Help me with my marriage woes!

[Quitelikely]

Here goes.........

I met dh 8 years ago I already had one dc who he took on as his own. We also have dc 3 and dc 1. So three in total.

Things were great until dh was made redundant (he did have a new Job lined up) where he had some sort of breakdown. This manifested itself as weeks of silence and him saying he didn't know if he loved me anymore and he was considering leaving me to move to his home town. At this point we only had two dc. He is from an affluent background (I'm not) and he said he didn't think I would fit in well there with his friends etc.

I was absolutely gutted, as our plan was to stay in my hometown until we had another dc so that I could get family support while they were so young (then move to his when they were a bit older) It was obvious at this point he didn't want to stay there, felt he had no friends and the career prospects were better in his hometown. He left me for a week to clear his mind. The job he had lined up would also not cover our living etc if we moved to his hometown.

He returned and while he was away got a better paid job which meant that we could move to his town and afford it more easily. Obviously what he done shocked me to the core and left me feeling insecure and in the dark about who he really was.

His new job was working away quite a lot which meant I was on my own in a new place. I did eventually join groups etc and made a little life for myself if you like. Our new place was 16 miles from his home town. I was also pregnant with my third by now.

Dh didn't like working away and felt it better to get a job where he could be home more. This meant a dramatic cut in wages but he was told he could do overtime to make up the difference. He felt this career had more potential so he said he would do it. As you can imagine the overtime put significant strain on him and me but it had to be done to get the same income.

By now with three dc I was struggling with it all and having no practical support. He was struggling too because he was tired with a baby and overtime. We agreed that I could join a gym so I could get out on a night and tone up. This was roughly an hour three times a week. During this time he started to withdraw, no interest in the dc and be quite angry all the time. Stopped ringing me at lunch time etc.

This unbearable behaviour went on for months and he would say nothing was wrong or sometimes if I asked he would be angry so I wasn't allowed to ask. Eventually he done the same thing as before but the catalyst for it coming to a head was he met with MiL and SiL one day and told them I was making him do the dc bath etc and he was sick of me. I was going to the gym! I thought he didn't mind.

I was very upset about this as they don't have any time for me to start with and this was obviously something that they could feed on and use against me.

Anyway I was now at breaking point and told him I had enough. I left for one day and night through despair tbh.

It turns out he had depression he went to the gp and took pills. He said his episodes were a break down of sorts through pressure. Ok. His love for me was returning.

He said that the place we lived made him unhappy and could I move. I was upset because the dc was at school, one at nursery and I had made a life. I agreed because I want to keep him happy in life.

I was stressed be caused the house we moved to was going to need a lot of work, we had no money to do it up and with young dc, workmen are stressful, ie keeping the dc away from tools, away from rooms etc.

I said if we move I will have to start my friends from scratch, deal with stress of workmen etc kids will need to meet new friends but hey oh he said it'll be ok. I said the stress will impact upon our relationship but he said it'll be fine.

My mil and sil do not invite me out, she doesn't like to look after our dc and occasionally she will have them for 2/3 hours but god it feels like I'm forcing her and a lot of the time she says she can't have them. The other day I was at an event where my sils were and I was talking to one of them and they openly laughed at me to each other even though the room was full of other people. I know they're insecure and jealous which is why they're like this so I try to ignore it. They have done it before but I didn't tell dh however on this occasion I told him as I felt that pissed off at the underhandedness of it all.

He was quite annoyed and said he would confront them but I said it's ok because I don't want to cause trouble. He has said to me I should contact MiL to sort of invite myself along but I find that very hard given the past events and her approach to my children. I think he must think I'm just as bad because I'm not making the effort as he said its a two way thing.

I suppose when we had to move and when he changed jobs I said if we do this it's going to be hard on us but he was quite dismissive of it all, yet it's me who struggles so he can forge ahead, this then, I feel makes me look hopeless and rubbish because I find it hard to cope with the dc all day, the house isn't as it should be and I can't always get out. Basically I feel a fraud but I think in my mind I'm here because of all those desires my husband had yet I look like the clown who can't manage, even though I predicted it would happen iyswim.

Our marriage is now under strain through all that has gone on. My husband can be quite moody (hardly a crime) and I just feel that he has changed towards me. He denies this and states relationships change as they go along (fair enough) but I just feel desperately sad about it all.

I feel under pressure to be perfect, my dh is quite together and I guess that's because his life is running smoothly. I feel sort of inadequate next to him, as if he is like whats wrong with you woman iyswim

I am tempted to ask him to leave but he has done nothing wrong, I just feel some sort of intense pressure, which I don't know why or how it came about.

Can anyone help me work some of this out? I don't really know what I'm asking but I think some outside perspective of this situation might help me.

[cailindana]

It looks like he has run his life entirely according to his own wishes and you have just had to tag along. If you try to assert your own needs/wishes you are simply ignored or told you are moaning and not up to the job of being his assistant.

Is that the case?

[BookABooSue]

It sounds like the relationship has always been under a lot of strain and the house moves have definitely contributed to it. There's a lot in your OP so apologies if I miss something you think is relevant.

Firstly I'd try to disengage from the issues with your MIL and SIL. You have enough problems in your relationship without creating crisis points around the interactions with your ILs or putting your DH in the middle between you and them. I know it's easier said than done but spend less time with them or/and only see them when you feel able to let any whispers or laughing wash over you. If they are being rude it is only a reflection on them not you.

As for your DH and your relationship, you sound incredibly stressed and as though you don't feel heard. Have you tried to explain to your DH how you feel? I think asking him to leave is quite a big step unless you are sure that's what you want. Can you get away for a few days to stay with friends or relatives? You need to try to get some perspective on everything and sometimes being in a different place can help.

I'd also make an appointment with the GP. You feel sad and that might mean you're depressed or understandably stressed with all of the moves and lack of security. It might also mean your iron levels are low or you have some kind of vitamin deficiency so I'd try to rule that out too.

It sounds as though your life is regularly being uprooted to support your DH and that can be incredibly unsettling. Some people need security, routine and a close social circle around them. Your life seems to be making it difficult to maintain any of those, and you actually do need to have a talk with your DH about the plans for the future. Moving for work can be a sad fact of life but it's not the only consideration when you have DCs at school and when you are feeling isolated. Would DH be open to creating and sticking to a plan for the next few years so you can all start to build a stable life that tries to meet the needs of the family (ie you, him and the DCs)?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I am tempted to ask him to leave but he has done nothing wrong"

He's done a lot wrong. The cloak of 'depression' appears to be used to mask some very selfish and unpleasant behaviour that has left you feeling upset, insecure and lacking in confidence. What you're calling 'love' appears to be very conditional and easily withdrawn - hence you feel under pressure to be perfect. His 'never happy' routine that has you repeatedly moving house sound very disruptive and selfish. You've dug deep to get around a crisis but appear to be taken for granted and unappreciated.... ridiculed even. He has badmouthed you to his family which is intensely disloyal.

'Moody' may not be a crime but when the moods are deliberately engineered in order to exert control or to manipulate/intimidate others into behaving a particular way then it's unacceptable. Him denying it doesn't mean he's right.

He's done a lot wrong.