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Really Struggling

(35 Posts)
AlmostMrs Wed 27-Aug-14 22:33:03

I want to make a post here for a bit of clever words of wisdom but don't know where to begin really.

I keep typing and deleting trying to work out which words are relevant, I just feel alone and desperate.

I just got such a bad shock / broken heart that I don't really know how to cope much longer. Feeling like I have endured it for so long I can't face another day or

Basically I suppose my fiancé broke off our engagement because he realised I was a rebound.

I don't really know what else to say but there was so much that happened. I feel like my life is just a total waste.

Imarriedaknob Wed 27-Aug-14 23:42:52

No advice just know how you feel sending hugs xxxxx

Iconfuseus Wed 27-Aug-14 23:48:17

I'm really sorry to hear this.

I know that you said you are struggling to find the words to express yourself. I wonder if you can explain what has happened a bit more clearly as it's difficult to know what to say.

When did you and your fiance break up?

You say that you 'suppose' that he broke it off because he realised you were a rebound. Is that something he has actually told you, or is it something that you believe might be true?

Whatever the case, your life is not a total waste. No life is a waste.

I'm guessing from your message that your head is spinning at the moment and that you have a lot of difficult feelings and thoughts to process. Naturally you are probably feeling a lot of grief and loss because of this sudden change. I think it's important to recognise that while your mind and emotions are so turbulent, it's not a good time to be making big decisions or assessing your life. You are in a very negative space and you are bound to view everything negatively. You will look at things a little differently in a months time and very differently in a years time.

I think you have to give yourself time and if you can, surround yourself with people who are supportive of you. Find someone who can give you a shoulder to cry on.

I'm sorry I can't be any more help. I wish you joy.

MillyDots Wed 27-Aug-14 23:58:19

How long were you together.?

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 00:16:51

Sorry, I am finding it hard to put all the facts together with a racing mind so sorry if I answer shortly.

Together 3.5 years.

Engaged for 1 and a bit

Broke up 3.5 months ago almost.

He told me no reason when he ended the engagement all this time. I was left in limbo not understanding for the past 3.5 months.

As far as I knew everything was amazing, totally loved up, no signs or signals, no issues between us and could not work it out. All he would say on the phone was that he needed time and space etc. so I gave it to him.

He called me on Saturday night, said he missed me, could he see me. I was really happy to get that call I had been waiting for.

He came over, slept the night, had sex four times, kissed all night, cuddled, told me he missed me and still loved me.

Woke up in the morning and had a long talk. He said he does still love me and miss me but he isn't sure because he also still loved his ex.

Said he still held a candle for her although she married someone else now.

He also said he thought he had to some degree used me to fulfil his loneliness after she left, but that at the time he had genuinely been in love.

I know this is just awful. So hard to hear all this.

I asked if I was second choice and he admitted yes. Wish he'd said before the sex. Just feel so bad. Like a nightmare.

Iconfuseus Thu 28-Aug-14 00:26:34

That's really horrible. I'm sorry you've been through all that.

I'm not surprised that you feel bad. What your Ex has done to you is incredibly hurtful!

You don't need a man who is so indecisive about you in your life. I know it's incredibly painful now - but in a way he has done you a favour. You know now that you cannot possibly build a future with him. Thank goodness you didn't marry him!

I think if I were in your position I would cut my losses and have no further contact with him. I don't think anything positive for you can come out of speaking to or seeing him.

I really wish you all the best.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Aug-14 00:30:08

That's shattering OP, talk on here if it helps, do you have rl support?

I guess my first question about your situation was going to be, did you have any idea he was on the rebound from a broken relationship? From your last post, seemingly not.

He used you like an emotional airbag, tried to make himself feel better. Now he's back, using your vulnerability to get sex before the big confession.

As he knowingly strung you along he did you a big disservice so I hope for your sake it's a clean break from now on.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 00:30:37

Thanks, I know I don't need it but hard for me to adjust after 3.5 years of him telling me I was the love of his life / so much better than his ex / I was amazing / we were soulmates blah, blah, blah and completely believed it all.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 00:40:26

Donkeys....NO WAY...no idea.

As I heard the story (from him and their mutual friends), they were together 9 years, relationship was only good for the first 5, grew apart, crap sex life, no intimacy, barely spoke to each other, he was unhappy but didn't want to leave because of the kids. In the end she left him and he felt it was a relief.

He spoke about her respectively but with no sign of emotions, they were polite but quite unfamiliar when she dropped the kids off. Very amicable but also no intimacy.

All he ever said from day 1 was that we were so much more compatible and how he was "finally living" that I was the love of his life. All his friends and family (even his parents) telling me they were so glad he'd got rid of her. His best friend called her bitch on wheels.

There was just nothing to indicate any feelings?

I knew he got together with me very quickly after she left him (2 months) but he said it'd been over a long time before that.

Can't believe he had sex with me so many times! And all the cuddling and stuff. Just feel raped or something.

And why would he hold a candle for someone he didn't even get along with? So confused.

And she's ugly. Not being horrible but she really is!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Aug-14 00:40:52

He wanted the ego boost of knowing you still felt attracted to him. He can't have believed his luck you hadn't met someone else whereas he knows his ex is 'forbidden fruit' ie married to someone else.

Even now doesn't sound like he has said anything would be different or acknowledged he'd need a lot of personal work to sort his head out before even approaching you.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 00:49:19

I think he just wanted sex. He said he hadn't had any since he left and he already had an erection when he turned up at the door. He told me he didn't find any other woman as attractive as me and he'd been wanking to photos of me for the past months he'd been gone sad I mean....what a weird thing to say made me feel like a whore. Was he just with me for sex? After no sex for so long?

This person is unrecognisable from the person I was with, he wasn't anything like this, so funny how people completely change

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Aug-14 00:56:14

Well this is more about him rather than his ex who had nothing to do with what he's done - but fwiw she may not have been a looker but he was evidently drawn to her. (It's nice when a boyfriend's family take to you and say complimentary things but even if they condemn the ex you should still take what they say with a pinch of salt).

But you remind me that in losing him you were practically losing a new family. Getting engaged is a milestone event. He creates all this upheaval, no explanation for weeks, you must have been in shock. Then turns up anticipating sex.

He will be telling you next he has needs. I hope you can ignore and block him.

And sorry but to clarify, was he the father of the children you mention?

brokenhearted55a Thu 28-Aug-14 01:12:00

I dont believe him. Something doesnt ring true about this.

It took him 3.5 years to realise you were a rebound? He hankers after a crap relationship that was bad for several years before she left?

I think there is something you're not being told.

TBH I have never loved anyone the way I loved one of my exes. I have never had feelings like it for anyone before him or after him. I would never tell any new partner this but I do still see him as the one who got away even though he lied and cheated. But I accept that it's over and I would not split up a relationship with a partner because of an ex I simply cannot have especially if I loved the new one.

I am wondering if it was new ow rather than ex.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 01:12:04

yes he was the dad

brokenhearted55a Thu 28-Aug-14 01:16:11

He seems confused and confusion is a sign someone else is involved. My money's on someone new rather than ex from 3.5 years ago.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 01:54:58

I know I don't know how it takes 3.5 years to realise someone is a rebound either. He said at the time of proposing he didn't think I was a rebound, that that was all true, that at that time he believed I was the one etc. but how or why would u change your mind? I didn't think that could happen. How would I find out if there was someone else?

brokenhearted55a Thu 28-Aug-14 04:46:09

I dont know how you would find out for sure but the fact that he's come back to you for a shag suggested she is not exactly what he's looking for either.

Say to his face I don't believe you whats ows name? Depends how good a liar he is.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 08:54:42

" He told me he didn't find any other woman as attractive as me and he'd been wanking to photos of me for the past months he'd been gone sad I mean....what a weird thing to say made me feel like a whore. Was he just with me for sex? After no sex for so long? "

Sadly, on the basis of the above utterly disgusting, insulting statement, he probably was. I'm sure he was quite fond of you but not in the way you believed and certainly not the same way you felt about him. Turning up at your door with an erection? Dead romantic... hmm You've mentioned a few times that you were better than his ex, nicer looking, more attractive etc. Flattery in order to get sex is not the same as love.

In a way, even though I'm sorry you've been used so shabbily on this occasion, I think you might look back on it one day as a pivotal moment. What's going on in his head, his motivations, his neuroses, even if there's somebody else.... totally irrelevant now. Who cares what the nasty little wanker thinks, right? This is going to take you from sitting by the phone sad to angry and there's nothing like a bit of indignation to give you energy and focus.

Please don't waste a second more of your time on him.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 09:24:20

I know he's been a bastard and all this but why am I feeling like I just want to beg him? Didn't think I was this weak. Not like me at all

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 09:43:34

It's not weak. You've had a massive and very personal shock! You're upset, lonely and you had big hopes for the future. You loved the guy and you thought he loved you. He has insulted you at the most visceral level. Feelings like that are very powerful and disorientating. You desperately want things to go back to normal and you want to feel happy again. You're fed up waking up on your own, eating on your own and going to bed on your own. I'm projecting a little from my own experience simply to illustrate that it's all par for the course.

But now you know he's a bastard you have to do your level best to do whatever it takes to get him out of your head and out of your life. On the one side of the equation, strict no contact. No Facebook , lose his phone number, don't answer any texts etc. Be really strict about it. On the other side of the equation, fill your days with other things, be busy and be with people that actually like you. Change your routine, go to new places that don't remind you of him, plan things for the future. Give yourself as little idle time as possible because that's when you miss the bastard.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Aug-14 09:47:24

A little part of you might feel like you are competing with OW for him. Ask yourself if the 'prize' is worth winning. Even after Saturday night he lies there saying you are second choice!

If he has children with his ex then he's going to be in contact with her for years. Sometimes exes claim indifference and pretend detachment towards one another but secretly still have some old chemistry.

Or maybe broken is right and he was actually chasing someone else?

I would hate to think of him ditching you for a summer romance only to walk back right in claiming some sort of emotional amnesia and expecting you to fall into his arms again.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 10:10:14

I just don't really know how to adjust to this information. It doesn't seem true.

I was certain and I'm quite a sceptical person. Took him ages to get me to trust him and let him in.

AlmostMrs Thu 28-Aug-14 10:15:12

He's not a player, or a ladies man. It doesn't fit the character profile of who I knew. I don't know how there could be another woman.

He works at a small office, only a few other women there and all older. He was always home bang on 5.20. He only ever went out without me 2 - 3 times a year. He was always home? He played rugby, but was home 20 minutes after it finished and only had one pint. I know he was genuinely at Rugby because he was all muddy and sweaty and his mates talked to me about it. I can't see it being physically possible to be another woman involved because there would be no time or opportunity.

I feel like I need to talk to him more and have him answer some questions. I didn't really ask any because was so shocked.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 28-Aug-14 10:22:08

Please don't ask him questions. You either won't get a satisfactory answer or he'll use it as an opportunity to blame you for the break-up or (unlikely) he'll tell you the truth. Whichever one applies, I guarantee you'll be even more heartbroken than you are now

There will be a rational explanation for his behaviour and it may or may not come out in due course. For now, please simply understand that he is selfish, insulting and is happy to use you for sex. That's the real him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Aug-14 10:27:54

Posting here for advice is liable to give you food for thought it won't necessarily give you the answers you want. We only read what you write. We can make suggestions but based on limited information.

If you say "But he's not like this" we can't very well contradict you but 3.5 months' ago before he broke off your engagement and walked off minus explanation, would you have predicted he'd do such a thing?

Just based on what you told us he sounds oblivious to the hurt and confusion he's caused you. He calculatingly waited until after extreme intimacy to reveal what he was thinkng and still managed to do so in a way to make you feel degraded.

How many times did he say "I" during his monologue?

He doesn't have to be a "player" to treat you badly and stroll back into your life like nothing happened.

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