Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would it bother you never getting married?

(280 Posts)
Wineandmorewine Thu 28-Aug-14 12:07:26

Hi all,

DP and I have been together for 6 years, we have a DD2 and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second, have also just bought our own house and due to move into that in November.

Last night we were discussing the upcoming wedding of our best and DP stated that he has decided he never wants to get married and is totally against it! This has come as a bolt out of the blue as it is something which we had always planned to do (have had many conversations about what type of wedding we would like etc) and also something that is very important to me. When I asked why the change of heart he said that he has seen so many go wrong eg. His parents and grandparents and he wouldn't want to put out DC through that.

Whilst I understand his point, I also said that regardless of whether or not we are married, a break up would effect our children either way and that if we are married we will be in a better place legally.
So I'm asking, what would you do? Do I give up on ever getting married and keep things as they are? Do I leave him in pursuit of marriage?? Which seems silly as it's him I want to marry! Do I try and convince him or is it best I leave it and hope he changes his mind?
Has anyone ever been in this situation?
Thanks for any advice smile

Wineandmorewine Thu 28-Aug-14 12:10:38

I should also add that things have been very stressful as of late and perhaps we haven't been getting on as well as usual. Our DD is very demanding and I don't have the easiest of pregnancies so currently suffering with SPD and struggle with usual daily tasks. Money is tight as we have been saving for a deposit for the new house and also new baby.

Annarose2014 Thu 28-Aug-14 12:21:11

Since you wouldn't have been getting married any time soon with everything, I would drop the subject for now.

I'd say to him "Can we revisit this conversation next year and see how we feel then?" And then do just that.

With things as they are, I certainly wouldn't get into a hypothetical debate right now about what may or may not happen in the future. Lets face it, you are neither of you in a great place so any conversation (like the one you just had) will inevitably be coloured by that. Its not particularly suprising he doesn't have rosy tinted glasses on about marriage if its been difficult lately.

Certainly if the two of you haven't been getting on lately it seems madness to have a conversation about marriage and expect it to be anything other than muted at best.

Wait for a time in the future when things have gotten back to a better situation and you are loved up again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 13:39:54

If he's pulling back on marriage then tell him it's OK to postpone but you and the DCs need financial, legal and other protection. Book an appointment with a solicitor, get things like inheritance and property rights properly sewn up. That way, whether you end up married or not, you're covered.

See what he says to that

"Whilst I understand his point, I also said that regardless of whether or not we are married, a break up would effect our children either way and that if we are married we will be in a better place legally".

How did he respond to those valid points?.

So he's been happy to live with you and for you to give him two children but now he says he is against marriage. Is he really against marriage or is he really not wanting now to marry you?.

Are there wills in place?. Have either of you made a will?. If not make these asap particularly as you now have children.

I would ask him what he thinks would happen to you and his children in the event of him dropping down dead next week.

He needs to be reminded that any split between two cohabitees can be just as prolonged and protracted, perhaps even more so, because in law you are currently seen as two separate individuals. I would agree that he needs to sit in front of a Solicitor and have it all spelt out for him. That may make him sit up and take notice to get yourself and your children more protected financially. Too many people blunder on thinking that the worst will never happen to them.

kaykayblue Thu 28-Aug-14 14:14:51

I think it is extremely bad form for someone to be in a couple, and happily chat away about marriage and the like, and then - SIX YEARS IN - suddenly change their tune. Especially after DC and accomodation have been acquired. It just seems fraudulent to me. You went ahead with those decisions on the assumption that you two would get married - as had been discussed. Now he is pulling back.

I would leave it for a few weeks and then discuss it again. You need to explain to him that marriage has always been important to you, and the underlying assumption throughout the duration of your relationship has been that marriage would happen. If he has suddenly changed his mind, then you deserve to know why.

kaykayblue Thu 28-Aug-14 14:27:50

PS, in answer to your question, yes it would.

My fiancé doesn't really give two shits about marriage, but we are getting married because I have insisted that we be married before we have children (and we were planning on ttc after the wedding next year).

You can be the most loved up couple in the universe, but it doesn't matter. If you're not married, then you have no legal protection whatsoever.

Hakluyt Thu 28-Aug-14 14:31:39

You do have "legal protection" if you organise it. Perfectly easy to do.

DollyMixture99 Thu 28-Aug-14 14:51:11

Well I wouldn't have children outside the legal protection of marriage so yes it's a massive deal breaker for me.

Hakluyt Thu 28-Aug-14 14:52:47

You don't need to be married to have legal protection.

TalcumPowder Thu 28-Aug-14 14:56:56

Exactly what Cogito said. I was the one in our longterm, happy relationship who was adamant I didn't want to marry, and we planned to draw up the legal equivalents (as far as possible), but then we decided to gave a child and it seemed easier to nip down to the registry office, rather than instruct a solicitor.

Your husband is deluding himself if he thinks splitting up would be any easier for the children, legally or emotionally, if you remained unmarried. Some basic legal truths need to be brought home to him, whether the result is a marriage or a set of legal documentation that more or less replicates a marital legal set-up.

crazylady321 Thu 28-Aug-14 15:20:23

No I dont think it would, ive never been botherd about getting married or having a big fancy do (I hate attention). Saying that I was overwhelmed when OH proposed 2 months ago, will be just a small little event though for close family and friends. It does feel very right to be marrying my OH I was asked by an ex and knew straight away I didnt want to.

If he hadnt proposed I wouldnt of been botherd tbh would be happy to live in sin for years as sure wouldnt change the way we feel towards each other

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 15:28:37

Do you have children with 'OH' crazylady321? Your own income? Would your opinion change if you were financially dependent with DCs?

Twinklestein Thu 28-Aug-14 15:31:50

I would never, ever have children with a man who wouldn't marry me. I would not risk my life to bear someone's children, and take the pay hit that comes with raising children, without the legal and financial protection of marriage.

I couldn't give a stuff about marriage itself, if I didn't have kids I probably wouldn't have bothered.

Hakluyt Thu 28-Aug-14 15:34:11

You don't have to be married to hav legal protection.

F0ssil Thu 28-Aug-14 15:37:21

I would tell my daughter the same Twinklestein. I made the mistake of not being married before I had a child and I ended up in a financially insecure situation which is what bothered me more than not being amrried.
He just wanted a situation that suited him better.

your child gets YOUR sur name. The father's sur name can be added easily if you get married later but if you give the child the father's sur name to begin with then it's not simple or easy to change it back without his permission.

Learn from my mistake grin

Not that I care now. Not throwing a backward glance at that dreadful man now, but still. The advice holds up generally.

F0ssil Thu 28-Aug-14 15:40:32

ps, to agree wtih atilathemeerkat, my split with my x was protracted for that reason. I was paralysed by the knowledge that I'd no rights (his house, I'd no job). So, the whole agonising break up took four years as I clung on out of fear, instead of just ripping off a plaster. He can't have enjoyed that either.

You can make wills etc but the fact remains that unmarried couples have very little legal rights because unmarried couples are regarded in law as being two separate individuals unrelated to each other. Also cohabitation splits can also be very messy and protracted.

Twinklestein Thu 28-Aug-14 15:42:51

He needs to be reminded that any split between two cohabitees can be just as prolonged and protracted, perhaps even more so, because in law you are currently seen as two separate individuals. I would agree that he needs to sit in front of a Solicitor and have it all spelt out for him. That may make him sit up and take notice to get yourself and your children more protected financially. Too many people blunder on thinking that the worst will never happen to them.

This. OP if you're not going to get married - and I think you should insist - then make sure you have a cast iron legal agreement with regard to finances & custody in the event of a split. Is he aware of potential inheritance tax liability if one of you dies? Do you have wills?

Is he aware that if he did not go with you to register the birth of the children, he doesn't have automatic parental responsibility for his own children.

F0ssil Thu 28-Aug-14 15:44:26

Again, I also agree with KayKayKay, he got you pregnant (again) and at that moment you thought you'd end up married! Now, when you're five months pregnant he says he doesn't want to get married!

Hakluyt Thu 28-Aug-14 15:44:47

You don't need to be married to have legal protection.

BravePotato Thu 28-Aug-14 15:49:21

How then Hayklut?

make sure you never become a SAHM/financially dependent on him then, if you don't get married.

There is no such thing as a "common law wife".

Who owns the house? or do you rent? Do you both work?

Would he be willing to sign any kind of contract?

If not, make sure you keep your financial independence and some money of your own.

Do some research into the financial side of marriage please.

motherinferior Thu 28-Aug-14 15:50:05

What Hakluyt said.

Hakluyt Thu 28-Aug-14 15:52:06

Thank you BravePotato.

You may have noticed I didn't say that cohabiting couples automatically have the same legal rights as married couples do. What I said was that it is not difficult to put them in place. Without marrying.

JackieBrambles Thu 28-Aug-14 15:54:52

Totally agree with Cogito, tell him that is fine but that you want the legal stuff sewn up so that you are protected. This also needs to take into consideration your (presumably) lower income due to your maternity leaves (if that applies of course).

If you love him and want to be with him then it would seem daft to leave just to pursue 'marriage', if everything else is rosy.
I don't get his point though to be honest, if you make a family with someone and break up it leaves a right mess, married or not!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now