I previously said I would never post on the relationships board again because I cannot stand the LTB chant that comes out when I try to explain why I am choosing to remain with my husband after he had an affair. What I am wanting is advice from people who have gone through their partner having an affair and are now trying to make their marriage work. If you are someone who has gone through the hurt of a partner cheating and cannot understand why someone would stay, please leave now. Sorry for being blunt but I truly do want advice from mumsnetters but cannot deal with the usual battering I seem to get when I say I am trying to work on my marriage.
So if you are still here and aren't going to tell me to LTB, here's my problem. My husband had an affair. It is two days from being one year since d-day. The summer has been hard. There have been numerous trigger points in relation to the affair. In addition, his mother has died. And we've both had a huge amount to deal with. All our good work at the start has taken a knock due to life circumstances. We are still soldiering on.
But there are times when my anger flares up. Sometimes it is due to him reverting to behaviours shown when he had the affair e.g. withdrawing, lack of communication. Recently I had a trigger and I got angry with him. He in turn became very very sad. Hangdog is the only word I can use to describe him.
We have since talked but I have realised something. He is suffering from depression. He hates himself so much for what he has done by having an affair, coupled with almost losing his job and then watching his mother waste away through a horrid disease and then dying. He has had a LOT of shit happen. Now it's easy to say: well plenty of that is of his own making. And I agree.
But here's my dilemma. I need to express how I feel when I have triggers or get angry. I need to discuss his affair and what it has done. But I know that everytime I do it (and I try not to do it often) it makes him feel worse and worse. I fear that he could reach a point where he is so depressed that he can no longer function. He is the main breadwinner.
I feel torn between wanting to be a good wife and help him through this (not to mention the selfish reason of knowing that if he gets completely depressed he could just stop functioning) and wanting to be able to talk about what he has done and how it makes me feel when trigger situations arise.
I wondered if anyone else has been in this situation? How do you help the person who hurt you when the reason they hurt is because of what they have done to you?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do you help a person who has hurt you?
PTFswife · 27/08/2014 21:34
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