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Heartbroken and not sure what to do

(36 Posts)
Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 09:25:43

First post in relationships so please be gentle. I feel utterly bereft and don't know what to do. 'D' h of 3 years has been lying to me regarding his ex.

I found messages on his facebook account (the ow tipped me off!) basically he was arranging to meet her for sex-was quite explicit about what he wanted to do with her etc and even said to her that I was in the room whilst he was sending these messages and 'if only the bitch knew' referring to me!

He claims that he didn't go ahead with it but, after lots of lies , admitted to giving her a lift home on Tuesday. These messages go back only to the Monday just gone.

I can't eat or sleep, he is claiming to love me, saying it was all a big mistake, can't believe he said those things, was never going to have sex with her. I don't know what to believe. Before all if this I would have said he was a good husband and daddy-the children adore him.

For background, I have 2 children (age 7 and 8) from a previous relationship. They call him daddy-he has brought them up in this capacity since they were young and we have 2 dds (3 and 1) together. We have had a difficult time over the last couple of years both emotionally and financially and he is saying that the stress and the fact that I am difficult to live with (I am) has pushed him into this.

I haven't told anyone in real life as I can't face it. I swing between being upset and angry. We rent our house and I would probably not be able to afford to stay here alone. I don't know if he has had sex with her or not but, that aside, the things that he said and the fact that he was planning to feels overwhelming. I was a single mum to my older 2 children before and the thought of doing that again with 4 children terrifies me. Please help.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 28-Aug-14 09:29:38


I'm sorry. What a huge shock.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 09:32:01

Thank you. All I want to do is sit around and cry but it's the holidays and the children want to go out-not sure if I can hold it together

Leviticus Thu 28-Aug-14 09:36:12

He refers to you as 'the bitch' and blames you for his affair.

Neither of these things are true. Please remember that.

ProfessorPickles Thu 28-Aug-14 09:42:00

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust this man, he called you a bitch and was going to cheat on you (obviously he's going to say he was never going to have sex with her) and was describing what he wanted to do to her.

That is massively disrespectful to sit there sending inappropriate messages to an ex AND slagging you off as he did. What an awful thing to do sad

Nobody deserves that, I have never spoken about someone I love in that way.

Do you think you could ever forgive him? Do you think you'd be able to relax every time he got a message or was late home after this?

For me I think it would play on my mind a lot!

ProfessorPickles Thu 28-Aug-14 09:42:43

And you are definitely not to blame for the affair!!!

If you are unhappy in a relationship you should end it or discuss it with your partner not go elsewhere hmm

AnyFucker Thu 28-Aug-14 09:45:28

Christ, what an utter bastard he is.

He is also a liar, and a manipulator. I couldn't have someone like that around my kids. Send him back to his ex, and get straight on the phone to the Benefits Office and see what they can do to help you stay in your home.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 09:45:43

Yes, that is the problem. How could I ever trust him again? I've always had trust issues anyway. My first husband left me for OW. He had always said that he wouldn't have time for an affair as he is either at work or home. Turns out he can find time during working hours after all. Looking further into facebook most things have been deleted but there is another thread from last year to an old friend saying things like 'looking good girl' etc. this is just banter though, apparently.

maddy68 Thu 28-Aug-14 09:49:48

You need to accept he is lying and he has had an. Affair

You then need. To decide what you are going to do
It does not sound as if he is being him best yet with you, and if you want to continue with him that is fundamental. I would ask him to leave to five you some thinking time. In fact that will crystallise things for both of you. It could just be a crass male ego stupid fling however he needs to know that you won't tolerate this
You are in a position of strength. (Even though it doesn't feel like it right now)
Be strong

ProfessorPickles Thu 28-Aug-14 09:50:36

Compliments like that aren't banter, banter is winding someone up!

Very sorry that you have been cheated on in the past, it really knocked my confidence the second time I was cheated on and I still find it incredibly difficult to trust others.

How has he been treating you lately?
Something I noticed in past relationships was that around the time of cheating my partners were distant, moody and would be aggressive towards me. They had no time for me and everything was my fault.
Does this sound familiar to you at all OP?

maddy68 Thu 28-Aug-14 09:50:39

Honest with you. Bloody I pad!!!

madamemuddle Thu 28-Aug-14 10:04:33


I would be packing his bags right now. I couldn't forgive that. I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again.

I hope you are okay. How awful for you. Your 'D'H is a prize wanker and obviously doesn't deserve you.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 10:10:05

See this is the thing, I hadn't noticed any real change in him, personality wise. When I was cheated on first time round my then H changed dramatically, sex life ground to a halt etc. this hasn't happened this time. I know what I need to do I am just finding it so difficult. I can't focus on anything. He has gone to work (I can only assume) as normal while my life falls apart silently at home. I know that I need to sort out benefits but I don't think that I can stop crying long enough to have a sensible phone conversation. And saying out loud is making it real. I am annoyed with myself too. This is a man that before me regularly used prostitutes. I thought he had changed, was different. I let my children love him and went on to have two more, what an absolute fool I have been. I don't know what I have done to deserve this.

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 28-Aug-14 10:12:28

What a fucker. I hope you haven't bought any of this shit about you being hard to live with has pushed him into it. Your not ever responsible for someone else's choices. Does he generally talk to you in this way , blame you for things and call you names ?

Call down to your council and see what the deal is with housing benefit. You deserve better than this tosser.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 10:15:58

Generally, no he doesn't call me names or treat me badly (so I thought). I am difficult to live with and we have had some very stressful times but I would not have run to my ex at the first opportunity. When I saw the things he had said I realised that maybe I never knew him at all. Thanks for all of your kind words everybody, it means a lot to me.

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 28-Aug-14 10:25:22

Why do you think your difficult to live with ?

TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt Thu 28-Aug-14 10:26:25

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too. Three weeks ago I found out he was facebook messaging his ex too saying awful things about me and arranging to meet her the next day for sex. I know he didn't go but I also know that he would have done if I hadn't seen what he was doing.
It's a horrible feeling. I just want to curl up and forget. I am having awful panic attacks, feel like my children's summer has been ruined, cant eat or sleep and an loosing hours just staring into space.

CripesItsTheGasMan Thu 28-Aug-14 10:40:13

Aww OP , so sorry that you've found your husband out to be a prize dick.

Please try to find some RL support also. Do you have any friends or family that can come over this afternoon?

Even if you are 'difficult to live with', it doesn't give him the excuse to attempt to have an affair and slag you off. He's just using it to justify what he's done and make you feel bad which you shouldn't.

I'm sorry but he would have gone through with it if he wasn't caught and he's only sorry because he's been caught. If I were you, I couldn't trust him again.


Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 10:41:27

Oh God the end. That's exactly how I feel! Do you mind me asking if you made him leave or whether you are trying to work at it? I keep looking at my daughters and wondering how/why he could so that.

I am difficult to live with. I am 38 and going through an early menopause, although this is a recent diagnosis and I would say I suffer from mood swings , anxiety and depression as a result of this. I have always found it difficult to trust him (although deep down I did) and he apparently hated me ever questioning him or checking up on him. In my opinion though he thinks I did this a lot more than I did, I'm reality. I am open with my phone/facebook/email etc and feel that, of he had nothing to god, he would be the same.

I gave up working last year as we couldn't afford the child care costs when my youngest was born, so feel like I am in a weak position financially..

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 10:42:58

I also suffer with self confidence issues- due to the hormone imbalance I lost quite a bit of hair and at a size 14, I feel overweight.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 10:45:39

That should have said if he had nothing to hide!

antimatter Thu 28-Aug-14 10:47:11

I think you need time to work out if you want to have relationship with him.

No one can expect you to decide something like that in any other way but on your terms.

Meanwhile do what other posters say and find out what help is available for you and how to get it.
Once you have all facts and time to think about it you can make informed decision.

Don't let him pressurise you into anything!

LEMmingaround Thu 28-Aug-14 10:49:02

He said that to you and then blames you??? He is not a good husband ,neither is he a good father. A good father wouldn't do that. Nasty cunt

TheEndOfTheWorldAsIKnowIt Thu 28-Aug-14 11:02:39

I haven't asked him to leave. I am also a sahm at the moment so feel vulnerable but have kept him at a distance I just feel so hurt it is aactual pphysical pain.
I can't see the relationship lasting I don't think I will ever forget what I read and how he feels about me but I owe it to my children to make sure things are organized before we separate.

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 28-Aug-14 11:11:09

They are my thoughts exactly really. How could we ever last long term? I will never be able to forget what I read. You are right, it does feel like physical pain and I don't feel like I will ever be able to eat anything ever again. The thought that the last week the children are off school has been ruined is also playing on my mind. Just why?? I loved him so much and yet it seems he didn't feel the same way about me. That's a bitter pill to swallow too.

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