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Help me word a text to toxic mother please (long)

(65 Posts)
Buckmusted Wed 27-Aug-14 14:23:58

About 18 months ago I went NC with my sister because she did something that really upset me, and after several attempts to talk to her and her completely ignoring me, I realised she didn't really care. And then I stopped caring too.

Our mother has always blatantly favoured my sister (though strongly denied it when challenged). Both of us have disabilities but mine never gets mentioned, while mother bangs on about sister's health all the time. They've always had a good relationship. Me and mother: not so much. I was frequently neglected as a child, and abandoned by her, left to be brought up by someone else. She scared me as she was strict and very outspoken. I still saw her 2 or 3 times a year and loved it because I missed her very much. I know that sounds odd, but I was a kid and she was my mum.

She came to live nearby a few years ago and I see her frequently now. But after the novelty of her being near wore off, I realised how emotionally abusive she was. She also lies, manipulates people and is rude and offensive. It was like a veil had been lifted. I went through a period of grieving for the mum I'd always wanted but never had and it was a painful time. I confronted her about some things, but she turned them back on to me, made them my fault.

I had counselling and ADs which were both massively helpful. Eventually I started being able to see her as 'someone I know' rather than 'my mum' and was able to cope better with her visits and sometimes even had a laugh with her.

Last week we had a falling-out. She passed me an envelope containing a birthday card, from my sister. I jokingly asked if it had an apology in it and she went mad. For the first time in my life, I shouted her down and told her some home truths, flung the unopened envelope down then I stormed out and went home. I was absolutely shaking with rage, but later on I felt very calm, like "we're done, that's it".

She sent me a text asking if we can talk when she gets back from a few days away (pre-planned trip, nothing to do with our falling out) and I don't know how to respond.

What I want is to never speak to her or see her again. But do I put that in a text and send it? I thought about saying "It's become apparent that I have some deep issues with you and I need to keep my distance for a while".

Does that sound OK, or do you have some better responses or words of advice?

BreakdownBound Wed 27-Aug-14 14:30:50

Oh I wish I could help you as you sound lost - but I'm useless at standing up to parents.

I hope someone stronger can come along & help you soon.

FrootLoopy Wed 27-Aug-14 14:34:52

Well done in standing up to her! it must have been hard, but cathartic to finally get your say.

But, as you said before, she is very clever at twisting things around and making them your fault.

It doesn't sound as though you want her in your life anymore, in which case a simple 'no' is sufficient. It is the answer to her question. She has no right to any more information.

ohbladee Wed 27-Aug-14 14:35:51

As the DD of a narc I understand OP. Don't reply. Just leave it for now.

NorksAreMesssy Wed 27-Aug-14 14:35:58

The best words are no words stall.
You do not need to send a text, or phone, or write a letter.

Silence. Just silence and your dignity.

NorksAreMesssy Wed 27-Aug-14 14:36:40

Sorry "no words AT ALL"

ohbladee Wed 27-Aug-14 14:36:53
Mintyy Wed 27-Aug-14 14:37:39

I'd write a very short letter, rather than a text, in your position.

losthermind Wed 27-Aug-14 14:39:31

I completely agree do not reply to her, as you are only opening the door for her to reply back to you.

PurpleWithRed Wed 27-Aug-14 14:41:59

That sounds ok, although you might want to say 'we have some deep issues' so it doesn't sound like you are taking the blame. You may need to be prepared to repeat it several times.

tribpot Wed 27-Aug-14 14:42:00

I confronted her about some things, but she turned them back on to me, made them my fault.

Is there any reason to suppose that her request to meet to discuss will not end up with this happening again?

You're under no obligation to adhere to her timescale. You could reply 'no thank you, I will contact you when I am ready to discuss'.

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Aug-14 14:42:46

I have just been posting A LOT on the Stately Homes thread as I have just gone NC with my narcissistic mother. You say you never want to see her again, so do just that. Do not reply.It's not easy but it's the only way sometimes. I haven't spoken to mine in almost a week and I'm hoping to start some psychotherapy soon.
Come over to Stately Homes for some great support and advice.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 27-Aug-14 14:43:31

Saying nothing will speak louder to her than any response you might compose. Actually, it sounds like she deserves absolutely nothing from you. A response will only lead to more communication, justification, excuses and lies. Really, why bother?

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Aug-14 14:50:05

Sorry, it's not easy that should say

Buckmusted Wed 27-Aug-14 14:51:38

BreakdownBound Thank you for replying, I've just read your thread and can see that we are in the same boat but in different situations.

FrootLoopy Strangely, it wasn't hard at all because I just flipped. 40 years of slowly built up rage just boiled over. I usually do very well at keeping a lid on it but this time I just couldn't. I didn't say all the things I wanted to say, that she deserves to hear, because another (much-loved) family member was present and I was embarrassed. I thought about sending a simple "no"... I think I'm having a big attack of fear over doing it though.

ohbladee and NorksAreMessy I'm also having a big attack of fear over not replying. I think if I do that she will most likely turn up on my doorstep when she gets back and I'm not sure how to handle that.

(I've seen the Stately Homes thread, have posted before under different names, I find it a bit overwhelming, but thank you)

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Aug-14 14:56:54

The fear is HUGE. I totally understand that. FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The most powerful emotions ever. But you don't have to live like this. Stately Homes can be a bit fast moving at times, but maybe you could read the links at the beginning of the SH threads?

Buckmusted Wed 27-Aug-14 14:58:05

Ah thank you all, seems the consensus is to ignore her text. But as I said in my PP, I'm worried how that will pan out as I'm sure she'll just turn up at my door. She can be very persistent.

Buckmusted Wed 27-Aug-14 15:02:23

Goodtobetter yes it is huge! It's great to find understanding people here as I knew I would. I've read all those links before, read Toxic Parents, got the t-shirt ...ha... I just need to stop being scared, take the leap and get out of this relationship once and for all.

And then I can deal with the toxic relationship I have with my father! One thing at a time though...

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Aug-14 15:04:58

Seriously, give SH another go...we're very nice xxx

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 27-Aug-14 15:11:00

Just because someone is standing on your doorstep expecting to be let in does not mean it has to happen.

Leaving her there while you ignore the doorbell can be quite satisfying, especially if it's pelting with rain.

Buckmusted Wed 27-Aug-14 15:41:35

If she was to turn up on my doorstep and not go away / get all shouty through the letterbox, what could I do?
This is all quite problematic because I need to know what will happen. But no one can predict that. So I need plans in place in case something happens. I can do the not texting her thing, but there will be consequences and if I don't know in advance what to do then I'll just give in when it comes to it.

Phalenopsis Wed 27-Aug-14 15:58:58

You do realise OP that your mother will use everything you say against you both directly and indirectly through others. She might even rope others into your relationship with her and use them to bully/cajole/intimidate you. The chances are she'll twist every word to make you seem the baddie in this.

Do not talk to her, write her letters or communicate through third parties who will shit stir given any opportunity. Starve her (metaphorically of course) of oxygen. If you have no wish to see her again, then don't. And if she does turn up shouting on the doorstep ignore her or call the police.

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Aug-14 16:03:00

Phalenopsis is right here. although I do understand the absolute terror that this course of action will invoke in you, I really do. You're terrified of her reaction, so it's easier to placate her, but she will never be happy and you'll destroy yourself trying to please her. I speak from bitter, recent experience.

Much love xx

Badvoc123 Wed 27-Aug-14 16:13:54

Don't reply and change your mobile number.

Castlemilk Wed 27-Aug-14 16:19:34

Either don't reply, or text:

No. I don't want to talk. And I certainly don't think I owe it to you to do anything I don't want to do. Don't contact me again.

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