking up stome stuff it wouldnt be too much of an issue ( bar the cost) except she doesnt even fit in sainsburys clothes anymore as they only go up to age 12.

Shes a size 4 foot too, my giant girl smile

Shes already told me she hates going, but she does love him. She doesnt want to hurt his feelings and made me promise never to tell him. Its just very very rubbish.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 13:30:08

Im just trying to make sense of it, thats all, and work out how to deal with it best for DD

I know its him, but i cant just make him vanish.

Holdthepage Thu 28-Aug-14 13:31:00

I really feel for you OP I would hate to send my child to stay with someone like that, even if it is their father.

Castlemilk Thu 28-Aug-14 13:32:18

You need to understand one most important thing and work from there.

this man does not give a shit about your daughter, and therefore when you bend over backwards to facilitate contact, you may well be facilitating harm to her.

You know this, from every post you write, it's clear. Your poor DD, too - she's got the measure of him. Come to live with him when she's older? You know damn well that the way he treats her, it's more likely she'll get to 14 and drop him like a brick.

And do you know what? For you to teach her that she matters more than he wants her to believe, that she DOES have a right to be seen as a person, that yes if she decides she doesn't want to see him any more then given the way he's treated her, she would be RIGHT to do that, is the best example you could set for her. Not, in other words, seeing her mother bend over backwards to accommodate a nasty, controlling, aggressive man, and teach her that her place is to pacify, accept and enable him too.

Do as everyone else says and simply stop accommodating. Stop engaging. Refuse to be flexible, and if he misses out on time with her, brilliant! - one less weekend of your daughter being taught that self-esteem is for others, not her. Feel guilty? Don't - he's actively trying to hurt her to sabotage your relationship, going by this weekend - he wanted to take her for a third weekend on false pretences, keep her from you - not to give her a treat. That's particularly horrible. Be in no doubt - this man is not good for your daughter. Make that your mantra and live by it. She will thank you one day.

Castlemilk Thu 28-Aug-14 13:36:00

Oh and keep all the rants.

And don't be afraid to talk to your DD about how she feels. Not to blame herself for hating going, that yes he should be doing things differently - that it is NOT her fault. And that he is the adult and she should never feel that she has to do things to please him when it makes her feel bad - because as a parent one of HIS jobs is to make sure that he doesn't make her feel like that.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 13:46:10

We do all that, and im far from passive and its that that causes these issues. If i were passive, it would all be fine.

He usually has DD for half the school holidays, I have to book my holiday at the start of the year, he didnt know when he was going to be off, so i just had to book somethng based on how its been previous years ( his leave is set by his employer) he had a massive go at me for months, then called me in june to say he wouldnt be having DD for 3 weeks as usual as he was going on holiday. DD cheered, i cheered and we were both very happy about that.

DD is very upset that he lied, we have talked about it, shes upset about the clothes issue too. She knows what happened as she saw them do it, so its got nothing to do with me.

I cant stop contact, No court in the land would look on that favourably, and DD doesnt want that either, she still loves him, just doesnt like him all that much.

Im not sure where he has got this idea that DD will come to live with him when shes older, hes always had it, used to say it when she was 3, that when she was 12 he would take her off me or that she would chose to leave me. She wont, there is no way in hell that would ever happen.

elQuintoConyo Thu 28-Aug-14 14:08:25

Shit situation thanks

Maybe try charity shop for cheaper clothes? Perhaps shop alone, if ypur DD is a bit particular about where clothes come from (at that age I didn't mind, by 12 I was mortified! By 16 I was back in there every weekend!!).

It sounds to me like you are doing a great job and keeping a good open dialogue with your DD so she is comfortable standing up for herself and her own needs/wants.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 14:15:11

DD doesnt care where stuff comes from at all, we do a lot of ebay and car boots smile

DD wont stand up for herself to her dad, she came back feeling ill last time, i text him to ask when it started but he said he had no idea. She had puked and he didnt even know She said she wouldnt even bother telling him as she knows he wont listen/ care.

Thats more hurtful than anything to be honest.

However, we are very close, and shes very open with me, possibly too open, but thats fine if shes compensating for the lack of that with her father.

We had a bit of a chat yesterday about all this,and how he had been, shes not of an age where shes unaware of whats going on anymore. I told her i would stick up for her and i didnt mind what he did to me, if thats what she wanted, but that she has to be honest with me and keep talking and we will deal with it all as best we can together. She was happy with that.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 28-Aug-14 14:19:43

OP I can see why he's your ex.
I would go no contact as far as possible and just answer yes/no to his texts.
Don't bend to accommodate him anymore, or else you'll be bending for his new baby soon.
Take control back and ignore his horrible comments and if your dd doesn't want to go certainly don't encourage her. If he starts the abuse tell him the truth, she doesn't want to go.

Vintagecrap Thu 28-Aug-14 14:28:25

Last time i told him she didnt want to go, he questioned her till she was crying and then told her she was being stupid.

because of DD's age, if it went to court, contact would still be enforced, so, whatever i do, needs to also put DD first and not in a postion where shes going to be more upset or feel awful, i have to keep this in mind.

Ill limit my contact with him for a while, hes not having her this weekend nor the next, so we have a few weeks before we have to see him again.

We are both hoping the new baby is going to distract him and take some of the focus off DD.

Oh, these arent half the reasons i left him, he was abusive in every way possible and cheated on me more times than i can possibly count.

His last gem last night was ' you try to make it look like you are helping but really you are controlling and manipulative nad need to have at look at your actions.
my actions being nothing. He lied about taking DD somewhere for the weekend, ruined her clothes then denied it happened. I logically know this is all because i have stood up to him, but its just so mentally and emotionally exhausting. Like i say, its not like we have only just got divorced. We have now been apart only 2 years less than we were married. Bloody ridiculous.

Hissy Thu 28-Aug-14 14:35:54

DD sometimes ends up at his 2 weekends in a row which she hates

contact is for the benefit of DD, not your ExH. Ask her and see what she wants to do when and inform him of that accordingly. If she wants to go, that's fine, if not, then no issue either.

From now on no wiggle room. If you want to arrange a holiday, you arrange it and then inform him IF it's relevant. IF he wants to have his stuff considered, then it's up to him to inform you.

No rudeness will ever be responded to, nor considered. If he can't behave like a human being then he won't be treated like one.

He ruined her dress on purpose to deliberately hurt her to hurt YOU. THAT IS HOW MUCH HE HATES YOU.

He is a very sad little man, nothing will change that. Know that the LEAST amount of contact your DD has with him will be the best for her.

Rules change now. You are the Resident Parent. YOU take control.

yeah it will drive him mad, but if he stupidly texts you insults and abusive messages, you can take this up with the police or a solicitor. do NOT allow him to bully you again.

come on here and vent, we'll help you calm yourself/sit on your hands etc smile

Hissy Thu 28-Aug-14 14:37:47

If he emotionally abuses her, report this to the GP, to SS and look at taking it to court to reduce contact if you can.

You will NOT allow him to verbally interrogate her until she cries.

I'm in a very similar position, 6 years after divorce & exh still trying to control everything. DD is 12 and we have a whole new set of issues regarding boundaries/freedom etc. he wants to treat her like she's 5 still & doesn't agree with me on wanting her to be able to walk to school/meet friends etc. He's taken her phone, banned Internet/social media & refuses to allow her to meet friends.
We've tried meeting to discuss things but all I was met with was constant criticism over every decision I have made regarding our children & basically I'm a shit parent. I have gone along with a lot of his wishes instead of going with my own opinions of what I think is right. He's controlling, emotionally abusive, also a pathological liar & the sad thing is I can see dd being controlled & manipulated in the same way. She also doesn't want to go to his anymore which we have told him but he refuses to believe this anything more than because I let her do what she wants (she certainly doesn't when in my care). I have been threatened with him going for full custody if I had gone behind his back & let her go out/walk to school etc. and now because I have said I can't agree with his ways have solicitors involved suggesting mediation. Knowing full well he has no intention on mediating with me or being prepared to compromise on anything.

You have my sympathies op, it's a sad shit situation to be in hmm

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